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Printed from https://www.Writing.Com/view/2139153
Rated: E · Short Story · Emotional · #2139153
A woman's feelings about her family after a divorce, kids grown and separation of family.
I am completely and utterly lost

Think about it there are so many definitions of words and saying's. Like for instants,
"I am completely and utterly lost". It either means I am lost in thought, lost in the world, or just plain lost for words. Which in my case it's all three.
While I sit here thinking of the way things used to be. I find myself completely and utterly lost, in the world as I knew it. It was a way of life for me. Knowing what I was going to be doing the next day and appeared to be doing the next 50 years. According to my plans that I mapped out for my family and myself. You know when they ask you for your 5-year plans etc. I, myself had my life planned out for retirement. Grow old with my husband and watch our grandchildren grow up in our backyard. Yes, it even had a white picket fence. I grow up in the 60's and 70's. Does that make me a prude? No, just lost in this case. We would have Sunday meals with them. Never beyond my wildest dreams or my comprehension that I would be divorced and my family in disarray. My children scattered across this country. Seeing them occasionally during holidays and birthdays. Now I'm living in a 1 bedroom apartment totally alone and on my own. It's a very hard pill to swallow. I was married 35+ years, never ever being on my own. I went straight from my parents home to being married.
Most days I wake to that buzzing of an alarm. Not wanting to move, not wanting to socialize with others because I'd been awake most of the night anyway. Lack of sleep, food and whatever means to stay alive overwhelms you. It seems like any task you try doing becomes meaningless. You barely have the energy to get out of bed. Let alone to go to work. It really sucks that you can't comprehend what has happened to you. You become utterly lost in your day to day routine. You have no control over your emotions or actions. It is beyond you. What happened, even after 5 years it is puzzling to me.
I shower to get ready for work. I sit down on my bed and think how it would be so easy to just crash. But wait you are the manager you can't do that. Then hours later, you realize how did I get to work. I don't remember driving, putting on my shoes. OMG, I could've had an accident and hurt someone. You have become numb to everything even your emotions and actions. You think if my head wasn't screwed on I'd lose it too.
You go through the day to day things feeling like, why? I have no idea what I am doing or even less where am I going from here? People look at you different like what is going on with them. Course you haven't told anyone. Because what if, just what if this is a dream and you will wake up from it. You need to get a grip on it. But then you think I am totally confused and lost without my family with me. You get used to all the noises surrounding you. The constant going, doing things as a family. Now you are totally alone. Eating is a chore something meaningless. Because you can't find yourself eating alone. For 56 years there was always someone to eat with. Every bite you take it reminds you of the meals you prepared for them. Feeling lost without them has now become a reality. One you refuse to except. But it overtakes you and you begin to feel utterly lost. The feeling you try to overcome. But it is so strong and before you know it completely overwhelms you.
Why, what, when you ask these questions over and over. But you get no answers. Because you are utterly alone, you don't even answer your own questions anymore. Then you grasp anything and anyone to fill that void in your life. Shopping, dating becomes a norm. But the dating is so you aren't eating alone. Leading you into a completely different world than what you are used to. You start to depend on people whom you really don't know. Because why you don't want to be alone. You are afraid of it. You don't know any better. You become completely and utterly lost in someone else. You have never done anything like this. Always in control of your life. Never crossing lines. Doing things totally out of your normal life. Then you realize one day that what you had just done the night before could've gotten you killed. You have lost control of your life. You don't know how to dig yourself out and you get deeper and deeper into that place that sucks the life right out of you. You feel like there is no tomorrow. Nowhere to go. It becomes apparent that you have neglected your job, finances, and relationships. You don't even blink when you get fired from a job of 15 years. They tell you they aren't willing to give you time off to adjust to your health issues that you now have.
Now, what do you do? Ahhh, move in with family what else can you do? Then you realize that even though you are with them. You are still completely alone. You still feel lost with them. Even though they are sitting next to you. They say times change and time changes people, it does!! We have different likes, taste, thinking etc.
Being a mother is the most rewarding thing I've ever done. And the hardest thing I've ever had to do was to let go them. You realize they are your world and it's hard to let go. But they grow up, have their own family and one day you realize that you are "just a guest" in their house. I think it would've been different if we had all stayed together. Being apart tends to give people a chance to grow apart and realize what they need and things they want on their terms. Heck, that's just human nature. Especially if you are a good parent. Sometimes sitting there watching them. You realize that no matter what you utterly lost without them. I remember while they were growing up. I wanted to have them around me forever and watch my grandchildren grow up too. Now I can't shake that feeling of emptiness. It just ain't the same feeling. I feel disconnected and lost. It is an overwhelming feeling that haunt's me.
During holidays, birthdays and special occasions, I have a brief moment where it feels good. But as soon as they are gone. I'm completely lost without them.
I take great strides in loving and caring for my family. Heck, what mother doesn't. But there is a limit to advise that you should offer to them. Because it makes them pull away. Because you have said too much or it's not what they wanted to hear. I totally believe that one should choose your own way. Whether it be the right choice or the wrong one. Lessons learned my mother taught us. Now to see how those choices pan out is sometimes a very hard pill to swallow. Whether it's their choice or someone in their life. You can offer advice but sometimes you just have to keep your mouth shut. I realize that my children have now become a statistic due to my divorce. They were still affected along with the grandchildren. Although they are grown and have their own families. It still effects those special times families gather. Just in a strange way, instead of one gathering, it's many. You still feel lost in the crowd.
I tried to help my daughter with her divorce, but it was difficult because I had not gone through mine as of yet. Now I realize how utterly lost she had become not knowing what was around the corner. Of course, mine was different because I had no little ones at home. No one that depended on me at any given moment. Now I sit here listening to them as they fight over custody of the kids. Although they have been divorced for years. Something has come up and there is questioning of one's ability to help support the children. I listen diligently to both sides. I truly have no words for them. One parent is dragging the kids into it. Lying and telling them things that they should not even be saying to them. When you have a child yelling at the other parent. Saying things like I hate you, I never want to see you. You just need to sign rights away. How in the world does a child know these terms? These things a child should not even have knowledge of. They had to be told by an adult, the other parent. The one that is angry enough to drag their children through such heartache. Not realizing that they are hurting them more than need be. Because they are being selfish. I hate divorce it has so many ugly faces. It is beyond belief what people do to each other. I have no words to describe how I feel. I am so utterly lost for words to give to my child. Sure I can tell her that she is right. But I don't agree with either of them. What's best for the kids is my concern. I hate to tell you both are in the wrong. I can't imagine a child telling a parent that they hate or don't love them. Because the other has used them as a pawn. I'm having problems searching for the right words. So I don't hurt anyone in the process. That makes me at a complete loss for words. When I have given you advice and you don't take it. I just don't know what to say to either of you.
I have become very aware of my actions and the effect that it has on others around me. People become selfish and don't look at the big picture. They just want what they need at the moment. Not realizing what they have done effects others in their life. When my husband did what he did. He didn't think how it would affect our children, family and yes our friends. Oh not to forget me. How would this affect me? I'd never been alone always had someone in my life. I wander around on my days off. Trying to figure out why am I alone? I go shopping really not thinking of things that I need to get. I hate shopping now. I think to myself why? Why should I get this, if I cook that I'll be eating it for a week? Because I only know how to cook for a lot of people. I loved cooking, but hate it now because I feel like I am wasting my time, money and food for who, just me. Thinking of cooking makes me think of the ones I cooked for before. I have gotten lost in the past not wanting to move forward. Because it hurts to move forward. I'm completely and utterly lost. I'm refusing to move forward.
I think about how we had made plans to retire and travel around the country and have adventures together with friends in our old age. Now I am totally alone because now we live in different states. I, in one and them in another. So I lose out on what we had planned. I feel so lost and alone without my longtime friends.
I have become to understand that divorce is confusing for all. It has it's very ugly parts and someone is going to lose. No matter what, someone gets lost in it.








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Printed from https://www.Writing.Com/view/2139153