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Rated: 18+ · Essay · Comedy · #2140409
A Day with Dimitri
Doggy Bubbles

It was a cloudy fall day and I was set to attend the wake of a friend's family member. I was dressed in the somber colors customary for such an occasion. Such attire also allows dog hair to be visualized well, letting others know that you are the proud owner of a furry beast. My beast's name is Dimitri. He is a big, playful, furry creature with a strong personality.

Dimitri will eat anything! Remember this phrase because it will be important to the story later.Dimitri is part Lab part German Sheppard. His color markings are that of a Sheppard. His ears that refuse to stand up and his rounded snout with the floppy jowls are definitely Lab characteristics. He walks and talks like Scooby Doo. Talks, you say? Yes, he gives off a low questioning, growling grumble if you do not comply with his requests for petting, play, or food. It sounds a little like "Ruht Roh?" meaning Houston we have a problem!

His favorite petting spot is the paw. Dimitri will endlessly thrust his very large paw into your lap requesting a pedi-massage. This involves rubbing and petting the gift of his hairy paw while he has an out of body experience moaning and groaning happily. Trust me when I say the weirdness or obscenity of this doggy drama never ceases to amaze the person petting the canine. Dogs have four paws, so this ritual can become quite time-consuming throughout your day but Scooby-Doo, "oops" I mean Dimitri, is very persistent.

The remarkable jowls of Dimitri allow him to produce slime and slobber at a moments notice. This is another gift that he likes to share with his loved ones. After eating or running, the drool drips an overflowing fountain of fondness. What better way is there to show someone that you care than using their pants as a napkin?

As you would expect large dogs have large teeth, Dimitri is no exception. The puppy will chew shoes, tires, trees, magnets off the refrigerator, flashlights, money, and anything within his reach. Items that one would think held no interest for the dog have made his way into his bed. Having only teenagers in the house, I have now had to re-toddler proof my home for Dimitri. So far, thank the Lord, we have managed to catch him in the act of his devouring his make-shift meals. He has not required a trip to the vet for this, as everything that went in came out just as it went in the garbage disposal. I am however looking into obtaining a personal x-ray machine to snap random pictures of his gut.

Now, this brings us to the solemn occasion that I was set to attend. I entered the bathroom to check last minute details of hair and make-up. My sidekick followed me as always. Before I could even turn around Dimitri jumped into the tub grabbing a bar of Irish Spring soap. I am assuming that he had been eyeing that soap for a long time. He was very excited and dashed down the hall carrying his prize in all of his doggy glory. I was just a few seconds behind the mischievous mutt. Remember when I told you that Dimitri will eat anything? The bar soap was nowhere to be found. I searched endlessly and assumed that he swallowed it whole. His reaction was to lovingly wipe his mouth on my dress pants leaving a trail of soap and slobber.

Now as frustrated as I was, my first thoughts were the concern for the mongrel's well being. Do they even have a Doggy poison hotline? I googled it and could find none. It was too early to call the vet unless I wanted to fork out emergency care prices. This seemed extreme as the dog was behaving like his usual obnoxious self. He kept thrusting his paw at me requesting his pedi that apparently promotes puppy orgasms. So I sat down in my chair to ponder the possibilities of events that follow when a dog eats Irish Spring soap. For a long time, I stared at the dog waiting for him to emit fart bubbles. I decided to temporarily pen him in the kitchen until the vet was open. My fear was that I would soon be gifted with disgusting doggy-doo.

All thoughts of attending the planned event left my mind. I had to stay home to make sure that our little cutie was okay. I was just as worried as a new mother with a sick child. My child was showing no signs of sickness. He was happy and playful asking for food. Thinking this might move things along, literally. I rose from my chair to fill his bowl. I felt something very heavy holding tight to my backside. There in all of its green and white beauty was a bar of soap stuck firmly to my ass. There would be no doggy fart bubbles today!

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