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Rated: E · Fiction · Satire · #2145257
I use Cesar Millan's techniques on our cat
Cat Whisperer
Scooter Van Neuter

When I originally found our cat, Mr. Jangles, he was almost uncontrollable. He wouldn't come when I called, and when he did come, he'd more often than not bite and scratch the crap out of me. On top of that, Mr. Jangles shed cat hair all over the place and horked up slimy hairballs like nobody's business. I tried everything to train him but with no success, then one day I happened to catch Cesar Millan's show "The Dog Whisperer" on TV. Finally, I had the tools to train my little companion.

The first order of business was to teach Mr. Jangles discipline by putting him on a leash, but he didn't like that much. Sissy finally made me stop because I was bleeding all over our new carpet, so I went to the next step - scaring the crap out him by making that TSSSHT! sound. This worked extremely well, as Mr. Jangles actually wet himself after about 10 minutes of me chasing him around the house making this sound.

Next, I incorporated Cesar's 'two finger side-poke' while I made the sound. The first time I did this, Mr. Jangles removed one of my cuticles, but with patience, practice, and half a Valium he was soon reacted properly (if you don't count the uncontrolled peeing). Over the next few months I refined Cesar's crude techniques. I learned that flicking the animal's butthole with a strong snapping motion is not only more effective at getting his attention, but also he can't turn around quick enough to bite the crap out of my fingers. In addition, I found that modifying the TSSSHT sound to TSPPPP allows me to spit on Mr. Jangles while making the sound and poking him which elevates his fear level even higher.

Finally, I've trained Mr. Jangles to not shed or hork up hairballs by utilizing my own unique cat shampoo formulation. The secret is a special ingredient I can't divulge* that conditions and strengthens the hair.

Outside of the occasional pooping on Sissy, Mr. Jangles now behaves like an aristocrat - or should I say aristoCAT hahaha! Thanks, Cesar!

*Elmer's Glue
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