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Rated: E · Fiction · Satire · #2145270
The Lord provides even in the darkest times
People are asking me all the time how I can live so comfortably with no job. Well, several months ago with God's help I came upon one of the most dynamic money-making strategies I've ever seen, and here's the good news - it's easy, it's safe, and best of all, it's completely legal*.

Oh, did I mention it's easy?

Here's the 411: Last summer, my girlfriend Sissy purchased plants from our local Home Depot for our naked yard. Unfortunately, most turned out to be defective and died when I forgot to water them, but it was no big deal as Home Depot has a one-year warranty on plants. I dug them up and returned them to the store but since I'd lost the receipt, could only get a merchandise credit. I used it to buy a cordless drill which I then sold on eBay for almost full price to some pinhead in Florida.

That night as I slept, God came to me in a dream and told me He was blessing me with manna as my reward for being nice to animals and not touching myself. He then showed me our neighborhood park with all its beautiful plants and shrubs. I understood - my manna was the abundance of plants and smaller trees that God had graciously provided to reward me.

Needless to say, the next night I grabbed a pickup load of plant manna. A few days after spraying them with Roundup, I returned them to Home Depot for a substantial store credit blessing. I soon discovered I could sell the cordless drills I bought with the credit blessings on my local Craigslist for cash, avoiding eBay and saving a buttload of time, shipping hassles, and those damnable PayPal fees. My blessings multiplied.

A few months later and I'm making way more money than my cousin who works at Costco, plus I'm rockin' Home Depot's best Honda lawnmower and Sissy's got her dream Samsung refrigerator that poops ice out the door - all from stuff growing in the ground for free! Thank you, God!

*While I am removing plants from the park, I am bringing plants to Home Depot that they didn't have in the first place so I'm simply moving them around while at the same time profiting a local retailer. Plus, since the Parks Department grows their own plants, the originals and replacements are absolutely free to begin with. Also, don't forget that the profits Home Depot makes off me using my store credits to buy cordless drills allows them to hire more workers and pay more taxes - a win-win for them and the United States of America.
© Copyright 2018 Scooter Van Neuter (svanneuter at Writing.Com). All rights reserved.
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