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Rated: E · Fiction · Satire · #2145272
A reasoned response to the Pentagon's announcement robots will train troops.
I saw this article that says the Pentagon is soon going to use robots to train Marines(!) Is it just me, or is this the stupidest thing you've ever heard?

Have these retards never seen literally any movie ever made about robots? I may not be a genius, but even as a child, The Jetsons vividly taught me the fallibility of robots. Okay, you're thinking "but Scooter, that was the 60s, robots are much smarter today." Oh really? I guess you've never owned a real robot. Well, I have.

Radio Shack promised that my first robot would be my new best friend. "Robie" would happily follow me everywhere, fetch and carry all my stuff, and unlike my parents, would actually talk to me. What I got for my three years of paperboy earnings was a plastic piece of shit that fell over every time it moved or attempted to carry anything heavier than one of Dad's cigarettes. Finally, out of money for batteries, I mercifully put it and myself out of misery when I dispatched Robie back to Hell with an M-80 and a little gasoline.

That painful experience understandably soured me on robots, at least until a few years ago when my girlfriend Sissy saw an ad for the answer to her prayers - a robot vacuum cleaner called "Roomba." $400 later, we were the proud owners of a noisy, plastic piece of shit bionic hockey puck that terrifies the cat, eats $30 batteries like they're Cheetos, yet asphyxiates on anything larger than a dead cricket.

After two agonizing years, Roomba finally joined Robbie when I unwittingly stepped on in the middle of the night and death-surfed through the dining room and into the china cabinet containing Sissy's ceramic cat collection. Thankfully, the impact destroyed the Roomba and most of Sissy's collection, while I survived with only a broken toe.

These are the things we want training our Marines? Frankly, I'd sleep a little better knowing humans are training the troops.
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