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by Jules
Rated: 13+ · Review · Other · #2145847
Humor and silliness
There comes a time when there’s too much of a good thing. The 2019 collaboration of Hollywood heavyweight writer-directors J.J. Abrams and Joss Whedon was just such a thing. With such geniuses as this at the helm, what could go wrong? Turns out, a lot. An awful lot.

This movie went where no movie had gone before. The Force not only awakened, but exploded onto the scene. Earth’s super heroes battle the Universes greatest villains. You get the idea.

This was to be the mightiest of mashups. A tale on steroids, combining the blockbuster franchises of Star Trek, Star Wars, The Avengers, The Justice League and, just for some extra dazzle, a Harry Potter reunion was thrown into the mix. They called it The Star Justice Magic Avengers.

The opening wowed audiences, it had them cheering. But soon the action sequences were dizzying, literally. To fit every character into two and a half hours, producers sped up the film sequences so fast it was hard to tell who was on screen. Was that a flash of red from Ironman or Spiderman? Was that flash of black the Black Widow or the Black Panther? Who could tell at that speed?

And there were Just. So. Many. Superheroes. on the screen, they were all out of breath trying to say the few lines each was allotted in record speed.

That’s when things really went awry, as the most sarcastic of the super heroes, Tony Stark, AKA Ironman stopped mid- sentence and looked into the camera. “Are you kidding me?”

Then Batman turned to the camera. “Yeah, what gives?”

Hermione spoke next. She pointed beyond the camera. “It was their fault.”

Wonder Woman’s face flashed with rage. She took out her magic lasso and threw it, with a little of Hermione’s magic, not only into, but beyond the screen and pulled two individual through the space-time continuum, back into the movie itself. She had lassoed J.J. Abrams and Joss Whedon.

Spiderman webbed the two men.

Dr. Strange spoke. “All I wanted was for you to write my hands back.”

Ray took out her light saber for effect. “ Was a little back-story too much to ask?”

Thor thundered. “ How about a logical plotline?”

Dr. Bruce Banner became enraged. “All I wanted was a little acknowledgement for the contribution as the brilliant scientist that I am. You gave me half a line.” He thundered and sunk to the ground and began writhing and turning green. “ HALF A LINE!”

“Oh, this is perfect,” Peter Quill said as he backed away from the growing green monster.

Harry Potter stepped forward to the now quivering Abrams and Whedon. “I literally died and came back to life to save the world from Voldomort and you two brought me back for this?!?” He pulled out his wand and aimed it at the now Incredible Hulk. “I’m done,” he said and muttered an incantation while pointing his wand, and sent an incredible bolt of lightning toward the Hulk

The Hulk suddenly was the Hulk times a thousand. He roared a roar that literally deafened anyone within fifty miles, and smashed everything and everyone on the screen, including the piddly little Abrams and Whedon.

And that was it. There was nothing left of the movie, the characters were forever gone, and anyone in the audience who survived got their money back.

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