Alone, naked and scared, I face the horror of SHRINKAGE!
|'Twas the night after Christmas, the wind was a'blowin'
From up in the night sky, 'twas plenny o' snowin'
Me arse was a' chilly - the rest o' me too!
Cuz I was quite naked, alone in the loo
Me reflection looked chubby - like Jabba The Hut
so I threw out me chest, an' I sucked in me gut
'Twas then when I peered down, I seen both me foots
yet NOW they looked CLOSER, no ifs, ands or buts!
They both were IN FOCUS, like never before!
What miracle was happ'ning down there on the floor?
The penny then dropped, an' it filled me with DREAD!
Me FOOTS were decidedly NEARER me HEAD!!
When I was a young man, all them years ago
it never concerned me much - how tall I'd grow
But now that I'm shrinking n' nature's took hold
I seem to be goin' down FAST (so I'm told)!
But just HOW MUCH shorter, I wanted to know?
How much was there left of me, twixt head an' toe?
So I grabbed me a pencil, an' stood up real tall
then lined up the top o' me head on the wall …
With the pencil I drew a mark - that was me CREST
for taller or shorter - for worser or best
'Twas then that I got out me measuring tape
I'd soon know the truth! No, there'd be no escape!
Said, "Bye" to me feet, then I let out me belly
just like in them "Weight Watchers" ads on the telly
Then curious, I wrapped the tape once 'round me girth ...
which I shouldn't have done! Oh dear sweet Mother Earth!
You'd think this discov'ry would fill me with fright
and plenty o' RUE too! But try as I might
me head didn't care how much tummy I'd gained
but rather me LONGNESS - how much had it WANED?
The naked old dude in the mirror spurred me on!
"Get ON with it! Let's see 'OW MUCH o' ya's GONE!"
Ergo an' without no more further adieu
I got down to business, up there in the loo!
The verdict told me what I'd dreaded the most!
The dude in the mirror - he looked like a ghost!
THREE INCHES I'd SHRUNK! Blith'ring BLIMEY, EH WOT?
and in such a SHORT TIME! I submit THAT'S A LOT!
'Twas then I remembered me last Doc's appointment
He'd studied me rash n' then gave me some ointment
But also he told me three discs had bin crushed
in me spine. He said, "They is forevermore SCHMUSHED!"
That's ONE INCH per DISC, if me math's without error
"THAT'S IT" I exclaimed to the old naked feller!
"ERGO " he said back to me, "THAT'S WHY you're FATTER!"
"It's re-distri-BUTED our soft tissue matter!"
"OF COURSE!" I agreed, "T'weren't the DONUTS at ALL!"
"Nor the ICE CREAM, nor COOKIES, nor spicy RUM BALLS!"
And so now my friends, I declare n' TO WIT
THIS POME is now OVER, CONCLUDED - that's it.