A day in the life of a mentally disabled man w/ a druggie mother & skinhead brother.
|Hi. My name is Dwight. I'm 22 years old. I live with my mom and my brother Otis, who's 4 years younger than me, so I am the oldest. My dad left when I was littel. I dont rimember him too well. My mom says he was a asshole and we are beter off without him. She says I am nothing like him and I know she likes that about me. My mom used to use drugs. She loves me and I love her very well too. She has had a rough life and she used to date men who used to beet her up. I know she loves me, he older son, the best. I cant help that. My mommy has a temper & Jesus she can yell loud. 'Dwight wake up before I drag your bony ass out of bed!' Jesus. She cuddles me and kisses me on her bed. I think peeple would think its wierd but it makes me feel really good & nice. She puts her arms around me and sqeezes me tight. It makes my body feel good and I feel safe. My favorite thing about me is that I am tall, almost 6 feet. I don't know what my leest favorite thing about me is. Probably a lot of things. Peeple think Im wierd & stupid. I guess I am kinda stupid, but I wish they would just leeve me alone already. It makes me feel bad, even if its true. Peeple like to trick me because Ill admit it, its easy to do. I would like friends and I would like to have a girlfreind butIve never been on a date. My mom says its OK, Dwight, its OK, give me time. I am a virgen, which is frustrating cause I really want to know what sex is like! Women think I am dumb and nasty, which makes me very angry, but what ever, you know, that's life.
I asked this one girl Dawn Harvey for a date back in high school, because I thought she was kinda funny and I liked her eyes, & she said "Aw, Im sorry Dwight, Ive got a boyfreind. Your a nice boy.' Later I found out she had lyed. She didnt really have a boyfreind! Like Im too stupid to find out the truth! See through her lies! She just didnt want to date me! What a joke! I went home crying that day & mommy said 'dont let those bitchs get you down Dwight. Your a nice boy. A real nice boy. Any girl would be lucky to have you." I felt a littel better and I hugged her. When my mom kisses me she gets drool on my cheek, or on my lips if she kisses my lips. I dont know if you knew this but that happens when you use the drug meth. Which my mom used. I dont know why she would use that shit. She tells me if I use meth or heroine or anything like that she will fuckin kill me. No trial, Im fuckin dead. She said not to let anybody trick me into using that shit. Even to make freinds, even if they say it feels good and it wont hurt me if I try it just one time. I said 'I know mommy. I know.' I dont mind her sayin she would fuckin kill me because shes just lookin out for me. Lookin out for her boy. Her good boy. I try to be good anyways.
Me Mom & Otis live in a big white house with an walnut tree in the yard. Some times the walnuts hit the tin roof and wake me up, and I get scared. They sound loud like gun shots. The house smells funny but you get used to it. There are cockroachs and piss stains on the carpet. Once my moms boyfreind (I dont rimember which one) was drunk and high as a kite and pulled out his dick and pissed on the floor. He thought is was funny like he was dog. Mom cried. There aint no excuse for that shit. They say Im retarted and I dont do that shit. I sometimes have accedents from getting scared or over excited but I dont wet myself on purpose or wet on the floor on purpose. Thats disgusting. My mom would kill me. So thats me. Im Dwight. My mommy used to do drugs and date trash. She loves me. I like to touch her & kiss her. She says Im a very sweet, afectianate boy. I tell her she is a awsome mom & she kisses me back. It makes me feel good. Just good and nice-nice. Otis is a fan of that man Hitler. I dont think hes a very nice man. He killed a lot of people, put them in ovens to burn cause he thought he and his Nazis were better. Better then everyone else, so he put em in ovens. He killed himself with a gun. Blew his brains out. Good, I say, the man had it coming. Otis would kill me if he said that out loud, He hates me. He gets evil. He gets this look on his face and I get really scared, I swear to God. My mom once said if Daddy had done like she told him to and worn the condim we wouldnt have this problem livin at our house. Condims keep the lady from gettin pregnent. You put it on your penes. Its rubber so it doesnt hurt. If I ever do sex with a woman I have to use one, because if she gets pregnent I have to pay child suppert & I cant be a daddy! & the baby might be retarted like me because my sperm is bad. Im slow. Any kids I have might be slow too. My mom told me so. I said 'I could just pull out.' She said 'dont you dare, Dwight. Dont be ignorent. Youre a good boy. Use your head.'
I hope Otis will move out soon so me & my mom can live together forever. By ourselves. Take his flags and pictures of Mr Adolf Hitler with him. Screw it. I dont care. He hurts me and makes me feel sick to my stomach. Dont hurt me Otis. Pleese kill yourself like that idiot Hitler. Ha-ha. I wish peeple didnt treat me like I was a joke. They laugh when I didnt meen to say anything funny. I have a soft head. I had an accident when I was little. I dont rimember what happened, & my mom wont tell me. She keeps changin the story around. Shes told me I fell down stairs, got hit by a drunk driver, fell out of a tree, I dont know why shes lyin to me. I dontthink I want to know really. Shes my best freind in the world, I dont have anything truly bad to say about her. We do everything together. She watches TV with me. She takes me everywhere with her. She brushes out my hair. I can do it myself but she likes to help. She ties my shoes cause sometimes I still cant do it. She puts a pillow under my head when I have a fit. I have spastic fits. It sucks but its the way it is. A lot of things suck. I go away but I dont know where I go. Then I wake up and shes with me, holding my hand. Shes kept my head safe with a pillow. She says 'you back with me Dwight?' and I say 'yes mommy' and she cries and kisses me. Sometimes I peed my pants. She snuggles with me in the bed next to her pushing my body ageinst her. Makes me feel good and funny. She says it feels good for her too. Like I can portect her. She says Im a good man. I like that. Call me a man not a boy Ma. I wanna portect you.
Youve been with losers who hurt you. I would never hurt you. Never. I love you much. You derseve better. You take good care of your boy. You derserve better then some sad peice of shit who gets high and drunk and smacks you around the room. Whack! Whack! Dragging you across the floor & across the goddamn room. By the hair. By the shirt. You screeming for him to stop. He wont stop. He wont. He thinks your boy is retard. Your boys wants to kill him for you mommy but he too scared. Wants to piss his pants mommy and run away, wants to stab that peice of shit mommy, he dont derserve to live, stab him through the chest with a big knife. Watch him fall, blood spilling. Laugh & laugh. Hows that mommy? he never gonna hurt you again. Hit my mommy. Hit a woman. Not so tough now are you? Fagot. Blood poring outta his chest like hot lava. And I love you for it. But I dont do the shit I really want to do for you mommy. I go & hide and piss myself & I cry. Cry till it feels theres a great big man sitting on my chest crushing me. Because I wanna be there for you mommy. I love you so much it feels like a man is sitting on my chest again.
I get the bad feelings. Like I wanna touch you in a way I shouldnt. Kiss you in a bad way. I wanna be their for you mommy. Be their for you. I know its bad OK? It makes me feel nasty. But I want it all the same. You portect me. You only hit me when I really derserve it. You keep me in line. You make me like my life a little bit, because if you werent there mommy I dont think you would. Sometimes I wanna die. Im not good. Im not speciel. Nobody would care if I died. The kids at school were always tellin me to kill myself. They told me nobody was gonna miss me, I was trash. But my mama loves me. Im the best damn thing thats ever hapened to her. She was young when she had me. Too young. My daddy was an asshole but Im her speciel little boy. I guess what Im tryin to say is life makes me wanna die. My mama makes me wanna live.
My hand is getting tired. I feel bad about what I wrote. I think Im gonna throw these peices of paper away. Im not so good at spelling. I talk better then I rite. Peeple understand what Im sayin when I talk. I rote some bad things down here. Secrit things. I wanna say goodbye now. Bye-bye.- Dwight