A non-fiction piece about the last four years of my life.
| A Letter to My Abuser:
You were both the best and the worst four years of my life. You were where my good morning text was sent and where my mind drifted to right before I would hurt myself. You were the essence of my high school social life and also why I had none. You were the reason I lost friends and also the reason I smiled. Everything about you was a contradiction.
I'm trying to make a life for myself, trying to be happy. Everything you did follows me like a fire follows a trail of gasoline, because that's what you were. You were the fire in my life that I always seemed to set off. You're not even in my life anymore, yet you still manage to fuck everything up. I'm trying to be happy. I'm trying to make everything okay now. I'm trying to convince myself that I'm good enough for love; I've found someone who makes me see it. Madison means the world to me. I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with her, but the scars you left on my brain get in the way. I doubt and question every single thing she does. A girl full of love and good intentions is stuck with me, a kid with a screwed-up mind. You did this to us.
This letter isn't about getting a response. I know that I will never send it to you. I don't want an apology, though I know for a fact that I would never get one. You were never very good at them anyway. Somehow it was always my fault, even if you were in the wrong. But, like I said before, I was the gasoline that always set you off.
I often find myself staring off into space as my mind replays our worst moments together, Madison's calming voice the only thing able to bring me back to Earth. Some nights, when Madison is back in Massachusetts, I can hear your voice whisper over and over how much I wanted what you did.
I don't want to hear your voice again. I don't ever want to see you again, but we will forever be linked together. You've left scars on me that I can never rid myself of, no matter how hard I try. Madison is left to deal with the repercussions of your abuse. There. I said it. You abused me. You never hit me, not really, but emotional scars bleed too.
Especially when those emotional scars lead to real ones.
You were okay with me trying to kill myself. I know that, in the end, the decision was all mine. I take full responsibility for that. But you were my girlfriend. You told me that it was alright if I did, that you understood completely. You didn't push me to do it, but you gave me one last hug that night and said, "maybe I'll see you again someday."
This letter is my last goodbye. I'm ridding you from my life, as best I can. My family is sure to bring you up. My friends are sure to talk about your new girlfriend. My Facebook will always show those memories that we shared, because they weren't all bad - which makes everything that much worse.
The sickest thing is that I don't even hate you. I hate what you did, but I truly don't think I could ever hate you. We have a lot of memories together; some good, some bad, none of them leaving my brain. But, I'm done letting you rule my life.
This is goodbye forever,