Thinking of past mistakes

i often wonder if she ever felt what i felt. Perhaps she was messing with me. Maybe .. that was who she was. One of those people who are just "touchy". I'm not like that .. hugs terrify me. I never know how to react to them. We go to the same church..and well.. people there like to hug. At first i dreaded hugging her back. Then i got used to it and didn't mind that much. I used to sit next to her during that Sunday service. She would rest her head on my shoulders but she would do the same to another. So i told myself this was just what she did and it had no meaning. Tell me then why i felt something different when she held my hand. Once maybe it happened twice.. but it was cold during the service. I protected myself by putting my hands inside my coat pockets. she was cold as well and so in my pockets her hands went in. And that was fine but she held my hand. interlocking them with hers.. it was uncomfortable. Its not that i didn't like it . Its just that i didn't know how to react to that. I didn't know what it was i was beginning to feel. I went to a party with her. It was dark outside when we decided to lay down in the trampoline. The stars were out. And we talked.. we shared things. She cried. Or was that me? That night we had a sleepover. she has/had a small bed next to her queen and that's where we were. I think... we hugged? cuddled? what was it? It hasn't been that long since that day but my memory betrays me. I do remember telling her something along the lines of me questioning my sexuality. The next day she told me that if she ever did anything to make me uncomfortable then i should let her know.
She was telling me of this guy that was talking to her. I knew him. We had U.S history in the 8th grade and i had talked to him that same summer. I wasn't jealous that he was talking to her. And I wasn't jealous that she was talking to him. I just wasn't interested in what she had to tell me about the situation. Iv'e never been interested in talking about that. mainly because i don't know how to talk about boys or offer any advice on them to others. Anyhow.. i felt that because she wasn't ?.. i don't know where she stood with her other friends but i felt that because of certain events she began telling me things like that. Talking about boys with me had never happened before.. at least not to that degree. And i guess you could say that i came to a realization..... ever since 2017 started she wasn't going to church as much as she used to. And i understood why.. she was busy and her mom had just gotten married again. Plus we didn't go to the same school anymore. The only time we ever did spend time together was during church. and in the beginning of the year i missed her. A lot. i used to text her and now looking back it was like a weekly thing. slowly i stopped asking her. I didn't want to get my hopes up. Sometimes she'd say yes and not show up that Sunday. I also didn't want see a "no" as an answer. i slowly began to not mind going to church if she was/wasn't there. I had started making friends? no .. not friends ...more like acquaintances.. i just began to talk to other people at church which i hadn't done, because she was the person i hanged out with. I realized/ told myself that this wasn't really a friendship anymore. And i told her the same thing...but i screwed up by doing so through text. And the way i expressed it might have not been the best choice of words. Because what i do remember saying is that i didn't care enough. That wasn't the way i was going to say why i though our friendship had changed. I was going to tell her how i felt. How i thought i might like her.
I didn't know how i would explain it to her. I just knew that i did.. ..You know, I dreamed of her once. It wasn't anything bad.. or anything sexual... she was just there . And i ask myself," how is it possible that i can remember this so vividly yet forget almost any other aspect of what our friendship was?" Usually my dreams go away as fast as lightning but this i know for sure.... were in a room... but the door looks familiar.. She is standing by what appears to be the the church entrance. Her hair down and she is smiling. shes glowing? there was something about her... she wasn't glowing..glowing .. she just stood out to me . she held her hand out. and before i could reach over.. she went inside. l followed her. and this was a different room . filled with lots and lots of people and as i reached for her they all turned around. they stared at me. and then were gone. We appear in another room. shes way closer than before and she keeps getting closer. and that was it. that's the dream. I woke up crying from it. And i knew exactly why. But i couldn't tell her that. That would make me weird. BTW i had typed that same dream to her. I erased it and decided that i couldn't ever tell her. And i didn't want it to be true at the time. Like i said i was questioning it but that didn't mean i was ready to accept it. Or accept that i was having feeling for a friend. so i told her about the new year stuff... how i rarely saw her anymore and that i stopped caring. How i knew i was a shitty friend for not being able to give advice. How i was sorry. How i felt obligated to buy her things because that was what friends did... I told her that i was focused on the friendship aspect... but not being the friend that she needed... and to make it even shorter the whole text was basically .." It isn't you.. its me " type bullshit.....Because it was ME...but I probably came out looking like a jerk. I ended our friendship. We had once talked about staying friends forever.. i could be wrong again ... but i think it was a promise but one that i broke.. because i decided id rather lose her as a friend than confront my feelings .