From your beloved...
18th March 2018
Axbridge, Somerset, 2018
My Dearest Beloved,
The most frightful thing has occurred. During the course of the night 100 millimetres of snow has fallen on the small village of Axbridge, where your beloved has taken up temporary residence this week!
This has caused havoc on the main street that runs through this idyllic habitat.
Mr Lester Piggott, the Town Crier, ventured out on his mobility scooter in pursuit of obtaining his Sunday morning newspaper from the Post Office. Alas, the scooter was not fitted with snow tires, thus causing Mr Piggott to become stranded in the centre of the street. This has caused the worse traffic jam since Porky the Pig escaped from his pen and ran riot in the village square in the year of our Lord 1918.
This did not end well for the porkulent streaker, as you can imagine, but legend has it that the apple sauce was very good that year and went well with Porky on a few dinner tables. There is talk of a re-enactment this year to celebrate the centenary of Porky but the Vegetarian Society is kicking up a terrible stink!
But for Mr Piggott's vocal talents, a tragedy may have ensued. At least three neighbours heard his cries of "Oh Yea! Oh Yea" and came to his rescue. During this time 10 vehicles, including a mini bus of 12 Japanese tourists, equipped with their trusty Nikons, lined up on either side of the scooter, unable to continue their journey.
It became quite the spectacle. Of course, I was not there, as I was suffering from a serious - nay, terminal! - bout of jet lag, but my aunt is a reliable source and she heard it from a friend of a friend (it's entirely possible Lester Piggott may have been this source) who was talking to one of the Japanese tourists at lunchtime in The Lamb, after imbibing two pints of Somerset's finest ale, who witnessed it all.
It transpires that Lester Piggott had been drinking. Imagine that? Drunk and in charge of a mobility scooter! Plus he does not own a driver's license. Scandalous! Well, that's not entirely true. Once upon a time he did own a license, but it was revoked after failing his twelfth eye test. He is eighty-eight, after all.
This is what happened. Apparently.
The bus load of Japanese tourists disembarked and enthusiastically started snapping pictures of Lester Pigggot's predicament. Two of them were using iPhones, and it is this that lead to the events, in this seemingly sleepy outpost of rural England, to go viral. It's hard to believe an elderly man on a scooter, three sheets to the wind, caught in a snow blizzard ('Beast From The East', the media termed it, but it could perhaps more accurately be termed as 'Bread Without Yeast), could capture the worlds attention.
Until you learn that he was a lawyer. And not just any lawyer. A Queen's Counsellor!
I must admit, hearing that Prince Charles turned up to douse the flames of controversy was a shock. But when I learned that Camilla was with him I knew it was a publicity stunt. How shameless is that? And who could have possibly anticipated that Shinzo Abe, the Prime Minister of Japan, had chosen this week to explore his love of cheese and cream on a family holiday in Cheddar? I have to say, I'm pretty sure I saw him tonight, looking forlorn as I was, standing outside the dark and closed facade of the local Chinese restaurant. That in itself would make the Sun newspaper: "Japanese PM Craves Chinese!" But who can blame him? There is zero opportunity of Sushi in Cheddar!
All seriousness aside, I hope you appreciate the ramifications of these revelations and how that brings into question my credibility. You're right. Not at all. Nobody gives a shit what I think.
At their peril, I hasten to add. Do not discard the thoughts and intentions of a man beset by a love that defines his existence.
Just know that Lester Piggott was rescued from his dilemma. He fell in love and married a third cousin of Shinzo Abe (sometimes shit like that just happens), but sadly died within months of this riveting tale. I am glad to report that there will be a sushi restaurant opened up in Cheddar. There is currently a competition to determine the name of said establishment. I leave it to to your imagination...