You can take this one to the bank . . . or can you?
|Editors choice 5/17/18 Mystery Newsletter. Writer's Cramp Win
“The perfect bank robbery disguise.” Harriet Mulner donned the Easter bunny outfit with practiced ease. “Three minutes to instant evil fame and riches. That’ll teach them to cancel my account for non-payment.”
The ample bunny potbelly was cavity enough for the cash she expected it to be filled with by her bank withdrawal. She clutched her basket of rotten gas filled eggs and headed out the door, ears flapping and bobbed tail wagging.
She stuffed herself in her Volkswagen Beetle and headed to the main downtown branch. It might not be the speediest get-away car but would certainly be unexpected and unobtrusive. Her timing was impeccable. A bank teller was just turning the open sign around.
Harriet hopped out, leaving her car running and slipped inside with a friendly pat on the male teller’s butt. “Hoppy Easter and April Fools, you want to fool around with me? Later, honey.” And she was inside facing the cameras without a worry. No-one would recognize her in this getup.
A guard lurched up out of his seat with one hand raised to stop her advance, an apologetic frown on his face. “Sorry…” He began. Harriet tossed him a balloon filled with rotten egg gas, painted like an Easter Egg. “I’d like to make a deposit.” She sang gailly, twitching her marvelously large and whiskered nose.
The balloon exploded on contact. The guard gasped wildly. Rubbing his eyes only made his vision more blurry. “Eww. Gaah.” He exclaimed.
“You old fart.” Harriet the Easter bunny laughed, slapping her knees and pointing.
“What is that smell?” A distant bank executive poked his head up above his tiled enclosure. A balloon egg sailed towards the sound, exploding in mid air as it wobbled about. More eyes teared up, groans sprang up faster than spring Easter lilies.
Harriet made her way towards the counters, now left vacant and open by invitation for her to cashout. Some departed soul had the forethought to press the alarm. Seconds were counting. Harriet began stuffing her rapidly emptying basket with green stuff.
The air filter hidden behind her mask kept the worst of the smell from tearing up Harriet’s eyes, now alight with passion at the sudden success of her venture. One gloved hand managed the zipper beneath her potbelly. She stuffed basket and overflowing money inside, preparing for her escape.
“Mommy. It’s the Easter Bunny.” Shrilled a little tyke Harriet tried running over in her enthusiasm to be gone.
“Beast.” The irate mother caught her balance while swinging a heavy purse in a 180 that caught Harriet’s bunny head a full blow, rattling her brains along with the weighted contents of the oversized purse.
The extra weight of the money and centrifugal force drove bunny Harriet head first into the stomach of an approaching police officer.
“Stop Thief.” railed a bank exec from a gaping open third floor window. Harriet lurched to her feet to dance around with the cop hunting for a hold on the massive bunny. Mother wapping Harriet’s head and child kicking her knees sent Harriet into a tailspin.
Her mask torn off, Harriet stared in horror as the child emptied her own Easter basket over Harriet. “I’ve got egg on my face.” She lamented. “Hey, Officer, can’t you take an April Fool’s joke?” She pointed to the stuffings knocked out of her. They were the fake green bills she'd already stuffed inside her tummy tum before banking on the April Fool's joke. The real cash was still inside.
"You just laid an egg." Handcuffs were placed over bunny paws. “I know just where to take this joke and it’s not to the bank.” Harriet would have to pay back her fake bank withdrawal with interest. At least she did become famous for a day, bunny outfit, rotten egg gas and all, in the evening news.