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Itis a rant of a young Nigerian who just goes on and on about the women in his life.
As I wake up today to discover say na another Saturday this, oh boy! I happy gan, I just dey thank Baba God say I still dey alive and kicking. Today come also be the birthday of one of my closest female friends Princess and I dedicate this rant to her and to true friendship, so make she forget birthday gift.
Today, make I yarn about the female specie of the Homo Sapien. I really love the female or make I rephrase, I too like woman,abeg any man-loving guys on my friend list, abeg unfriend yourself sharpaly, why I go love man when all these wonderful creations of GOD full ground? Over the years, I don interact with different females or make I call them ladies according to Baba Fela, so I go group them for my ranting today.
Group 1: My mom and sister; these ones na no go area. I get only one mama and come get one sister too. Them two be GOD’S greatest gift to me, after my breathe of course. The way I dey para for this my one sister, you go think say na she kill me for my past life, I no get emotions, make una know, but deep down, I love her to pieces, I fit maim anybody cos of her, make una no try me. As for my sweet mama, chaii, na she be wetin Justin bieber call for one of he song ‘My sunshine in the darkest days’. These two join get my mumu botton, love them to the heavens.
Group 2: These ones na very close female friends wey we dey relate deeply. We dey discuss female stuffs, male stuffs and all other nonsense you fit think of. Them no pass two, I no wan mention them names make their boyfriends no come waylay me and break my nose for me, e too dey precious for me oh. Well, one of them dey celebrate her birthday today, GOD save her say she don go service else I for enter Lagos with Oyo water to baff her. These ones dey harass innocent me, you go think say I be one kind somebody, the whole psychoanalysis bla, bla, bla. Anyway, them try, time to run before them come for my head and liver. Winsh them. Hehehe!
Group 3: Chaii!!! GOD help me, I’m covered with the blood of JESUS. These ones na group of ‘ex-es’ oh! Yes, I get them plenty and I ain’t proud to say so. Both the ones wey dump me and the ones wey I grow tired of. Me be person wey routines dey tire quickly and I guess a girlfriend is a routine (pun intended). To all my ex them, both the ones wey thruway me like pack of ₦50 condom and the ones wey I grow tired of. Una thank you for keeping up with this weird human being here, even if na for one week the whole thing last, una try gan, no be small thing to dey see my ugly face, my incoherent texts and hear my awkard voice regularly. Big ups to una! Future wife, please take a cue.
Group 4: No guy never experience this dreaded group. Their trademark words goes thus: I don’t see you as a boyfriend material, ‘I don’t have the feelings to date you, I see you as a friend’ and the worst I ever heard: ‘I see you as a brother’ mbok, I know my siblings and them know me joor. These ones are the friend-zoning, friend-zoned ladies.them plenty for my life oh! All my friend-zoned babes them, abeg get pity on us, we just trying to make common sense and before I forget, una need to really upgrade these una trademark words cos it’s getting stale already. No hard feelings sha, we can still work things out, you know.
Group 5: Guys, una don ever fall so hard for a girl, sotey you sef know sey your village people don dey try toy with your destiny? Make I call this group ‘That girl’ group. E fit be that girl down your street, your class, your office, inside bus, your dream, infact anywhere. Deep down, you know say, yes I like this girl, she’s my kinda girl, una fit even turn to greeting partneres or better still gist partners, but your guts go dey tell you to just ‘Let het go’ for no just obvious reasons. When you come see her the next day, your heart go dey play table tennis ‘kpa! kpa!! kpa!!! and this cruel cycle continues.
For me oh! All of these African ladies don give me the best and worst times of my existence on earth and I also learned a few things about the female folks from them all, so future iyawo be rest assured that this ogbeni here don dey download ‘how to understand a woman’ part 1.
Anyway, i say make I write small nonsense, make I rant small. I am Dani Caesar B and I want to make common ‘non’-sense. Writing nonsense is my hobby, if you no like am, you hang.
Princess, where the cake dey? My cravings for sugar is at it’s highest today, my chest dey do me whim! whim!! Have a lovely birthday celebration girl.
#Peace out #Rantings of a jobless corper
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