Questioning the fundamentals of life, battling demons, freeing oneself
|Life comes with endless opportunities, its what you do with those opportunities that makes all the difference.
Do you know that feeling of emptiness even though your a busy individual? or that your missing out on something when your going about your day to day activities, those are the glimpses of both your inner child coming out that in life you manage to suffocate with all the demands of adulthood being forcefully shoved down your throat as well as the universe saying there's something bigger waiting for you out there. See most people like to stick their toes in the water to test it out before jumping full speed ahead, then you have the other end of the spectrum that jumps in all at once and then figure it out later. I ask which one are you?
I am the very grey matter between the over cautious and the all in type, I am overly cautious sometimes and other times I jump in and say "sink or swim." I would rather be the type that does things randomly and sporadically someone that is a self- reliant individual, Rather than this person that externally is dead. You ask yourself how can someone be externally dead, and when I say that I mean someone that has been exposed to the monsters and the cruelty this world possesses. Moving right along, I have been told all my life that if I wanted it so bad then why don't I go and pursue my dreams; then when I do I get met with the skeptical reality of life " this is never going to work, why don't you try to be normal." Growing up was like walking through a dense forest at night with nothing to go on except little glimpses of moonlight in the distance, while a little voice in your head is questioning everything you have ever done both in life and in this journey. Which naturally makes you retreat into your thoughts and fantasies inside your head wishing, hoping that someone would either make these fantasies that she completely made up come true or that someone would come and save her from her reality.
One day after having been met with nothing but skepticism, I had retreated inside my usual safety zone when a light bulb had come on and someone other than her thoughts was talking to me asking why she is wasting her life being dependent on other's to even survive, and wishing that she had more of a legacy to her name. That's like giving an enemy that hates you a gun and expecting them not to shoot you. Thinking man why can't I be more like someone else she's beautiful, charming, and un sheltered the most beautiful thing about this person is that she's not only a dream climber, but she conquers them along with some demons without ever second guessing her decision; such a majestic unsheltered creature in this world leaving her stamp all over the map. Although the way that she see's it " I am only strong because I was forced to be", other times her beautiful words stings with the reality of the world and I know that she only said what needs to be said not what needs to be heard. The dreamer inside me will never cease to dream, but when they are the size of Mt. Everest you have to build those stairs one dream at a time and only getting to build the next step once the first step is accomplished.
I have finally decided upon learning how to climb that mountain and making building those stairs count, except the only thing that I have to build those stairs with is my two hands. Not completely understanding the complexity of the job ahead, she braces it like any other task she has fought to accomplish goes in hard with everything I have only to give up shortly after. I have tried surpassing these roadblocks thinking that I have outsmarted them only to come to a fork in the road tearing at my soul and when the dam has finally reached the brink it overflows with emotions and she then retreats back into the safety net she tried escaping.
The saddest part of them all is that she wants to desperately escape this poor body that is her shelter like the plants in spring, except once she starts blooming and feeling confident someone comes along with a pair of scissors and snips everything off leaving her an emotional wreck which is the equivalent of a natural disaster fighting the rubber body to get out before she accomplishes to suffocate me. I have tried several different solutions to get her out, but it just made the problems greater and the solutions smaller and non existent; to which has casted an evil presence over the body that has encased me making it harder to fight. Every day she get's closer to the surface and I couldn't be more proud of her thinking that she's getting louder and stronger, only to be faced with the harsher reality that the demons that I have suppressed have manipulated their voice to sound like her so that the slip would cause a greater fall and they would be the victor's.
A familiar scent then tickles my nose and I awoke realizing that I had been in the comfort of my bed all day dreaming everything up except my hands were bloodily bruised and nothing had been touched around her. I get up and run over to the mirror to see if anything had changed and although she couldn't see the change she felt the change. Now I know what your thinking, well what change did she feel? the answer is simple yet sad the change that she felt was once again the crushing feeling knowing that it was just a dream. It was at that moment that I realized instead of waiting for a hero to come and sweep her off her feet, why doesn't she become her own hero and set herself free of constraints that surround her world. Looking in the mirror she heard a familiar chuckling " you think that you can win me and set her free, now isn't that cute." Staring deadly into the mirror she says I already have!!!