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by harry
Rated: E · Article · Satire · #2155426
extreme politics are damaging...but funny.
'Alphabet is oppressive' New Research Shows.

The alphabet. It forms the basis of our written and spoken language and most of us, most of the time, don't even think about it; according to one new report however, we should be thinking about it very carefully indeed. The report from the department of oppression studies at Clangers University, claims that the Latin alphabet, the alphabet used in many Indo-European languages including English, is actually oppressive. Professor Latisha Killman, head of the department for oppression studies, explains:

'Most people believe that the alphabet is a harmless collection of letters that provide our phonetic basis for language. Unfortunately most people are wrong. The Latin alphabet evolved during Roman times – a highly patriarchal society. As we all know, patriarchal societies convey structures that are necessarily corrupt and the alphabet is no exception. A lot of oppression was hidden within the alphabet by the cis-normative white males who both developed it and forced it upon everyone else. Fortunately, due to the great work here at Clangers, we have managed to uncover this structural oppression and reveal the alphabet for what it really is: a tool of the patriarchy.'

When asked exactly how the alphabet was oppressing people Killman said:

'I would love to explain the details, but the analysis within the report is extremely complex and full of words like 'trans-normative-socio-queer' and 'systematic-patriarchal-subversion' and you have to be super-woke to understand it. You'll just have to take my word for it – the alphabet is riddled with oppression.'

Experts within Clanger's oppression studies department have already begun the development of a new alphabet which they claim is 'at least 87% less oppressive,' than the traditional Latin alphabet. This new improved alphabet contains more f's - 'the most feminine of all the letters' according to Killman and has cut out many of the letters deemed too oppressive. When asked about the new alphabet one faculty member gave the following statement:

'affaff ferfaf eh ffff fafly flibby flaf. Flify frefr, frar raffly faf faf farfy.'

Not all academics agree that adopting the new alphabet is the way to proceed however. Regina Lovegirl, Lecturer in queer studies at Nevergreen College, denounced the use of alphabets altogether. 'The work carried out at Clanger's is excellent,' says Lovegirl, 'however it is clear that it is not simply the Latin alphabet that is oppressive but alphabets in general. Alphabets are highly structural by nature and structure itself is patriarchal. Individuals should be free to make the sounds they want to make without an alphabet dictating to them what sounds they should make.' Asked how she plans to communicate effectively without the use of an alphabet she said 'I'll basically make the noises I want to make, not the noises that the oppressive structures of the alphabet force me to make. If the noises I freely choose to make happen to sound a lot like English that's just a coincidence.'

Others have more everyday ways to put the reports findings into action. Feminist and Mother of two Sarah Jackson states 'Until reading this report I had no idea how oppressive the alphabet was. Now that I've been enlightened, I'll be raising my children alphabet-neutral. Jason is already three, so unfortunately he has already picked up a lot of the old oppressive alphabet that is conveyed in much of our society. Luckily my youngest is only six months old so she stands a much better chance of avoiding such social conditioning. I plan to lock her in a room with minimal stimulation so she can develop the language that she freely chooses to, without being oppressed by that horrible old alphabet. I'm just happy I can give my children opportunities that I never had growing up.'

Although critics of the report have claimed that the alphabet is actually quite useful, Professor Killman has been quick to point out that anyone who critises her work is almost certainly 'a Nazi.'

'The work that we're doing here at Clangers is absolutely vital. Believe it or not we have actually reached a point where almost every child in the country has learned to use the alphabet. This is terrible news and something we can only put a stop to through the continued hard work of everyone here in the oppression-studies group. The only rational explanation for anyone disagreeing with that is if they are an actual Nazi.'
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