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Rated: E · Non-fiction · Emotional · #2156115
A sort of update as to where I am emotionally at this sad time in my life.
A Waiting Game

It has been quite a while since I posted anything at all, quite a long while. Life has been a bit on the cruel side. My Lis is in a Nursing Home and will remain there until she passes away. Brain damage, neuro surgery and multiple strokes have left her no chance of recovery, the brain simply can’t repair the damage done.
That said means that my own life is totally confused. What do I do? Selfish ? Yes, of course it is, but I have to live what life I have left as best I can, and that is a real problem. I get anxiety over simple things that should not cause difficulty, but do. I get depressed with the situation and know that medication is not the answer. I know what I should be doing to make my life worth living, but I lack the motivation to actually do it. And so it goes on. It is no one’s fault, but it is hard to accept what I know can’t be fixed and keep on trying to be positive for Lis, when I feel like I do. I am actually 13 years older than Lis and it should be me lying there, waiting to pass on, not her.
Depression, dejection and frustration don’t help me at all, but I am stubborn and will keep going as long as I can be of some use to Lis. My rented house is much too big for my needs so I’m looking for something smaller. More compact , so I can do my own housework, cooking and such, with minimum effort. It is amazing what is NOT available in our small town. Unfortunately our town is in what is called a ‘disadvantaged’ area. We don’t even have an operating theatre in our local hospital. It was removed because there was no properly qualified doctor available to do the anaesthetic when needed, among other things, like cost of maintaining it. For anything needing surgery, it’s a couple of hours in an ambulance to get treatment. On the other side of the coin, it is also a quiet, peaceful place to live.
Three years living alone and coping with visiting my Lis twice a day to help her cope with her situation is not something I would wish on anyone at all, it’s a long drag, every day of the week. The solution is to do something about it myself, but - ? I simply lack the motivation to get up and make a move. Depression and stuff does that, so I’m told. If someone cared enough about me to give me a swift kick in the butt end and then help me get a life it would be wonderful. That won’t happen, so I have to try to get the Doctor and whoever I can convince to give me a hand to actually do something constructive. My own poor health is also a bit of a bugbear too.
I have a list of things which could be better than they are with regard to my own health, but none are life threatening at this point in time. So, I play the waiting game. I wait for a miracle I know won’t come, I wait for Lis to recover, even though I am told by experts she will not, I wait for my own health to improve while I do nothing to help make that happen; I wait – for whatever comes. There are vague signs that I will get more positive again, I am washing the floors more often, keeping the laundry up to speed and cooking a wider variety of food for myself. That’s a start, but I have a long way to go.
Thank you to all those who have offered me support over the last three years, you have kept me going when I might have given up. I’ll post this as an item to let you all know that I am still here, even though I don’t appear to be.
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