Saying goodbye to someone I loved but never knew.
| A grey car carrying three passengers settled down into a 'visitor's only' parking space by my apartment building. Then, out stepped the most beautiful girl I had ever seen in my life--along with her mother and father. She usually wears a comfortable hoodie and jeans, but this time she wore a more feminine top and shorts. I am well not educated in the fine arts of fashion, so I couldn't identify what exactly it was even if my life depended on it. Regardless, it was both refreshing and a strange feeling to see her like this; I am not exactly sure how I felt about it.
She had brown hair, an almost perfectly set up hair bun, and a shade of blue eyes that were so deep and captivating. I don't really trust myself in defining what about her in particular I found perfect because I don't fully understand myself. Did I like her because of what she looks like or because of who she was as a person? Was it so wrong to like both? Either way, I never had the chance to test either when I was actually in front of her because I would feel drunk. I just couldn't think. It was a hazy and incomprehensible feeling. I had never felt like it before in my life; only when I was with her. Both in mind and body, everything seem to fixate onto her in that moment-- and it felt wonderful.
At the moment, my memory seemed fuzzy, but I can remember meeting her first as a childhood friend perhaps. She was always so fun to play with and be around because of all of the energy and imagination she had. We would dream together when we were young. In my dreams we would fly with wings to any place we wanted. We would overcome any situation, and had a life of adventure. In dreams, we were happy, and we were always there for each other as we went on through our own paths in life.
When there was a knock on the door, I didn't know what to expect at first. And when expectations met reality, I was surprised to say the least. It was her. Of course, a little different, but I could still see the her I thought I knew in her pretty eyes.
My mom approached them and lead them in with a smile. I was too nervous to smile, and I was sure she could see that; I am not too good as concealing those things anyway. My mom lead them to our modest farm house with her open-armed generosity. While parents kept being parents and talked away like adults do, we came face to face.
"Hello" I squealed in a tiny voice to the goddess.
"Hi" She said shyly while awkwardly holding up her hand
I couldn't believe I was seeing her again. It has been a long time since we had seen each other. After our time in middle school and high school, we hadn't been able to see each other or even talk. Of course, I was blushing to see the person I had idolized for so long in front of me once again. We decided to head upstairs to my room and talk; it was a great opportunity for us to get caught up in each other's lives. Meanwhile, our parents made as much small talk as complete strangers would. That didn't stop them from making a plan and changing our lives without our knowledge--typical parenting 101 stuff.
It turned out, her parents where going take a formal vacation and wanted someplace to drop off their daughter. They thought it would be a good opportunity for childhood friends to meet up again--perhaps a final time before we would fully become adults ourselves. Of course, how could we possibly refuse such an angel into my abode. The second I saw her parents car leave my apartment building's parking lot, I knew it would be a blast. I was so happy I could die.
We set up an inflatable mattress in my room. Surprisingly, as a farm house, my room was actually very big. I think it was an attic, but from the amount of space and how clean it is, no-one could be the wiser. I did have to admit, though, it was a bit strange to had us sleep in the same room as each other, but I loved spending time with her and getting to know her better--so I didn't mind.
After the lights went off, we both stayed awake for a little while longer. I hadn't stared at this ceiling since I was 10, and a lot of things had changed since then.
"Hey...." I whispered to her in the dark.
"Hey..." She said softly. Even her voice filled my stomach with butterflies. I was so excited to speak to her again.
"I know this is a weird time to say this, but I .... I love you. I knew since the first time we had locked eye contract, it was this instantaneous and intuitive feeling I haven't fully been able to understand. I tried for the longest time to deny it; I was scared because I didn't know why I felt this way. However, what I did know was that every second I spent with you was precious to me. I know its cliche, but I can honestly say that meeting you changed my life, as it changed the way I view the world. Even through there has been many rough times between us, I can't stop but feel this way about you. All I ever wanted was to truly get to know you and to support you. I wanted us to continue to create and imagine things together-- I wanted us to fly higher than we ever flew before. I realize its too late and its a bit naive, but I thought you should know that. I never meant to hurt you, or for this story to have a sad ending for either of us."
"I know.." She acknowledged how I felt but never gave an answer in response.
My eyes adjusted to the dark to see her looking at her phone in a chair beside my bed. It was sort of like a recovery bed in a hospital maybe? I couldn't see where we were exactly, and I couldn't see her mattress or any other elements in the room that were there before. Where were we? For that matter, why was there so many inconsistencies in this story. Were we in an apartment or my old farm house? Why would this arrangement happen in the first place? What happened to all of her brothers and sisters? Was she really my childhood friend?
My world was crumpling apart and the worst thing I could think of was how distant she had been to me this whole evening. Before everything would fade to black, my first instinct was to grab her in a deep embrace. Though I didn't know how and haven't done so before, I held on to her with everything I had-- I didn't want to let her go... no matter what. I knew she wasn't the real her, but the scariest thing was that the warmth I felt from her was the same warm I had felt when I was actually around her. When it gave me pleasure before, all it gave me was a burning sadness in its place.
" I was so convinced I was pathetic and you were always there to listen to my little heart as I unleashed wall of text after wall of text. Even though I will never know how you truly felt... Thank you so much"
"Your welcome." She said without looking away from her phone
"I promised that I would be honest forever and without hesitation, but what I ended up telling you were the things I was feeling in the moment. At the very end, I kept telling lie after lie, and I regretted every time I did so. I wish I could have a complete explanation for why I truly said what I said and did what I did, but I honestly don't know why"
"okay" She continued doing something with her phone
"No matter what we said and did together, I still don't know who you are. No matter what fault or blame I give to why that is, all I can say in the end is that I don't know. No matter what excuse or argument I could say about us and why the story ended as it did, I just don't know."
"I miss you... so very much." Tears flowed down my cheeks against my will. I felt so helpless.
I just kept holding on; it was all I had left of her. I still had unresolved feelings, and I still loved her. No matter how hard I held onto her, she didn't hug back or complain, but it was enough for her just to be there. Inevitably, She put her phone away and looked at me one last time without expression. I looked up at her with tears in my eyes. I didn't want to keep her there against her will, so I made one of the hardest decisions and released my grip. She got up and slowly walked towards the door. No once did she look back, even if I wanted her too.
All that was left was the person she left behind, alone in his bed. But no one ever truly gets left behind, all they do is find there own way...