Written June 24, 2012
|I've questioned myself many times throughout my life. Most of the time it is a direct result of someone else's opinion of me. I think I have said before that I didn't care what others thought of me, but that has never been true a day in my life.
I know I am different than most people. I'm not awkward or crazy, but I am different. A loved one's mother is the only other person to acknowledge that in a positive light. She told me that I reminded her of her son, and, like him, I was made of something special that she could see from day one. I knew what she meant then, but I didn't know how to explain it. It's compassion and passion and emotion in extreme overdrive. That is my soul.
My compassion for others is so great that I can't even read news stories about extreme tragedy or real life devastation. I think it is also part of me that makes me always think that there can be something better or greater out there, that every day should be a reaffirmation of why I'm involved with the ones I am. But that is as unrealistic as it comes...
My current relationship is not my ideal for a lot of reasons. But when you look at it objectively, and especially from his point of view, I am damn lucky. Could there be a match out there for me that is a better fit? Definitely. But is it even possible to get past all my "baggage" to get to that match? Not even a little bit.
I fell in love with someone once. It was like a fairy tale connection. Exactly what I always thought it would be like when it was completely right. But then life happened to show me the difference between fiction and reality. Life happened in the kinds of ways that you can't ignore and there is no moving beyond it. I told myself for a long time that it would work out, because when it is meant to be, it will happen... but even as the most hopeless romantic, I can't believe that any more. I'm not sure if I ever really did.
Fact is, emotions lie. People lie. I lie. To myself.
I have never been a good person. Well at least not in a long time. I have been a liar, a cheat, someone who runs away, someone who is too scared to face my own reality. That has been my core for such a long time that I didn't even see it anymore. I think that is where my real problem is.
I don't know when it was that changed things. I thought for awhile that it was the threat of losing my child, but that isn't it. But something changed me one day. It hasn't been an easy journey, and I haven't been without fault or mistakes or relapses. But my heart isn't in all the wrongdoing anymore. My commitment to making my life as it is be the best it can be is what I have to focus on.
That same mother I referenced earlier? She told me years ago that I have to focus on how I can make things the best they can be. I can't change anyone else or control their actions, but I can do everything in my power to improve my situation. I didn't really get it then, but I think I finally do.
I'm not good at letting go, but I'm getting there.