It's hard when your love is so far away
|I hate touch. It's my biggest need, and can leave me free falling and questioning everything about her, about us. It makes me focus on what is lacking instead of delighting on the other forms of love between us. It is my weakness.
I read her old letters for the written words of affirmation. They are so loving yet ring a bit hollow as there is no touch. I look at the gifts and remember the giving and I miss her. I miss her smile and that gentle laugh.
I am sentimental and romantic. I look at all the pictures I snapped of her on the last visit. There must be over two hundred of them. I smile and remember the days. The first one at the club, her first visit and staying over night. Bringing her to work to meet everyone. Hiking in Helen, the Appalachian Trail, she shares my passion for the outdoors. I love her for it.
Meeting the most important person in my life and them loving each other. They did "girl talk" and talked about her daddy. I took the gentle teasing from them both and felt so loved for it. They connected over their love for me and then discovered they had a lot more in common then just her daddy. One was left wishing for the next time the other would come back. I share that feeling everyday she is not here.
We had ice cream, Medieval Times and Kids Up. I loved that weekend. It was busy, I crammed every last bit of fun that could fit into it. She is cared for by everyone I am close to in my life. Everyone that truly matters to me accepts her and loves her.
We had our "quality time", she had to go home and I am right back on Touch. I start to long for her again. I begin to miss her. Touch hurts, it cuts deeply when you don't have it. I need her with me. Need her in my arms and sleeping on my chest at night.
I love that physical closeness. It's her greatest gift and I miss it. I miss sitting on the same side of the table in a restaurant. There is no 2 foot wooden barrier keeping us apart. I miss teasing her to the cashier at Kroger and letting them get the tiniest glimpse of how close we are. Staying up late as I don't want to sleep. I don't value sleep when she is here.
I show her off and am so proud of her. She's so beautiful and looks so pretty in anything she wears. I want to hold her hand, and feel it's warmth and tight grip in mine. I want her in my lap, snuggled up so sweetly against me.
I need that touch that says there is no place she would rather be then with me. She is returning to me again. In ten days I will have touch again. I will savor it like a last breath. But I know I will start craving it again in 12.
Fate is cruel at times. I do not know if it is the distance that hurts so much, or the weakness of my need.