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by Angus
Rated: E · Editorial · Comedy · #2160377
Remember when we couldn't move by ourselves and the planet was only two dimensional?




Let’s look at Fluid Motion and how much it has improved our daily lives since the dawn of man, shall we?

Before the Higher Power (henceforth referred to as ‘HP’) even thought of stop motion back in the early cave man days, people had a ridiculously hard time moving around. The earth was just a two dimensional planet back then. Nothing moved without the help of HP. For instance, if the two dimensional caveman was hungry, HP would have to manually pick him up, move him to whatever he wanted to eat, and force the food down the caveman’s throat. Granted there weren’t a lot of cavemen (and cavewomen, before I get accused of being a male chauvinist pig), but it was still quite a chore trying to keep them all fed.

This went on for hundreds, thousands, maybe millions of years (but just a day or two in HP’s realm), until one day in the mid eighteenth century when he had an idea. What if he moved a certain character just a little bit, took a picture of him/her, moved him/her a little bit more, took another picture, and so on and so on? It might be crude, but at least it was something that would imitate movement.

He decided to call this new invention ‘Stop Motion’.

And then HP had an even better idea! What if he gave them the camera? Then they could take their own pictures of themselves to get around! He had second thoughts about this at first though; there was an episode many years earlier about an apple and a couple of characters named Adam and Eve that he wasn’t too happy about (and just try to imagine how he had to do that without stop motion!). But that was water under the bridge now, and if these characters could start evolving on their own, then he might actually be able to get some rest.

It was a little awkward for a few years as everybody took pictures of each other so they could get out of bed, or cross the street on their way to the store, or just going to the john (which wasn’t a very pleasant ‘picture’, if you know what I mean).

But it was kind of funny too. Watching all his creations walking around like that reminded HP of the girl in that video that hadn’t been produced yet, Her Morning Elegance, by Oren Lavie. The only difference was that the video was in color, and his people were still just black and white.

So HP created color.

Things were better, but something still didn’t seem quite right. And that’s when he had an epiphany! What if he made the planet three dimensional? HP snapped his fingers, and with a giant clap of thunder the two dimensional planet popped into a globe, much like the ones we see today in classrooms all around the world, except much larger. And there was even an added reward to this three dimensional world! People could now move around fluidly (fluid motion) instead of that jittery 'staccato' way they’d been doing for so long! They were completely and individually autonomous! No more having to take pictures of each other, no more having to spend all their hard-earned money on film, and best of all…

HP could just sit back now and wait for his blissfully ignorant creations to blow themselves up!

The moral of this story is: A little knowledge can be a very dangerous thing!

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