i’m trying. part 1

i’m trying
i’m taking it day by day
but it’s hard.
more than anything
i want things to be okay.
i want to feel okay.
i shouldn’t have to hurt
         emotionally
         physically
         often at my own hand
to get through the day.
i shouldn’t think of ways to end it all
to pass the time in class
to make the comments easier to deal with
         faggot. tranny. waste of space. burden.
to make the voices quieter.
often times it feels like the only way out.
i need a way out.
“it’s selfish” they say,
“you’re too much of a coward” they say,
“you’ll never actually do it” they say,
and maybe they’re right.
i am a coward
         why else would i still be here?
         i’ve tried but i’m still here
         i must have done something wrong.
but it isn’t selfish.
keeping me here,
unhappy,
more of a danger to myself than anyone else,
leaving me alone to deal with this day by day,
not listening to my cries,
my pleas for help,
now THAT is selfish.
me trying to find a way out,
that is not selfish.
i’m trying
day by day
to deal with it
to stay here for you
but it’s getting hard to see the light again.
but still
i try.

part two is here: https://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/2161250-im-trying-part-2