The things I wish I could say but alas I can not. Focusing on my mental health.
|I don’t know how to explain anything without getting emotional. Because that is how you taught me to be. You taught me to keep how I felt inside and made sure my opinions were never heard. You taught me to be invisible. Each thing you say hurts because you do not understand how things work in my head. I learned the fact that I was worthless. You taught me to be a puppet. I strive to do my best in school. I always have to prove the fact that I am not my sister. And to always make you proud. That’s all I ever wanted. To make my parents happy. But Like always, I failed. I do my best to hid how I feel. But Sometimes it's too much on the inside. I have anxiety. I have Depression. I’ve been suicidal. But all you guys ever see is a lazy piece of shit. That is wrong. I am tired of being called things that you don’t understand. I am not lazy. It’s hard for me to get out of bed. I am not just being sad. My head tells me horrible things. Somedays I just don’t want to move or breathe. I just don’t care to do anything. THAT’S NOT LAZY! Making me feel like I don’t amount to anything only makes it worse. If I get out of bed and do something that is a big step for me. I much rather just sleep and forget the world. This is not something that just gets fixed overnight. It’s a battle that happens everyday. The worst thing is when you try to tell me to be something I am not. I understand you only want the best for me. I really do. But you push your dreams onto me. I don’t want your dreams. If I do anything that isn’t what you dream, you automatically push me down. I want to be happy. It's the only thing I want. To be happy is to follow what I want. And if it doesn’t pan out the way I want it to then its my failure. My life. MY LIFE. I need to make mistakes to grow. It’s the only way for me to live my life. You are so bullhead that you can’t see that you are only hurting me when you don’t listen. ALL I NEED IS YOUR SUPPORT IN MY DREAMS. But you can’t do that. And I can’t say anything without being pushed down and that's why I am emotional. My voice has always been small. That’s why I always liked writing. It’s my escape. That why I stay in my own head. You taught me to fear being wrong.You taught me its your way or no way. I just want to live my own way. Yes, I slack in certain things but it’s my only way to be free from the mental abuse that I’ve lived with my whole life. Mentally I have been dealing with these thoughts for years. And it's not just because I had a demon as a sister. I accept her as a challenge that had to be brought in my life to grow. But what I can not accept any longer is the mental abuse you throw at me. I don’t just think of myself. I think of everyone before myself because they are better than me. I am nothing compare to the grand scheme of things. If I don’t do it, it's because I don't have the energy or power to do anything. I have social anxiety. It's hard to have a conversation with a lot people. I am afraid of messing up, being a failure, and embarrassing myself. You say that you love me but how can you love me when you think I am nothing. I understand that you have given me the best life you could financially but in other aspects it’s been hell. I just sit silently accept the punish words you give out and torture myself with my thoughts. Everything you have ever called me stays with me and I beat myself over it. Yet, You will remain bullhead and ignore me. I am not weak because I am mentally unstable. I’m human and I wish you would respect my mind more.|