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Rated: 18+ · Fiction · Adult · #2161732
Coffee has got to go
Research Paper

Date: 2/19/2040

It had been noted that America was becoming distinctly less kind. A decidedly dangerous place in which to live. Discontent, dis-satisfaction, and a general unhappiness was the rule, and not the exception. We fought and killed over everything. From the definition of marriage to a parking space at the mall, there was nothing too important, or too trivial to keep us from each other’s throats. Mass shootings, gangs, drugs, alcoholism, soaring divorce rates, child abuse etc.

The full extent can be viewed in previous papers on the subject. Ref. 6-24-2018

The conclusion being that something must be done. A change must be made. Something had gone seriously awry. We, as Americans were being destroyed from within.

The President, by Executive order, set the nation’s most prestigious universities, learning institutions, and think tanks, to the task. No longer would they spend their highly-paid tenures pointing out all that was wrong in society. They were now instructed to employ their massive (self-described) intellect to find a solution.

It didn’t go smoothly at first. All the ego-wrangling, political horn-tooting, party brown-nosing, and downright corruption, had to be weeded out first. Basically, the President fired every last one of them, and hired Ms. Agnes Dewpenny’s 5th grade class from Slaty Fork, West Virginia. The children deemed to have more common sense in their pinky toe, than everything that so-called academia could muster, fluster, or bluster.

Now, with some of the best and brightest (relatively speaking) on the job, they began their keen observations. Writing with color crayons on manila paper, charting with dry erase markers and using flannel story boards they came to the inevitable conclusion. Coffee had to go.

It was determined by the students that literally all the nations's ills stemmed from the use, and abuse of the flavorful, drug infused bean.

The President took decisive action, immediately imposing the ban that "made America great again". All imports of coffee were halted. All existing stockpiles of coffee in any form was confiscated and buried in the salt mines of Kansas where the salt would leach in, and destroy it. Those refusing to relinquish, or caught hiding their stores of the devil’s bean, were arrested as enemies of the state, and placed in detention centers built during the Obama years.

List of positive effects of the coffee ban of 2020:

1) The NRA gave up their guns and took up knitting. “Knitting Needles don’t kill people. People kill people.”
2) Las Vegas became a ghost town. Nobody was interested in gambling anymore. “What happens in Vegas…wait…nothing happens in Vegas.”
3) Clothing and Fashion became more formal, and less revealing. Girls became aware of their value apart from their bodies. Boys learned of the mystery, and magic of girls with modesty, virtue, principals, and morality.
4) Parents began shielding their children again, from the ravages of early exposure to sex, violence, and debauchery on TV, video games, and movies.
5) Hollywood caught the fever and began producing movies with family values coupled with warm stories of truth and fidelity. They made billions.
6) Drug exporting countries, and illegal drug producers went broke. America no longer sported the largest appetite for drugs in the world. We no longer needed pot, heroin, cocaine, meth, or ecstasy.
7) Prostitution and pornography ceased.
8) Human trafficking, correspondingly ceased.
9) Child abuse and pedophilia ceased.
10) Greed and extortion ceased.
11) Divorce rates plummeted.
12) Cancer was cured.
13) Hillary was finally prosecuted.

Now if Mrs. Dewpenny’s 5th grade class from Slaty Fork, West Virginia can affect the nation so positively, by simply banning the bean of mass dysfunction. (BMD)

Imagine what could happen if Congress could all show up to work at the same time.

How will civilization continue to progress? We’ll need to ask Ms. Dewpenny’s new class in the Fall. Perhaps we need to ban Potato chips. “nobody can eat just one”.

Senator Justin B. Naysayer III (D) New York's 6th district.

© Copyright 2018 J. Lynn Lindsay (buzzltyr at Writing.Com). All rights reserved.
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