Some thoughts that desperately needed to come out.
|I think I'm just afraid of commitment.
Afraid of commitment but also of hurting others with my actions
And when I meet someone special, I always hold back out of fear that I'll grow tired of the person and I don't want them to go through that. So instead of living for once in my life and making mistakes I don't allow it to go that far.
This is a big reason as to why I'm always lonely. I can see the others, making mistakes hurting but then moving on and growing stronger not despite the pain but thanks to it but I've never allowed myself to do the same.
I know it's not bad to say no, it's not bad to grow tired of someone, these are things that just happen and I know that. However, I also know that that would cause pain the the other one and I can't stand hurting people.
I think I'm the person that would rather live in misery as long as it makes the other happy and that frightens me. I know it's stupid because everyone deserves to be happy including me but I've always been the type of person to put the other in front of me and it's a silly thing to do but I cannot change anything about it.
IIf all the others are happy, then I can look at myself but I have the feeling I never do.
My fear of commitment has a lot to do with that. I take ages to make decisions in a relationship because I'm terrified of meeting someone better and hurting the other with that.
This is the reason why I feel so lonely and yet I can't change who I am or at least, I don't know how to change who I am.
And it hurts like hell.