by mojo jackson
A new take on an old story
THE QUEEN OF SHEBA
The queen of Sheba was pissed; it had been an incredibly crappy few years, starting with her visit (summons) to Jerusalem by King Solomon because apparently she was a sun worshiper (what's wrong with wanting to get a little sun?) & even though before her arrival she sent him "many ships loaded with precious gifts and 6,000 youths of equal size, all born at the same hour (pretty impressive in itself) and clothed in purple garments. They carried a letter declaring that she could arrive in Jerusalem within three years although the journey normally took seven years. But oh no, that's not enough for old King Sol' - no sooner does she arrive & thinking that the glass floor was a pool of water, she lifted the hem of her dress (because who in their right mind has a glass floor?), uncovering her legs which Solomon makes fun of because they're hairy?!?! Hello, eye glasses haven't been invented yet & it's kind of hard to shave your legs at sea (thank goodness she able to maintain her tan) with all the shifting of the tides & windy days. However after this little first impression faux pas the two seemed to hit it off intellectually (finally somebody likes me for my mind, she thought) he even convinced her to convert to Judaism. Before she left, there was a great feast in the king's palace & she spent the night, after Solomon had sworn that he would not do her any harm (after all he had 700 wives and 300 concubines at the time) & for some reason he made her swear not to "steal from him"!?! What th'? She had already given him "precious gifts and 6,000 youths of equal size, all born at the same hour, yada-yada-yada & he's afraid she's a thief - whoa, nice guy. About an hour after falling asleep, she woke up & needed a drink of water as dinner had been a little spicy - probably too much garlic (why do these rubes always use too much garlic?). As she was getting a drink Solomon appeared (where did he come from?)& reminded her of her promise. Wait - what? I'm not stealing anything; all I want is a drink of water!!! Since when is a 'drink of water, stealing'? Sol begins a long winded explination about how precious water is in this part of the world & yada-yada-yada as she begins to rethink this whole Judaism thing. Before she can explain &/or apologize for her ignorance or perhaps, cultural faux pa Sol shakes his head & says "tut-tut, I think we can work this out (wink-wink) if ya know what I mean??" & sadly she did know what he meant. So, for a lousy drink of water caused by his garlicky food she has to put out for this creep!!! "I guess my hairy legs don't bother him as much as they seemed to when he was laughing at me in front of everyone else" she thought. At least he's not gonna say anything to anyone (I would hope) - after all, he's married (& then some) & I sure aint gonna say anything so, a simple middle of the night trip to the bathroom for a drink of water turns into a wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am, without the 'thank you' part.
The next day before she leaves for home Solomon gives her a ring as a token of faith?!? Token of faith, does he think they are now going steady??? With that & a few awkward hugs & air-kisses, she was gone. On her way home (at sea) she discovers that she's pregnant. Well, this is just GREAT she thinks I'll be on this stupid ship throughout this whole pregnancy thing & no Dr, no nurse, not even a goddamn midwife! Fortunately after a relatively uncomplicated pregnancy (& after nine months at sea) she gave birth to a son. She named him "bin al-?ak?m" which meant son of a wise man (more of a" son of a son of a bitch" she muttered) She still had a few more years aboard the ship before she would be home & now she has a new born (unplanned at that) to contend with. After 5 agonizing years (this trip was faster than the norm but still too long) the queen & her son arrive home & it's already time to enrol the kid in school. Taking a day off from her queenly duties(although she had almost a decade's worth of paperwork piled up) she takes the little tyke to school only to find out that she needs his birth certificate in order to enrol him in school. Now she has to ride across town to get that!!! She gets to the Dept of Health office with fifteen minutes till closing & running up to the front counter she tells the clerk (who's sipping a cup of coffee) "I need to get my son's birth certificate". The clerk looks at her & says "you have to get in that line over there, but we're almost closing & I doubt you'll get through the line in time." She sighs & realizing that the clerk is probably right, she goes straight to the front of the line & says to the new clerk (as politely as she can trying to not to take any of her stress out on anybody else) "I hate to take cuts, but I am the queen after all & after the last eight crappy years I've had - I'm getting my son's birth certificate & I'm getting it - NOW!!!" The clerk says' sorry lady, but you gotta wait in line like everybody else." It would turn out to be the last thing he ever said.