Loss in different forms
| Lustful Habits
She remembered the ecstasy. She longed to experience the rolling hills and valleys of the perfect climax again. She had known the bliss of total satisfaction. Sarah sat daydreaming about her old flame. Reminiscent of her old love, she allowed herself only certain days to be carried away by the memories. Today was the second anniversary of her ending of the stagnant affair. It had offered no future and had brought the woman more misery than the lust could conceal.
Sarah sat waiting for the meeting to start. It was the group meeting for the local chapter of Grief Recovery that she attended weekly. It seemed counterproductive to be yearning for a lost love when she was supposed to be focused on moving forward from her loss. She refused to chastise herself for missing a part of her heart. Her pain was real and acknowledging the fact was all part of the recovery process.
One by one, the survivors of loss entered the room. There was a broad spectrum of individuals mulling about and their stories were varied. The losses involved parents, children, brothers, sisters, lovers, and friends. Mingled in their stories were tales of disease, murder, violence, and suicide. Each member carried the stigma of loss, but here in this place, they were reaching out for help. By building a family with this group the world seemed a little less lonely. Sarah loved coming to the meetings. It was her time for restoring her mental health and finding the strength to move on.
"Welcome back everyone, Take your seats and we will get started," said the group leader named Marci. She had lost her young son to leukemia five years earlier. She knew the inner turmoil of everyone in the room.
"I would like to introduce you to a new friend of mine. This is Kara O'Ginnis. She lost her fiance two weeks before their wedding in a carjacking. Jerod saved Kara's life by pushing her out of the way. It has been three long months for Kara and she is ready to take her first step toward recovery."
Standing next to Marci was a slim dark-haired woman with tears in her eyes. She said nothing but her grief permeated the room. She took a seat, mute in her sorrow. Marci said a prayer for souls of the lost and hope for the future for the members of the group.
"Why don't we go around the group and introduce ourselves to Kara. Tell us who you mourn."
Each member claimed ownership of their lost love. As always, Sarah was touched by their mention of the names. For her, it was the roll call of people she had come to know as her family and she loved them all. She could identify every picture held up and could recite every story from memory.
Sarah stood up in front of her chair when it was her turn. "I'm Sarah. Kent Beyers was the love of my life. And he was murdered. It was two years ago today. I am still reeling from the pain," she said.
Because of the connection and similarities, Kara started weeping openly. Marci patted her back and offered comfort. It was a tender moment for all of the grieving. They took time to let the sadness pass before continuing.
Marci suggested they talk about what new steps or progress they had all made in their lives to put the past behind them.
One man, who had lost his partner, talked about his work to raise awareness for breast cancer in men. He was lobbying for insurance companies to pay for the screening of people with family histories, including men whose mother's had breast cancer.
Sarah jumped into the conversation eager to share. "I am spending time letting myself grieve. I blamed myself for so long. I felt so guilty about the fight we had before Kent died. I am working on forgiving myself. He knew that I loved him."
"Sarah, it might help if you tell Kara what happened. You know how you lost Kent."
The group grew silent. They had heard the story but would leave it for Kara to judge its implications.
"Kent was wonderful and such a kind man. He sought to give me everything that I desired. To this day I 'm not sure if I miss him or the many things he gave me. Kent seduced me with his love. He taught me the meaning of lust and how to hunger for the mere touch of goodness. There was magic in the love he provided. Magic that could take you to heaven and back again."
Motionless, the group listened to the intensity of her story reveling in memories of their own. Sarah had a way of gripping people with her enticing voice and sweet smile. Her words invited you into her world with a hypnotizing quality and tone. It made you look past her outward appearance. Overlooked was her four hundred pound girth and the toothless grin of the woman. Any of her flaws were forgotten when she spoke of her loss. The group sat mesmerized.
"Deep rich desire is the gift Kent gave to me. He taught me how to want something so bad that my loins ached. Delayed gratification is truly an art form He was my teacher, my artist, and Romeo of love. With just his words he could describe what was to come and the supple goodness that it would bring. I have never met another man that could supply that feeling of lust.'
"What happened?" Kara couldn't help herself. She had to know.
Sarah smiled at the women eager to make her feel a part of the group.
"It was a Friday night. We had both finished our work week and were excited to spend quality couple time together. We stopped by the store to purchase supplies for a weekend of lovemaking. He kept teasing me about all of the great things we were going to share. Kent was going to surprise me with something new that he thought I might enjoy. He had me in such a frenzy to explore the delicacy, I almost creamed my drawers. My desires were extreme when he went into the store alone. He returned with two large packages, refusing to let me look. I pouted like a child all the way home."
Sarah paused to let her romantic tale of love sink into audience's mind. She could feel the building of their desires. She pictured the lust in their hearts and in their loins. To her, the object of her lust was as real as Kent had been.
"When we got home, we unpacked the car, lit candles, and moved to the bedroom. Kent had been taunting me the whole time. I wanted so badly, the gift he was offering. He kissed me so sweetly at first and then he went to grab the packages leaving me to mull over the kiss. The taste left on my lips was familiar but so new and exciting. It was a dark and smooth sensation that tantalized my taste buds, leaving me to crave more."
Sarah was telling a story but also wanted the group to understand her desires. It would go a long way to their acceptance of her.
"All at once I recognized, my old familiar friend. The taste on my lips from one fine kiss was Hershey's dark chocolate. It was tainted with something different and I fought to determine the savory burst of flavor mixed with my chocolate. I couldn't identify the taste but it left me wanting so much more. Then it dawned on me that Kent had dined on the goodness of the chocolate without me. I was infuriated that he had cheated on me. He had enjoyed the object of our lust without me. "
Sarah paused again wanting the group to know the devastation she felt by Kent's deceit.
"Kent, get in here I screamed. I wanted him to know that I was aware of his deceit. I called him every name in the book and to this day I regret my anger. I could hear him in the other room scurrying about trying to hide the evidence. I went to find him and there on the table were eight Hershey's Chocolate covered raspberries. Four of the original twelve were shoved in Kent's mouth. He was again cheating on me with my one true love, chocolate. In my anger, I roughly shoved two more of the delicacies down his throat I tell you, I didn't know he was choking. I thought he was just savoring the wonderful goodness that is chocolate until he turned the same color of the raspberries he was ingesting. It was too late. They called it murder but I was acquitted. Yet, still, I blame myself for the lust that I allowed to control me. I have not touched another piece of chocolate since that day."
It was a poignant ending to the story as Sarah bowed her head and cried softly.
"I miss the ecstasy of its gooey sweetness. I lost everything that mattered to me that day. The good news is that since I released my hold on chocolate, I have lost ten pounds. Kent had taught me about the wonders of chocolate and I miss him too," Sarah blubbered, remembering the taste of rich milk chocolate. In her hands, clutched close to her heart was the picture of her favorite candy bar.
Word Count 1586