Two friends discover that their differences make them more alike.
It was November 10th, 2018. Fred was sitting in the company cafeteria with his friend, Tiara, discussing the matters of their lives. The pure, white, fluorescent light washed the tables and the trays as they sat there, contemplating the future of the whole entire country.
"I can't believe you voted for that J.B. Pritzker, that Illinois guy," said Tiara. "He wants to put the whole country on welfare!"
"I'm not on welfare, I work," said Fred.
"Well, you won't be for long if Mr. Millennium gets elected," said Tiara.
"What is it that you have against compassion, against caring for the needy? said Fred.
"What you're talking about is just greed, nothing else. People want money that they didn't work for," said Tiara.
"We would be able to work for it, if it weren't for the fat cats hoarding it all," said Fred.
These two friends were different as can be, but they cared enough about each other's opinions to argue it out. Many people couldn't even count on their families for such involvement.
"Besides, didn't he hurt like 50 women?" said Fred.
"That was that Hollywood guy. Remember, that guy who made your favorite movie?" said Tiara.
The country was in a mess. After a well-fought-out campaign, Donald J. Trump and J.B. Pritzker went to the polls. It was an amazing time. People from around the world tuned in, just to see if The Donald would finally get "Fired" in awfully ironic fashion.
"His trade tariffs are destroying America's position overseas," said Fred.
"And yet our stock market is rising, while everyone else's is taking a dive," said Tiara. "Fancy that."
"You know, somebody hurt you before, somebody hurt you real bad," said Fred. "I hope you feel better soon."
"Was that an assault joke?" said Tiara. "Typical liberal. Can't stay clean!"
"Hey, be quiet you two," said Tim, the supervisor. "We've got a special report coming on, listen."
Just then, an old white man came on the TV in the cafeteria. Wearing a dark blue jacket and cyan dress shirt with a blue tie, the anchor had an air of confidence about him, as if he'd been doing this for millennia.
"Why thank you Sally, I hope that kitten finds its mother," said the man on the TV. "Hello, everyone, I'm Fled Topple and I'm reporting to you live from our studios in New York with a special report. Have all the world's nations stopped buying our debt? It's no secret that America owes more than it makes in a year. Apparently, as a result of trade wars, all of the nations of the world of stopped purchasing American bonds. That is correct. America has stopped selling bonds and therefore cannot service its debt with even more debt. Therefore, the nation is bankrupt. Yes, you heard it here first. America is bankrupt. All of our assets now belong to our foreign creditors. The FDIC issued a statement a few seconds ago claiming that it can no longer guarantee any of the $3.5 Trillion in deposits placed with American banks. Economists predict that the unemployment rate for America will exceed ninety percent by the end of the year. Companies have started laying off workers just in the past few minutes as America is saying goodbye to itself. We now bring you to the End of America commissioning ceremony in Cleveland, Ohio. Jensen?"
"What?" said Tiara. "How could they do this? We're the richest, most powerful country in history. Ninety percent unemployment? I think our Special Forces might have something to say about that..."
"Oh, no, my friend," said Fred. "Dropping bombs on babies, 'Murica Style, isn't going to solve our problems this time."
"You know what?" said Tiara. "We wouldn't have had to drop all of those bombs on all of those babies if you liberals would get up and get a job and stop living off the government."
"Are you two finished?" said TIm. "America was one country. We all belonged to the same country, and now it's gone. Whether Democrat, Republican, Green Tea, Constitutional or Libertarian, we all ate from the same stupid trough. We all had the credit cards, the student loans, the mortgages, the car loans, the iPhone loans, the...Everything you could imagine, we had it. And now it's all gone. We can't blame anybody else. I will not accept anymore excuses. We all partook. Half of our citizens were on one welfare program or another. The other half were overleveraged in other ways. We all did this together. And now we can enjoy the benefits of our leisure."
That diatribe hit them both square in the head. They had never been able to see through the rhetoric, the cult of personality, until this moment. This was the time when everything came together. It all made sense. All of those credit cards. All of those...gadgets. The only thing those gadgets were good for was helping you buy more gadgets, or helping you apply for loans. All of their power was sapped. They were the paper tiger of antiquity.
"Tiara," said Fred. "If we have no country, who will persecute the MeToo perpetrators?"
"They were mostly li - I don't know" said Tiara, starting to say that most of the perpetrators were liberals anyway.
"What are we going to do?" said Fred.
"I guess that you and I should write the next constitution," said Tiara. "We've still got fifteen minutes before break's over."
"No, we've had to lay you off," said Tim. "Take all the time you need."
"Uh, so, what should we include in the constitution?" said Fred.
"Let's call it 'The Commandments of the Free World," said Tiara.
"Uh, okay. What are they?" said Fred.
"Well number one," said Tiara. " No Grandstanding. Number two, no accusing somebody else of something that you're doing too. Number three, no economic slavery, four..."