by S. E. Mabson
This may have been written for a contest, but it came from a very deep place in my heart.
|Masterpiece by S.E. Mabson
Word Count: 1315
Contest: Jesus Praise
Prompt: (Music Video) Monster by Skillet.
I was standing in front of my body mirror, completely unclothed. I was just standing there grimacing at the disfigured body I saw. Every part of my body had succumbed to my criticism. I tried to give myself a compliment on each body part, nevertheless, I didn’t make it up past my toes. Even when I skipped around I found no place to rest a compliment. Mentally, physically, financially, emotionally-nothing. So, I just stood there...grimacing...at the disfigured body I saw. I looked over at the razor blade on my night stand, that releases my pent-up self-hatred. That is the secret side of me, I never let anyone see. And even though I keep it caged, I can't control it. It always breaks loose and tears me up inside. I hold the blade in my hand waiting for something to stop me.
I felt like I was standing in a dark room. I felt confusion hovering over me, like eyes were circling me; surrounding me. Their whispers were taunting me. My thoughts rebelled against me, intensifying to torment me. Every casualty, every deficiency, every adversity, every lapse in judgement flashed before me, darting to the next memory in the slide-show.
My heart was beating like a drum, amplifying through my body, as if putting on a concert for the VIP- the organs. The bass in each thump is so strong my body tremors, my eyes became blurry, my head vibrates so quickly thoughts mesh together and focus fades. My lungs were beating in a cadence that was waning in strength. I am now seemingly weightless, nothing in theory. The conductor of this horror concert is alien here. A distorted figure that was distorting my mirrors. It does not belong. I know it doesn’t belong, but I don’t say anything. I allowed him to take residence in my head space. I allowed this monster molded from the negative thoughts my self doubt created to bring his family and friends to enjoy the horror show at my expense.
After awhile it becomes comfortable, this virtual plague, I mean. I promote new episodes to continue the series, and criticize myself deeper. I put myself on trial daily, there is never an acquittal. I always sentence death penalty, and I was the executioner. I could never finish the job though. I was like a bird with clipped wings longing to be in the sky, and friends with the clouds and tree tops; but I was trapped waddling amongst the dirt.
I was like a ship with no sail that was floating directionless so long I lost purpose. I was just drifting, as storm waves crashed in. I throw out an anchor; a plea to God. I am now overboard-drowning. I am Jonah sitting in the belly of a fish contemplating death or life. The controversy was overwhelming. I wanted to live but I felt that I deserved to die. Suddenly, a light appeared to me through the dark space I had created and hope entered.
It was then I saw something appear behind me. A man. I jumped and attempted to cover myself, but the man quickly replied: “Do not fear, for I created you.” I was frozen with my hands covering my private areas, back against the wall, staring at this man standing in front of me. He reached out for my hand. I hesitated, yet I couldn’t resist. I felt drawn to him. I allowed my vulnerability to show, as I reached for his hand. Although, the fear was still resonating with me, my racing heartbeat was no longer pounding, echoing through my body. I was surprisingly, instantly relaxed when my hand embraced his.
He pulled me in front of him and positioned me back in front of the mirror. He took his eyes in his hands and placed them in mine. He calmly persuaded me to use them to look again. When I looked at my reflection this time there was no grimace on my face. There was no disfigured body. There was no urge to criticize. Instead I, smiled. The body glaring back at me was beautiful. It was a wonderful masterpiece, with heavenly craftsmanship. Every part of this body was glowing, shimmering even. It was as if this vision of beauty was a statue molded from precious jewels, that belonged in a museum or treasure room. At the same time, though, it was strange. The body in the mirror looked just like mine.
So, I questioned him. “What kind of illusion is this? Really, whose body is this? My body is no magnificent work of art, this must be some sort of magic trick. What is really going on?” He chuckled and assured me, although, I was examining my body through his eyes, I was in fact looking at my own reflection.
He tells me “When I look at you, I see you as beautiful, even when you don’t. No matter what mutilation you self-inflict, mental or physical, you are still beautiful. I crafted you with unconditional love that now flows through your veins through my son Jesus Christ. From your hands to your heart, from your heart to your brain, from your brain to you heart, from your heart to your toes it flows. I blow the air streams into your nostrils, it is my breath that fills your lungs. I molded you from the dirt of this earth, not to see yourself as filth, but to be a garden of growth. A garden that produces great fruits from the gifts I implanted into you. You are my creation, a jewel, a masterpiece sculpted by my hands, the hands of God. How do you not yet see that?”
I stood speechless in amazement. I had never felt more beautiful, let alone loved. God wrapped me in his arms like a mother holding her child for the first time. It was a hug full of love and restoration. It was a hug from my God the redeemer and my comfort.
I finally let it all go.
I have swept the negative thoughts and dusted the painful reminders, trashed the past, and organized scriptures of love from my Heavenly father in a file in the deepest parts of my heart. We exchanged eyes and returned my gaze back to my body. It was still a beautiful heavenly sight, even through my own eyes. For the first time in my life, I smiled with grateful and satisfied lips, at my own reflection. I blinked, and that fast I was in my bed in my pajamas, sun blazing in my face through my bedroom window. I quickly jumped out of my bed, unclothed myself and stood in front of the mirror. I was still as beautiful as I was in my dream.
“Thank you for sharing your story with us Karen. I am sure all the watery eyes in the room have already told you, but you have truly touched our hearts. You reminded us that we are all special the way God created us.” Jenny, the group leader, wiped her eyes while passing the tissue box as she spoke.
“Ladies being in this group has been great. I know it may sound crazy, but I am grateful that I used that blade that night and passed out, although I am still unsure who nursed me or how long I was out for. It doesn't seem to matter much anymore." I looked at the scars on my wrists and smiled. "Jonah was eaten by a giant fish before he came to himself. The prodigal son was wallowing with the pigs. I am glad to be among the great people God chased after. I needed to feel his love, and it took a little mini coma for me to finally receive the love he was offering since before I was born. For that I will be forever grateful.”