I wrote this years ago and wanted to share it, please feel free to give some advice.
|In fond memory of Emilio, may he rest in peace
Dedicated to Josh and Tyler
When I was younger, there were times where I would be so happy that I couldn’t realize that bad things happened in the world. I would be so confused when people would be mad at me just because of that and I felt that if I could be the one to make them happy, then they would eventually stop hurting on the inside. It never worked. I can say that without a doubt in my mind and confidence in my voice. I was always the one to be left behind by the cruel world and all of the awful people that lived in it. I walked along the road, my shoes covered with snow and slush, as the sun glinted against the white powder surrounding me. I stopped for a second for no reason at all in front of a beautiful blue two story house and just studied it as the sunlight made the windows sparkle and the icicles hanging from the roof shimmer. I sighed, watching my breath fog up the air like smoke coming from a midnight fire and I started to walk yet again. School had just ended for the day and I knew that I would have to go back tomorrow, but it was normal for me to just forget everything that had to do with that horrendous place for the rest of the day. When I got to the house I wanted, I clomped through the snow filled yard to the front door that I opened without having to use a key. “I’m home! Mia! Carren!” Loud thumping echoed throughout the house as two young children charged down the stairs. I brushed all of the wet flakes of white off of my pants and jacket as a girl and a boy, both around the age of seven, came running around the corner covered in thin blankets with red, runny noses and puffy eyes.
They both tackled me to the ground as I pushed the door closed and I smiled as the two sick kids sneezed and yelled. “Uncle James! You’re home!” “Yeah! Ahtzoo~ I didn’t want you to go!” “Ahtzoo~ I’m hungry Uncle James!” “Yeah! We’re hungry!” Mia and Carren stayed home sick from school since they had caught a cold, but running outside without anything but normal clothes on after the first snow of the season would do that to you. As their guardian, I kept them home so they didn’t get anyone in their class sick. The twins weren't really related to me, but I had never told them that, I had just taken them in and cared for them for years so that they would have a chance to live a better life than the one they were given.
I got up from the tangle of limbs and gestured for the two kids to follow me as I gingerly stepped around a hole in the floor that had been there for weeks. I walked into the small kitchen and slipped around the even smaller table to get to the stove. The stove was honestly just a small portable gas stove that was placed on the old, beat up counter, but the kids didn’t know the difference so it didn’t really bother them. I opened the cupboard above me and I grabbed out one of the only two pots we had and I placed it on the stove as I opened the next cupboard and pulled out a can of chicken noodle soup. I stood there, watching the soup as the twins bounced around the kitchen, grabbing bowls and spoons. I smiled kindly as they set everything on the table and then my smile dropped a bit when I noticed that they had gotten out three bowls. There wasn’t enough soup for three people. “Hey.” Mia and Carren looked at me at the exact same time and I smiled softly again. “I’m not hungry. Do you think that you can finish all of this by yourselves?” They lit up and nodded enthusiastically as they put away the third bowl. The soup finished an I poured it evenly between the two bowls on the table that were left and once it was cool enough, I let them start eating it. They gulped it down ravenously as I walked out of the kitchen and up the stairs to the bedrooms. There was a small bedroom for the two kids to share and then one even smaller for me to sleep in. There was a single, shabby bathroom in between the rooms for all of us to use, and then there was a closet that we put all of our summer clothing in when it became winter and vise versa. I walked into my room, dropped my school bag, and sat down on the mattress laid out onto the floor and stared up at the ceiling. I had nowhere to put the clothing that I wasn’t wearing so I had ended up taking some rope and hanging everything on the rope that I had tied up on the ceiling. I got up, not having taken my coat off from outside, and I walked back downstairs, having nothing better to do. I didn’t get any homework today and for some reason, every job that I had didn’t need me today so I had off. I came back downstairs just as Mia and Carren were putting away their washed and dried bowls. “Hey guys.” They both smiled at me and I felt bad leaving them alone again, but I felt like I had to. “I’m going to go for a walk so behave yourselves and stay out of trouble. If you don’t feel good, grab the blanket from my bed and take a nap.”
“Aww. Do you Ahtzoo~ have to?” I nodded and went over to give them a hug.
“Don’t worry. I’ll be back by tonight alright?” The two children whined and protested, but I just tousled their hair and said goodbye. I walked out the door and just started walking where I usually went. I walked for a while until I got to one of those playgrounds in the middle of a park and as I walked down the road, I could see that someone was sitting where I usually sat on the swings. I got closer and saw a girl with long blonde hair and blue eyes staring up at the sky. I watched as she slowly got off of the swings, still looking up to the sky, and walked a little way to the untouched snow. She looked down and scooped some up with her gloved hands and then whipped it into the air extremely fast. I watched, mesmerised, as she took a deep breath and sung a pure and clear tune into the sky as the flakes of snow danced around her in a flurry of white. My eyes widened as she twirled and spun, still carrying on that same beautiful tune and her hair flowed around her face and neck. Her hat came off and she turned sharply to catch it, cutting off her song, and missing the hat completely, she lost her balance and fell face first into the two inches of fluffy snow underneath her. I couldn’t help but to laugh and the second she heard me, she sprung up into a sitting position. My laugh died out and I smiled at her sweetly as I saw the snowflakes stuck to her hair and eyelashes that looked like magic condensed into a shape made just for her.
“Who are you?” Her voice had a type of ring to it that echoed through my head and felt like I wanted to hear her sing again.
“Isn’t it polite to give your name first?” I smiled at her, trying not to say something stupid, but already feeling as if I had failed in that aspect.
“My name is Faye. Faye Believer. Now, who are you?” I was stunned. It was exactly the name I would expect from someone so beautiful. “Your name?” She repeated.
I snapped out of my shock and quickly replied, “My name is James Joseph. It’s nice to meet you Ms. Believer.” I stuck out my hand in a sign of good nature but she ignored it, lost in thought.
“James Joseph sounds like some sort of super hero’s name.” She looked up at me and smiled from ear to ear, “From now on, you are James Joseph, my personal super hero!” I looked at her in disbelief and put my hand down, confused, but smiling because it seemed as if her happiness was contagious.
I laughed out loud and she looked at me with a frown. I quickly tried to stop laughing, but it was hard, so I made up an excuse quickly so that she didn’t end up hating me. “I’m not laughing at you! I just think it’s sort of funny that you think I’m a hero. I-I guess I’m not used to people thinking that I’m all that great.” I quickly finished my sentence, my laughing dying out eventually as I realized the reality of that statement. I was hated the whole first half of my life by my parents and I paid for it every day through pain. Ever since I had gotten away from them, I’ve had to take care of myself and when I was about ten, I found Mia and Carren in a cardboard box at this very park and then I took care of them too, so it’s not like I’ve been very social my whole life since I was always so busy.
Faye must have seen my face when I was thinking about it because I think she picked up on something. “Hey, are you alright James?”
I shook my head and quickly covered that moment up by forcing a smile and I just replied with, “Why wouldn’t it be? I’m fine. It’s a nice day and everything.” I smiled and turned away as not to let her see my face fall in the realization that I was always too busy with work and the twins to do anything other than go to school. I didn’t want Faye to see me like this, and even though we only just met, I felt as if I had known her my whole life. For some mysterious reason, I couldn’t bear for her to see me in pain, because somehow I knew that if she saw me like this, she would try to take on some of the burden and I wouldn’t be able to stand it. “I have to go. I’ll see you later I guess.” I started to walk away, a little surprised at how fast the mood of the conversation went downhill. I jumped as a hand lightly touched my shoulder, but when I turned around, it was Faye. She had followed me and I knew in a split second that she had a decent idea of what I was feeling. I mumbled a quick ‘thanks’ as I smiled lightly, the corners barley coming out of their frown.
We walked through the snow for a while until it turned red with the light of the sun going down, then I grabbed Faye’s gloved hand in mine. She didn’t pull away, but instead she came closer to me and when I looked over to her, she was smiling at me. I could feel my heart well up with love and I knew that she felt that small little flame in her chest well up, just like mine. We walked hand in hand until it became dark, completely content to just be in each other's company, as the stars came out. I looked around and recognised the place we had reached as the school’s football field and then I had the greatest idea. I found myself humming the tune that Faye had been singing earlier as I pulled her along, getting closer and closer to the field. We reached the gate and spotted the field in its pristine whiteness, glowing in the moonlight. I heard Faye gasp behind me, and I just smiled at her, silent. I took her over to the side, underneath the bleachers where I found what I was looking for. I got onto my hands and knees and squeezed under the low part of the bleachers into the hole in the fence that let onto the field. “Come on. I have to do something with you.” I urged her on as I was eager to show her my favorite thing to do on winter nights when nobody had used the field. Faye crawled through and stood up, standing there with me as we were in awe of our immense, glowing, blank canvas that we could do whatever we wanted with. I had done this after every snowfall for the past three years as long as no one had used the field before me and whenever I went to school the next day, the whole school’s favorite thing to talk about was the newest drawing on the snow field. I grabbed Faye’s hand again and started humming her tune as I pulled her across the field right into the middle of it.
I gently placed her in the right spot and she asked, “James, what are you even doing?” I just shook my head and motioned for her to lay down. She did and I smiled again, glad to have someone to finally do this with. I looked out at the space I had to work with and closed my eyes, envisioning what I was going to do. I opened my eyes and I laid down next to Faye. “What are you going to do?” Faye laughed and I stopped humming to laugh with her, delighted to have opportunities to become closer.
“I’m going to make something beautiful.” Before she could answer or say anything at all, I rolled away and she laughed that marvelous laugh again. I rolled around a bit, doing exactly what I had imagined and then I got up and ran a short way. I jumped around and sprinted places and then sometimes I would get into the small details and bend down. I placed my feet in specific places as not to ruin the art in the snow and I made my way back to Faye,
“James!” I smiled at her and she laughed the same laugh that I loved. “What is it?”
I chuckled and then grabbed her hands and pulled her up. “Why don’t you see for yourself?” I turned her around and she gasped. There was the outline of a body about ten feet tall and coming out of it were vines in every direction. There were large vines, small vines, leafy vines, bare vines, but the thing that they all had in common was that they all ended to spell out in giant, exotic letters that covered over half of the field, Ms. Believer. There were flowers, vines, and many other shapes filling the field, but there was still a lot of space left and the last part would be finished with Faye’s help. “I have drawn something on this field every time the snow has fallen for the past three years and this is the first time I have shared it with anyone.” I looked at Faye and I could see awe and reverence in her eyes as she looked over the field. “There’s just one problem I come across every time.” She looked at me expectantly and then back to the field then back at me. “That one problem is that I never fill the whole field on the first try. I was wondering if you would fly with me?” Faye nodded with tears in her eyes, obviously understanding what it meant, and she grabbed my hand.
For the next half an hour, Faye and I made snow angels on the rest of the whole field together, talking about anything we wanted. I got to know her better in those seven hours after school then I had about Mia and Carren in seven years and I knew for a fact that I was in love with her, no doubt about it. We walked out of the field with our hands interlocked and when we climbed under the fence, our hands found each other’s right away when we got out. It was almost midnight as we walked down the road hand in hand, and I couldn’t be more happy as I could feel her warmth through her glove in difference with the freezing winter around us. We walked up to a beautiful blue house with icicles hanging off of the roof and I recognized as the one I had stopped in front of earlier in the day. We walked up the steps to the door and I grasped her hands in mine, not wanting to let her go, but eventually having to. I looked into her blue eyes and I brushed her blonde hair away from her face as I smiled. I wrapped her up into a gentle hug and whispered into her ear, “You are so beautiful.”
Faye pushed out of the hug and shook her head. “No I’m not. I’m stupid and fat and I look ugly.” I was about to smile at her joke when I saw in her eyes that she was completely serious.
“Faye. Stop telling yourself that. It’s not true at all. You are smart, funny, beautiful, and everything about you I absolutely love.” I cupped her face in my hands and she placed her hands on my wrists and looked away.
“James. Don’t lie to me. Nobody loves me and I know it’s true. I’m so repulsive that nobody even dares to touch me anymore and I can’t deal with you lying to me about it too.” She took my hands off of her face and I let them fall to my sides, stunned,
“I just touched you!” I was trying my hardest to convince her of what I could see, but she couldn’t. “I love you! I love your smile, your laugh, the way you talk, the way you walk, I love your hair, your eyes, your mouth, your nose, your hands, your voice, Faye, I love you.” Her eyes filled up with tears every time I said something until they were spilling over her cheeks onto the cement. I held her shaking shoulders, pulling her into a hug, as she sobbed into my chest and I held her as she calmed down. “Faye, you are the most beautiful thing that I have ever seen and I love you. I’m here if you need to talk about anything and I know that something is hurting you. Faye, holding this inside is like snow on the road, you can’t tell if it’s dangerous until you drive over it and when it’s uncovered, it’s too late to be saved. I want to save you, I want to be James Joseph, your own personal super hero.” She stared into my eyes for a second longer and then broke away and headed into the house.
I was stunned at how the night had ended so abruptly and I stood on Faye’s doorstep for a solid minute, the magic suddenly gone. The silence was deafening in my ears and I couldn’t stand it. I turned and walked away, the winter that had been filled with wonder moments earlier, now dead. My eyes started to fill with tears as I walked and before I knew what was happening, rivulets of water poured over my cheeks onto the front of my jacket and I was sprinting away from that house as fast as possible. My feet slapped the slippery pavement in rhythm to the beating of my heart as my nose started running from the cold and tears. I felt my heart break in half and my hands that had been warm the whole night turn cold. My heart froze up and I remembered back in a time that I cared about everyone and I would do anything to make someone happy, but now that time is gone for good because the older you get, the colder your heart becomes. I slowed to a walk as I got to my house and even though my heart had been reduced to ice and stone, I wanted another chance, so I slowed down on the way to the door, searching desperately for some sort of sign to tell me what to do. I reached the door and gave up, pushing it open and walking in. I saw Carren and Mia, asleep at the kitchen table, waiting for me and my heart melted a bit. I picked both of them up at the same time and carried them upstairs into their bedroom, tucking them into bed. I then walked into my room and fell into my bed, crying myself to sleep.
It has been a month since that night and I have a plan. The Christmas dance is coming up soon and I can’t wait. I had only seen Faye a couple times since then in school, (The night we had spent together was the night before her first day in my school.) and I was getting used to being completely alone again. I had magically gained a guitar that the band teacher was going to throw out and I went over everything I had learned in the lessons when I was seven and eight. It was hard in the beginning since I wasn’t used to it anymore, but I got the hang of it in no time at all. I practiced the one song I knew on the guitar over and over again and practiced at every possible chance. I played it at work for the customers that complimented me and said they would come back tomorrow, so I got a raise as a bonus for practicing, I played it in front of Mia and Carren time and time again until they couldn’t stand it anymore, and I played it whenever I had a study hall in school.
Soon enough, the dance rolled around and I got ready. I borrowed a suit from one of the teachers since I couldn’t buy one, I polished my guitar, and practiced one last time. I walked into the gym where music with pulsing beats surged through the air and colored lights flashed, and suddenly, I wasn’t very confident anymore. I ran to the bathroom and threw up, the stress finally getting to me. I shook my head a couple times and started to hum Faye’s song, the sound echoing through the bathroom and calming me. I walked out just as they were beginning the announcements. There would be bands playing on the stage and there were some that I was surprised that this small school was able to hire for the night. I walked around for a while, looking for Faye, and I eventually found her talking to some girls. She was wearing a tight fitting floor length red dress with long sleeves and no back, so obviously I was surprised enough to blush. I didn’t approach her, but I could tell that she was more beautiful that ever and I felt all of my courage return. I was doing all of this for her and I couldn’t back down. Eventually the night ended and all of the lights turned back on, but that was all part of my big plan. I moved my way to the stage and put my foot on the first step, and when I did, all of the lights turned off. As all of the crowd was panicking I thanked all of the teachers that had helped me set this up silently and I got the microphone to the lone chair in the middle of the stage. I flashed a small light when I was ready and put it in my pocket, only a moment later, a spotlight switched on the stage where I was sitting. I heard the whole gym hush and I looked out into the slightly visible crowd. I found who I was looking for and locked eyes with her, smiled, took a deep breath, and started to play Faye’s song on the guitar. Then I started to sing the lyrics I had added to it.
I sang the first line and Faye gasped, recognising the song she had been singing without the lyrics. “Oh, Ms. Believer,
My pretty sleeper.
Your twisted mind is like snow on the road.
Your shaking shoulders prove that it's colder
Inside your head than the winter of dead.
I will tell you,
I love you
But the muffs on your ears,
Will cater your fears.
My nose and feet are running as we start
To travel through snow,
Together we go. Together we go.” I stopped singing, but kept on playing, and when I looked up, Faye had her hands over her mouth and tears were slipping from her eyes, so I continued.
“We get colder as we grow older.
We will walk so much slower.”
I sang for everything I loved and everything I lost, but mostly, I sang of the person I had loved most,so I sang my heart and soul out into the last part of the song I had written for her. “Oh, Ms Believer, my pretty weeper,
Your twisted thoughts are like snow on the rooftops
Please, take my hand, we're in foreign land
As we travel through snow,
Together we go. Together we go”
I slowly ended the song with, “We get colder as we grow older
We will walk so much slower.” Everyone clapped and cheered as Faye ran up onto the stage and jumped into my arms and in that second, I knew that I would love this girl for the rest of my life.
The song Oh Ms. Believer belongs to Twenty One Pilots. I was just inspired by the song to write something that I felt suited the song to some degree. I feel as if this might inspire others as well.