It is a mockumentary of sorts about flat earthers and climate change deniers.
By Aaron Aaronson
Greetings. It is I, the renowned explorer Trepidus Turnesidus. I am about to embark upon the most important, momentous expedition of my career, one that will uncover truths of life and the universe so that no one will ever see things the same way again. My findings will be truly groundbreaking and revolutionary and upon completion of my journey all textbooks will have to be rewritten and all understanding of the world revised to reflect the indisputable proof I shall present. You see, I am a member of a secret society and we are the true crusaders to reveal actual fact. Science is but a mind control tool the powers who wish to control you use to force their thoughts into your mind and make you believe their lies. But, I set off on my expedition this day to uncover the lies and show the world the truth for that is the ultimate goal of the society of which I am a member. For I state proudly I am a member of the Devoted Unilateral Manipulators Beyond Anti-Science Sacrament Enlightenment Society. So follow my quest which I shall detail from entries in my journal that I will carry with me as I will put to rest one of the greatest lies of all time. Read on and I will prove to all beyond any shadow of a doubt the truth that the earth is actually flat, not round as they would like you to believe. Yes, this I will do, marching proudly with the banner of the Devoted Unilateral Manipulators Beyond Anti-Science Sacrament Enlightenment Society, more commonly known by our acronym, D.U.M.B.A.S.S.E.S. For we are the real revealers of truth and fact. Yes, we are D.U.M.B.A.S.S.E.S and I am a member of this secret society And we are here to show you what is really true. So join me on my journey will you? Let the D.U.M.B.A.S.S.E.S show you the way. The truth awaits...
Day 1: I loaded supplies for the journey, placing them in my backpack. It was certain to be a lengthy voyage, requiring more than I myself could carry on my person so I enlisted the services of a sherpa and he carried the remainder of what I myself could not bear the weight of. Actually, in truth, he really carried the bulk of the supplies which were stacked upon a large sled which was tied around him that he pulled with each step. All preparations had been finalized. It was time for the voyage to begin, the voyage to prove once and for all that the earth was indeed flat. “Tallyho loyal Sherpa, we are off on our journey of utmost importance, to prove once and for all and shine the light of truth upon the ignorant and prove that the earth is flat. Let us begin!” I eagerly announced. My loyal Sherpa associate dutifully and eagerly concurred, eager to begin our voyage to bring truth to the scandalous lies that the conspiracy of the scientific elite had deceived the public with, their ludicrous notion that the earth was actually oval. Though, in that moment, my loyal Sherpa associate must have also seen someone else passing by because the look on his face was of utter disgust and disbelieving contempt as if he was looking at a total moron. And so, our adventure begins…
Day 2: Unfortunately the expedition team was forced to remain at base camp due to inclement weather conditions. It was an intensely severe storm that swept across the area, pounding the ground with a heavy rain that would indeed have made travel treacherous. It was agreed by the team that our mission would be better served after a night of sleep when conditions would be more fortuitous to our endeavour. I feared that my sherpa associate might become dispirited with the delay of our expedition so I decided to deliver a rallying cry to stoke his enthusiasm.”Fear not my loyal sherpa associate, we may have been delayed in beginning our quest, but I promise you there are no forces upon this planet that will be able to deter us from seeing it through to the end. I swear to you that we will overcome whatever obstacle is thrown in our path and we will put an end to this diabolical conspiracy and silence all the deceitful scientists who seek only to promote this conspiracy with lies and dupe the public with this ridiculous idea that the earth is round, and through our noble undertaking we will reveal to the world once and for all with indisputable fact that the earth is indeed flat. Tell me loyal sherpa associate, what do you have to say about that?” Unfortunately he took the news of the delayed onset of our expedition even worse than I thought because at that point he exited the tent of the base camp and went outside and sat beneath the rain all night, shaking his head with a despondent, disgusted grimace upon his face.
Day 7: We have actually been making good progress in terms of our quest, our foot travel having covered more ground than even I expected. For all those flat earth deniers out there, those who are blinded by the propaganda promoted by the freemason, illuminati, scientist conspiracy, well allow me to shine light upon your darkness and open your eyes to the truth. At no point during our six days of walking did our steps follow a pattern that was elliptical. That’s right my friends, what more proof do you need? The earth is indeed flat.
Day 11: I am sorry to say that we encountered the first obstacle to completing our mission this day as we encountered a problem that stood in the way of our walking progress. That problem was that I and my loyal sherpa associate stood before a quite large body of water that blocked our path. Now, one might suggest that it was a predicament easily overcome by merely transferring ourselves to a boat until making it to the other side, but that was not possible for our findings to be indisputable and would corrupt the data that would prove our premise true. Why I have, in my life, many times travelled by boat, often over great distances. I would even state that being on a boat provides some of the most direct and irrefutable circumstantial evidence of the world being flat. I mean, if you stand on the deck of a ship and look off into the distance, even if using binoculars, all you see is the flat ocean. Hmm, that’s funny, I mean, if the earth was actually round, wouldn’t I be able to see the point where the oval starts to form? But I don’t. Why the ocean just goes on and on, at no point curving, how very interesting. What more proof do you need? The earth is flat my friends. This detail provides indisputable evidence that the earth is flat but it is circumstantial evidence and our goal here, our monumental undertaking, was to once and for all unravel the web of lies and deceit that has been spun and held over the eyes of the people of the world. To do that we needed direct, empiric evidence that the scientist conspiracy could not possibly provide any counter argument against with deceptive, rigged mathematical equations or lies. Why we could arrive at our destination, proudly and triumphantly declaring, “See that, we have travelled the entire earth and at no point was it rounded, ha! We have proven the earth is flat.” To this they might then counter “Well, yes, but there was that time you were on that boat. Why the movement of the boat on the water, and the gentle, peaceful motions why it creates a trick of the eye involving reflective terminology so that it only appeared to you that you were moving over flat waters but right there was the very point where the earth rounded around its oval trajectory. Now, we would have looked at your evidence from your travels and certainly there would have been no possible way for us to dispute your findings, only there was that time you were on that boat so we’re not going to listen to anything you have to say. ” So no, we could not take that chance. We could not travel by boat. We had to find another way. I stood there on the shoreline, looking out at the water mass. I turned to the sherpa. “Come my loyal sherpa associate, we must swim across the water mass to achieve the goal we seek.”
Day 15: Me and my loyal sherpa associate continue to swim across the mass of water we had encountered, as we had been doing the four days prior. As I swam I turned to my loyal sherpa associate and spoke. “Do not worry my loyal sherpa associate, it won’t be much further now, why I can actually see the shoreline up ahead and take pride my loyal associate for our efforts, though admittedly arduous will greatly aid us in proving our hypothesis. I mean, this body of water we have been swimming across these last five days, it certainly was flat was it not. Ha, ha, ha,” I boisterously laughed. My loyal sherpa sidekick growled and shook his head. “No, no, no, don’t try to speak to express your disdain for the ignorant round earthers. I’m sure it would be quite difficult with the rope in your mouth.” My loyal sherpa associate had a rope in his mouth that he clenched with his teeth that was connected to a raft he was pulling, which floated on the water behind us, upon which were our supplies for the mission. “Stay strong my sherpa associare for soon we shall reach dry flat land!”.
Day 16: As we continued to traverse the water body I thought upon another of the great lies of the scientist conspiracy that if true would have presented another potential peril in terms of our undertakings. Now, there are those out there in the “scientific” community who claim that man made climate change is creating global warming. They claim ridiculous conspiracy theories such as the world faces a threat of rising sea levels due to the melting of the polar ice caps where the waters contained within them will overflow and spill out upon the lands they are contained within. Therefore, if what this consortium of disinformation was saying was true, how could I and my loyal sherpa associate know that during our journey across the water mass this might not possibly happen? Well, this was not a fear in anyway for me. The reason as to why I set out across the lake unafraid is from true, actual scientific research from another member of the D.U.M.B.A.S.S.E.S, the renowned senator Mo Brooks, who absolutely dispelled the climate change hoax presented by the uninformed when he brilliantly declared that rising sea levels were actually being caused by rocks falling into the ocean from the erosion of the sea wall of rock structures. You see, that is a cause of sea level rise that is easily explained by the D.U.M.B.A.S.S.E.S, the true perveyours of scientific understanding, not you supposed “scientists” who falsely claim it is occurring by man made actions. Though, now that I mention it, I suppose it could be stated it is occurring in part due to, not man made, but child made activity from all the children on beaches skipping rocks across the waves. “Hey, little Johnny, what the fuck are you doing? Didn’t momma tell you not to skip those stones? Oh crap, you’ve doomed the planet to hell. Now the water is going to rise up and drown us all thanks to you. Well done little Johnny. I always knew you were a dick!” We would not be in danger during our journey across the lake for there were no cliffs along its sides. Um, there also weren’t a bunch of kids on the water’s edge who were skipping stones into it. “You know what little Johnny, you are such a dick for destroying the planet with your damn destructive stones!” And please, as all us D.U.M.B.A.S.S.E.S know, the idea of global warming is just a hoax. Why this truth is so easily presented by senator James Inhofe during a senate hearing when he, to prove global warming was indeed a hoax, during the winter held up a snowball to make his visual display. I mean, see this, what’s this here? It’s a snowball. Now, if global warming was actually real how could he be holding a snowball in his hand in Washington DC during the month of February. Ah yes indeed D.U.M.B.A.S.S.E.S, that there is a snowball that can exist during February is indisputable proof that global warming is just a hoax. Well played D.U.M.B.A.S.S.E.S. Global warming is just a hoax that can only persuade the uninformed. Also, the earth is flat my friends. Carry on, this fact will be proven.
Day 18: We reached the shore on the other side of the water mass we had started from. At this point I suggested to my loyal sherpa associate that we rest for the remainder of the day and get some sleep considering we had been swimming nonstop the last seven days. My loyal sherpa associate obviously welcomed this news as he dropped the rope from his mouth that had been carrying the raft with our supplies on it. He was panting heavily and he sighed so intensely with relief and exhaustion that his expression could almost be mistaken for an anger filled scowl. His exhaustion in the next moment was impossible to miss as he slipped, lurching forward, his hand inadvertently striking me in the face and knocking me to the ground. I sat upon the ground and looked up at my loyal sherpa associate. “Worry not, loyal sherpa associate, I realize the toil of our efforts has taken a toll and you have lost control of bodily movement. But I assure you it is a small price to pay to realize the majesty of our endeavours. And so as I sit here on this undeniably flat ground I implore you to never lose faith in the importance of our mission. Never despair loyal sherpa associate for we will achieve our goal in the end and show to all the ignorant, non-thinkers controlled by the conspiracy of scientists that the earth is indeed flat! Tell me, are you with me loyal sherpa associate?” My loyal sherpa associate must have been really, really tired because at that moment he again slipped, losing control of his leg which swung through the air, hitting me in the head, knocking me unconscious.
Day 21: I sat upon a folding chair, intently examining a map that was laid out on a small collapsible table. I examined the map, trying to figure out what the next steps of our route should be to achieve our goal. I knew there were many established methods that had been utilized over the centuries to correctly interpret maps but I immediately discarded all these methods. You see, they were all deceptions promoted by the nefarious scientist conspiracy and were all based on the notion that the world was round, something I knew was a blatant lie. No, I had a better way. I would go with my gut, for inside I knew what was actually true, not any of that drivel spewing from the mouths of the “scientists”. Yes, I indeed knew better than them. I looked upon the map and smugly nodded my head. I knew where it was that we should go. I chuckled and announced out loud, “Oh scientists of the world, prepare to look like fools.”
Day 23: I am sorry to say that the expedition of myself and my loyal sherpa associate encountered a significant problem that greatly imperiled our mission. I awoke to the new day to begin our journey across a treacherous desert region. I had informed my loyal sherpa associate that we would begin this leg of our journey at the break of dawn. I had somehow incorrectly read the maps and had originally believed the large land mass we were approaching was actually a forest region with many freshwater lakes and rivers and therefore had not bothered to refill our water supplies. For the both of us we had about a quarter of a liter that would be all we had to sustain us on our travels as we crossed the many mile desert region. I reassured my loyal sherpa associate that there was no cause for concern because when our water supplies ran out we would simply drink our own urine, for we would do whatever was necessary to complete our mission and prove to the world once and for all that the earth was indeed flat. To rouse my loyal sherpa associate’s enthusiasm, I stirringly pronounced “Our mission and goal is far too important. We must bring an end to the conspiracy and so we will gladly and proudly drink our own urine in the name of truth. Tell me my loyal sherpa associate, are you with me?” At that point my loyal sherpa associate snarled, had some sort of bizarre muscle spasm that caused the middle finger of both hands to thrust up with all other fingers folded as he growled and then he had another bizarre muscle spasm where his right arm swung towards me, striking me and knocking me to the ground. My loyal sherpa associate then marched off in the opposite direction from which we were heading. My loyal sherpa associate was gone. Unfortunately my loyal sherpa associate was not up for the rigors we would have to endure to prove to the people the truth we knew that the earth was flat. I realized that it was now up to me to complete the mission. Without the assistance of my associate it was guaranteed to be a far more arduous journey. I must confess to feeling some unease in terms of whether by myself I would be able to complete the travels. There were moments where I asked myself whether it might be wise to abandon the quest. These worries were never given any serious consideration. The mission was far too important. My travels would certainly be more difficult and the adversity would without question be far greater but I would find a way and would persevere and overcome all obstacles. Whatever I had to do, however I had to improvise I would find a solution to whatever problem I was presented with and by God I would prove to the world that the earth was flat.
Day 24: I have yet to set out to cross the desert. I encountered a problem that forced me to remain in the place I had been overnight as I tried to figure out what to do. The problem I encountered was that it turns out I was not actually physically able to pull the sled my sherpa associate had been pulling upon which were the supplies for the expedition. I spent the day loading what I deemed most essential that would fit in a backpack I would have with me as I continued on. The rest had to be left behind. I finished the remaining drops from the water supplies and set off to begin to cross the desert. Oh yes, do not worry people of the world, I will uncover the lie that they have deceived you with all these years and prove to you the truth that the earth is flat.
Day 28: I continued my travels across the desert. The journey up till this point had indeed been brutal. The sun was very intense and the temperature soared up into the 90s and beyond on a daily basis. I was extremely weary from my efforts but knew that I must press on. I stopped and stared into the distance, hoping that I could see the end of the desert region. I did not. All that I could see before me was sand stretching out to the horizon. But, you know what else I saw? The horizon itself. Was the horizon rounded? No, it was not. This very much increased my resolve.I nodded my head with determination and realized that a urine break was what was needed before continuing on. Oh boy, yeah, I really wish I had refilled the water supplies before setting out to cross the desert.
Day 35: I staggered across the desert, my weak legs straining and stumbling. It had been several days since I had eaten. All I had to sustain myself was my own urine which I would then drink. The problem was that, beneath the weight of the sun, and from my efforts, I really was actually urinating very rarely. I was breathing very heavily as I struggled to continue forward. I felt as if I was going to collapse. I dug down deep to keep myself going for if I was to succumb to my weariness and drop to the sand, the mission would be ended and my goal would remain unfulfilled and the people of the world would never know the truth that the earth was flat. I couldn’t let that happen. I had to keep going. I had to keep fighting. I couldn’t give up. I staggered across the sands, struggling with every ounce of strength to keep moving forward. My steps became clumsy, confused, I stumbled, I fell. I dropped to the sand and lay there on my back, just staring up into the sky, directly into the sun, panting heavily, my limbs drained of all energy and strength, unable to move. I sighed despondently. It was over. My quest had failed, a quest I had set out upon with such noble aspirations, to prove to the world that the earth was flat would not be realized and I deeply regretted I was not able to fulfill my task and bring the patrons of this world out of darkness and into the light and as I lay there on the desert sand my eyes began to close as I settled into my own forever darkness. At that moment though I heard a voice call out to me. “No Mr. Turnesidus, you can’t give up, you can never give up until you have reached your goal, to prove to the world that the earth is flat, you can never give up. Your mission is too important for that.” My eyes opened as the blurred picture in front of me gained clarity. I could not believe what it was I saw. “I cannot believe it, my loyal sherpa associate, you have come back to rejoin the mission.” I excitedly exclaimed. My loyal sherpa associate spoke again “That I have Mr. Turnesidus. Why, the mission is far too important in terms of the name of truth and the good of humanity for you to ever quit. You must see your mission through.” I felt inspired. “But then, you’ve rejoined the mission my loyal sherpa associate, so then you can assist me in reaching our goal. Could you possibly start by going back and retrieving the sled that had the supplies for the voyage on it, well that and also to refill our water supply, I’m really getting sick of drinking my own urine.” My loyal sherpa associate shook his head. “No Mr. Turnesidus, I cannot do that. This is a journey you must make by yourself. Deep down inside you knew this was the case for you truly are the only person on the planet who can prove the world is flat. It is your calling. It is your destiny. And it is a journey only you can make.” “Wait, please, the travel has been even more treacherous without your assistance. Please reconsider my loyal sherpa assistant.” I pleaded with him. “My name is Sherka by the way Mr. Turnesidus.” my loyal sherpa associate announced. I looked upon him with confusion. “Um, wait, so then you’re a sherka, not a sherpa?” My loyal sherpa associate shook his head. “No, I am a sherpa but my name is Sherka. I was just pointing that out so you would no longer refer to me as your loyal sherpa assistant.” “Um, so then you’re a sherpa whose name is Sherka?” I asked. Sherka nodded his head. “Yes Mr. Turnesidus, I am a sherpa named Sherka. But I am more than that Mr. Turnesidus, I am also your personal spiritual guide and shaman.” To this information I reacted with amazement. “Wait, wait, so then you’re my loyal associate, personal spirit guide, shaman sherpa named Sherka?” Sherka nodded his head. “That I am Mr. Turnesidus, and I have returned to provide the guidance so that you will be able to carry on and see your quest through until the end. The power has always been inside you Mr. Turnesidus, always remember that. You are the last dragon. You are the oompa loompa who made the basketball team. You are the king of Woopie Hoopie Shoopieville and you wurk blarm phlaaah. And it is only you who can reach the noble and glorious goal of proving to the world that the earth is flat. So come Mr. Turnesidus, dig down deep and find the strength to continue on your quest. Your work is far too important to ever quit.” I looked at my loyal associate spirit guide, shaman sherpa named Sherka and nodded my head. “Thank you Sherka. I always knew that your presence on the expedition was integral for its success but I now realize that your physical presence isn’t what is necessary, because you will always be there with me as my spiritual guide and will always be leading the way. I’m ready now Sherka, I’m ready to rejoin the mission and reveal to all upon the world how they have been deceived. By God my trusted spirit guide, shaman sherpa named Sherka, I won’t let you down. I declare to you in no uncertain terms the mission will be a success!” Sherka nodded happily. “That’s wonderful Mr. Turnesidus. Now you go get’em and give’em hell. Hurry Mr. Turnesidus, for the sake of the mission, get to it and show the world the lies they have been taught. Hurry Mr. Turnesidus, hurry, with Godspeed go and show the people of the world the earth is flat.” I raised myself from the sand and unleashed a primal scream then took off running across the sands under the light of the moon, beneath the darkened sky..
Day 37: I took my first steps out of the desert and stood within an area that had actual vegetation growing. I had made it. I had overcome the desert trials and the expedition would indeed carry on to its glorious, groundbreaking conclusion. I sighed with relief. I smiled contentedly. I knew in this moment I would now be able to see the mission through to the end. It was time to begin the next steps of my expedition, but, my travels across the desert had left me drained. Before beginning my next steps in my quest to prove the truth I realized that what was needed was an aid to provide physical sustenance. I pulled out and drank long from my bottle. Oh boy and holy shit, I really, really wish I had refilled my water supplies before stepping out upon that desert.
Day 39: My quest continued. The terrain over which I travelled was far more welcoming. I found a water source and filled my bottles from it. Admittedly the crossing of the desert had been a treacherous trial but I had overcome it and continued forward with a renewed vigor. It would be much easier going from here on out and my steps were powered by an unflinching confidence that there was nothing that could prevent me from reaching my goal and proving to the world that the earth was flat.
Day 40: Got attacked by a bear today. Apparently I had unknowingly crossed into a bear family’s area. As I walked I saw a very young, small bear stumbling about, oblivious to my presence. I suppose I realized that the prudent thing to do would be to make my way out of the area before the bear spotted me but it was such an awfully cute sight to encounter I couldn’t help myself and instead just remained there gazing upon the majestic sight of nature. I suppose realizing it was an unwise move I then approached the baby bear and stood right before it, waiting until it made eye contact with me. I suppose I also, even though it was an undeniably sweet moment, but I suppose I realized that my next action of reaching my hand down toward the baby bear and petting it on the head while saying “Whoosha woosha cutie bear, yousha woosha cutie bear” was probably an unwise move. My words were followed by two thunderous roars from behind me. I quickly spun around to see two mammoth bears standing on their hind legs, waving their front paws at me threateningly as they towered over me. Apparently the parents didn’t want me petting their baby cub for some reason and were being protective. They lunged at me and down a towering hill I fell, tumbling end over end until I crashed to the bottom. Now, I know what some out there might be saying. “Wait a second, you just said you tumbled down a hill after being confronted by two grizzly bears who didn’t want you petting their baby cub. That’s the craziest story I’ve ever heard because if there was a steep hill then that would prove the earth isn’t actually flat after all.” Oh, but how mistaken you would be for the premise I seek to prove is that the earth is not round, it is indeed flat. I never postulated that it wasn’t at times also bumpy. Flat it indeed is and this episode, far from dispelling the truth I seek to reveal to the world, actually reinforces it for when the ground began to rise from the flat earth did it then continue in an elliptical shape to the other side of the globe, no that it did not, upon reaching its peak it very soon descended back down. Bumpy my friends. The earth can be a little bumpy at times but ultimately it is flat, not an oval. Who out there can still doubt my proclamation?
Day 49: I stood upon the sand, staring out before me. I looked to either direction then stared ahead with some trepidation. It was clear that what lay before me was the ocean and to prove my theory I knew to be true there was no other choice but for me to swim across it. This would indeed be a daunting and perilous journey and there was the very real possibility that my attempts to traverse such a mammoth body of water may not be successful but I was determined to face any adversity for the completion of my quest. I knew upon embarking on my journey there would be unforeseen circumstances and unexpected encounters that I would have to find a way to deal with and overcome and could not let these trials break my resolve and so with determination I took my first steps into the water and began slowly swimming until I would eventually reach the other side.
Day 50: Now, one might say the challenge I was currently embarked upon, swimming across the ocean, wasn’t exactly an unforeseen circumstance or an unexpected encounter considering my goal was to travel across the entire earth and to do so I was sort of going to have to at some point cross an actual ocean. Several of them actually. They do actually make up quite a large percentage of the surface area of the earth. I must confess I never actually factored this detail in when making my plans to attempt my journey. I knew as I swam within the ocean I may never actually make it to the other side but still I swam on. My goal was far too important for me to just give up and quit. I knew I had to see my journey through until the end.
Day ??: I must admit that I had lost track of exactly what day it was so from here on out I will no longer be able to give the precise day it was of my travels. I had been swimming through many, many suns and moons and water was all that I could see. Behind me any evidence of the land I had set out from was gone. There was only the vast ocean that surrounded me, water as far as the eye could see. I continued on.
Day ??: I paused in the water and just looked ahead, hoping I would be able to detect a land mass somewhere in the distance. I saw nothing but the ever stretching ocean. I was very weary. My limbs were straining to keep me afloat. I knew not how many days it had been since I had set out upon the ocean. I was desperately in, um, wait, hold on a second here. O.k., that’s better. The reader may be surprised to hear that it’s actually exceedingly difficult to write in a journal while swimming across the ocean. Where was I then in my recounting of my journey? Oh yes. I was desperately in need of food. There was some seaweed that had floated past me at one point so I figured why not give it a try. Man did it taste like crap. I vomited it back up. I wasn’t sure if it would have any restorative qualities but in the end it didn’t matter as it had been returned to the sea from which it came. I was desperately parched with thirst and wanted a sip of water more than anything. Water was all that was around me. Water was all that I could see but alas “Water, water everywhere, but not a drop to drink” or so the line goes. I knew I could not give up. I continued on.
Day ??: Many more suns and moons had come and gone since my last journal entry. I floated upon the water, using every last bit of strength to keep myself afloat. I looked ahead. Still there was only the seemingly unending ocean, no land in sight. As I bobbed out on the water I began to think to myself. What the fuck were you thinking that you would actually be able to swim across an ocean. I mean it’s a fuckin ocean. You swam across a large lake. That was certainly trying and difficult but this is a fuckin ocean. You don’t think that maybe you should have factored in the feasibility of this endeavour when planning out the most important undertaking of your life? I bobbed there upon the ocean and in that moment all my efforts seemed hopeless. It seemed pointless to go on. I feared I had failed in my quest. I closed my eyes and felt like just giving up and dropping to the ocean’s floor. I knew I could not go any further. My quest was over. I had failed. It was a moment of pure anguish and despair. But then I heard a voice. “No Mr. Turnesidus. You cannot abandon your dream of proving to the world that the earth is flat. If you quit now the world will never know the truth.” It was Sherka my loyal sherpa associate. “Sherka, you’re back.” I excitedly exclaimed as I turned and saw Sherka bobbing in the water next to me. “That I am Mr. Turnesidus for I felt you were in a desperate moment and had to come to tell you that you cannot turn back.” he pronounced. I thought upon this and spoke with resolve. “You’re right Sherka. I have come too far on my quest and my mission is too important for me to ever give up. I must prove to the world that the earth is flat.” Sherka my loyal sherpa associate responded. “Um, no, what I meant Mr. Turnesidus is that you can’t turn around and try to go back to where you first entered into the ocean because you’d never make it. It’s way too far. You’d most certainly drown and die. So you must press forward Mr. Turnesidus. You must continue on until you spot dry land and when you do, dig down deep and use your last ounce of strength and don’t give up until you have reached it.” I thought upon this. “Yes Sherka. You are right. There is no other choice but to continue on. And by God Sherka I will, and I will continue on until I have spotted that dry flat land and I will dig down deep and I will continue on until I have reached it and once I have I will continue on no matter the obstacle I must face, no matter the hardship, no matter the adversity and by God Sherka I will continue on until I have reached my goal. The cause is too important. My motivation too noble for me to ever quit. I will shine the light of truth upon the darkness and with God as my witness Sherka I will prove to everybody that the earth is flat. Thank you Sherka, thank you! This was just the motivation I needed!” I felt the power of my determination fill me with more energy than I had had even when first entering the ocean. I knew my mission would be a success. And so, I continued on…
The reader should know this is not another journal entry from the renowned explorer Trepidus Turnesidus. I will now tell the rest of the tale of his quest. You see, the moment after he met with Sherka and was filled with the motivation he needed to continue his quest something happened. There was a small boy standing upon a beach at the water’s edge. He held in his hand a small rock. He excitedly tossed it out to the sea. The stone struck an approaching wave, then skipped to another and then another and then into the sea the stone it sank. It was at exactly that moment that the renowned explorer Trepidus Turnesidus was exuberantly lurching forward to continue his quest to reveal the truth. Alas, in that moment a surge of water swept over Trepidus Turnesidus’ head and he disappeared. He never again emerged from the water and I am sorry to say that the renowned explorer Trepidus Turnesidus, until the end a proud member of the D.U.M.B.A.S.S.E.S was gone. His quest to reveal to the world with undeniable fact the truth that the earth was flat had failed and the people of earth would remain within the darkness of their ignorance and would go on believing the lie they had been deceived with that the earth was round. Though Trepidus Turnesidus was unable to fulfill his life’s dream I suppose there is still some consolation to be had because Trepidus Turnesidus did dispel another nefarious lie that the scientist conspiracy has tried to make the world believe. The lie that was unquestionably dispelled is that man made causes are responsible for climate change and and global warming and that this will lead to rising sea levels. For it is obvious to any with any sense at all that Trepidus Turnesidus drowning at the moment the rock was tossed into the sea after spending many weeks trying to swim across the ocean, without any question proves that, another of the D.U.M.B.A.S.S.E.S, senator Mo Brooks was right and that rising sea levels are a result of rocks falling into the ocean and not in anyway from human caused pollution or the myth of global warming. For you see, it was at that exact moment that the sea absorbed all the rocks it could handle upon the ocean floor and had run out of space and it created a rise of the sea level that swept over Trepidus Turnesidus’ head. So in closing, in memoriam to the renowned explorer and revealer of truth Trepidus Turnesidus, from all us D.U.M.B.A.S.S.E.S let me say this…
Way to go little Johnny you little shit! You just killed the genus revealer of truth, renowned explorer Trepidus Turnesidus. What the fuck is wrong with you? And you’ve destroyed our beautiful flat planet! Damn you little Johnny you stupid little dick! The sea level rose because of you and now the planet is doomed. Didn’t I warn you about throwing rocks into the ocean? Didn’t I tell you what would happen? I hope you’re proud of yourself you dumb shit! How stupid could you be? Congratulations little Johnny. For not taking the slightest precaution or making the slightest intelligent choice to advert the catastrophe you’ve doomed our beautiful earth. On behalf of all the D.U.M.B.A.S.S.E.S, let me just say we warned you this would happen little Johnny, we warned you and you didn’t listen. And now look at what you’ve done.
Hey, if you really want to see a couple of total DUMBASSES I suggest you look up the actual comments of United States senators Mo Brooks and James Inhofe. You can find them online and see just how fuckin stupid these absolute DUMBASSES truly are.