From the superhero parody book The Adventures of Man-Man, Defender of Man: Episodes 1-10)
|The Adventures of Man-Man, Defender of Man
Episode 2: The Christmas Miracle
By Aaron Aaronson
A group of three men, Zeke, Johnny and Chester, sat about, in a parking lot, leaning against the cars and drinking beers and talking. They all wore baseball caps and plad flannel shirts. Zeke, obviously quite drunk, spoke with a slurred speech. "He's the kind of man this country needs. Not afraid to speak his mind, doesn't care what any of yous think. He's just gonna say what he wants to say no matter how dumb it is and you all can all go to hell. That's what this country needs to be great again."
"You talking about Donald Trump then." Chester commented.
Zeke responded, agitated. "What, no, what is ya stupid. I'm talking about Al Bundy from Married With Children."
"You really think he should run and Al Bundy would make a good president?" Chester asked.
"What? No, boy, you is stupid, I'm saying they should put the show Married With Children back on the air." responded Zeke.
"You know, that show was cancelled a long time ago." Johnny pointed out.
Zeke responded incredulously, "I don't give a damn. Quality T.V viewing is always quality T.V viewing."
"Me, I'd vote for Homer Simpson for president." Johnny proclaimed.
"Dang fool, Simpsons aint on T.V no more." Chester stated.
"Did I say it was on T.V, no, that I did not, I just said I would vote for Homer Simpson for president if he was running!" Johnny declared.
Chester then announced, "Yous all is living in the past. Can't you see the world is moving forward and it's changing times? It's about the future man, and ya got to get with it or be left behind. That's why if he was running I'd vote for Peter Griffin."
"That fat feller from Family Guy. Boy, you got to be kidding me! Aint no way Peter Griffin would make a better president than Homer Simpson!" Johnny stated.
"Oh the both of yous is stupid. You know what, I'm changing my vote. I am going to vote for Al Bundy if he runs!" Zeke announced.
"Al Bundy, boy you must be out of your skull." Johnny commented.
Zeke retorted, regarding this presidential debate, "You must be out of yurs. The two of yas, you would actually vote for some dumb, buffoon cartoon character, caricature, bigoted, overweight moron with a negative IQ and no morals or decency over a real person like Al Bundy who is just telling it like it is?"
"Well I'm gonna tell you how it is, if you think Al Bundy would be a better president than Homer Simpson then that's just stupid." Johnny provided his political assessment.
"Boy, thems be fighting words." Zeke declared.
"Who you guys actually voting for in the real election, Trump, right?" Chester asked.
Zeke and Johnny responded in unison, "What, are you crazy, we actually have standards you know for who we think is actually worthy to be president of the United States."
A scowl appeared on Chester's face. "O.k., the both of you, that's it! You don't dare bad mouth a modern day cartoon anti-hero like that. Thems really be fighting words!"
"Let's boogie!" Zeke announced.
"Oh boy, you two losers are so going down. Believe me!" declared Chester.
"Doh!" Johnny exclaimed.
The three of them then started brawling, wildly throwing punches, becoming a swirling mass of haymakers until Chester dropped to the ground unconscious and with the very next punch Zeke and Johnny each connected with the other, the both of them dropping to the ground, unconscious as well.
The three of them remained there on the ground unconscious until all three came to at the same time, raising from the ground, shaking their heads, Zeke declaring, "Well that there was some bruh, ha, ha."
"Bruh, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha!" Chester pronounced emphatically.
Johnny then commented, "Why I would say it was even a Johnnybrook, um, excuse me, I would say it was even a donnybrook."
"Well you know what I say?" Zeke announced.
"What Zeke, what is it you have to say, say it my friend." Johnny implored.
Zeke responded, "Well, what I got to say is, what in the hell is that 50 ft or so tall lavalike creature standing over there behind us?"
The other two quickly turned around to stare at a 50 ft or so tall creature, who had flames emitting from its body with eruption like flares, it's body a twisted, deformed stone rock solid flame, lava pouring out of cracks within its skin.
"What in tarnation is that thing?" exclaimed Chester.
"It's like some giant evil 50 ft tall lava monster." Johnny pronounced.
"Darn thing looks like it could destroy the entire town with one breath." Chester observed.
"What the hell we gonna do?" Johnny asked.
Zeke authoritatively responded. "Don't worry, I'll handle this." then directed his next comments to the 50 ft tall lava monster itself. "Now look you 50 ft tall lava monster, you best get yourself on up out of here if you don't want any trouble. So, go on, scram, or you gonna wish you had. We don't take much kindly to strangers around here if you catch my drift. So why don't you catch my drift and use it to fly your sorry ass on out of here or there's going to be trouble for ya."
The 50 ft tall lava monster responded with a calm voice. "Yes, I see. Forgive me if I somehow insulted your wit, difficult to do seeing as how you apparently have none of it. But, allow me to inform you, my name is Lavaman, not so kindly at your service, and I have arrived here upon your planet just now seeking to carry out one simple task. That task being to incinerate, annihilate, obliterate, in every way destroy your planet, reducing it to a smoldering speck within the atmosphere to then freeze within its dead shell and rot throughout eternity forevermore, as I assure you I have previously done to so many of the planets in the past which were littering so many of the solar systems within the universe. But now, as for your proclamations that there will be trouble for me, from you, allow me to reveal what it is that I will do. If you take one, and I do mean even one step toward my space, with a lava stream I will strike you down and melt your face."
Johnny reacted boisterously, offended. "Holy crap, you heard what he said to you Zeek? You can't let him talk to you like that, put him in his place."
"Really now Zeek, I'm going to melt your face." commented Lavaman.
"You hear that Zeke, you gotta go get him and teach him a lesson. You go knock this 50 ft lava monster back into outer space!" Chester egged Zeke on.
"Damn straight, I'm gonna do it." Zeke declared with bravado.
"Zeke, as I said, I'm going to melt your face." Lavaman declared.
Zeke looked at Johnny and Chester with a confident smile. "Hey guys, this 50 ft tall lava monster is about to meet two monsters he's never had to deal with before.” Zeke planted a kiss on his right bicep, "Super terrific power hour." Zeke planted a kiss on his left bicep. "And knockout city."
"Yeah. You show him Zeke, you show him Zeke!" Johnny encouraged Zeke.
"Get him Zeke!" Chester exclaimed.
Zeke shook his head with a sneer. "Oh brother, you don't know what you're in for. But let me tell you something, 50 ft lava monster from another planet named Klurt. This is really gonna hurt."
"Um, neither myself nor the planet I hail from are named Klurt." Lavaman pointed out.
"Doesn't matter either way, you lava monster freak, because you're about to feel the power of the all mighty Zeek!" Zeek then, with a domineering rage upon his face began to run at Lavaman. At which point Lavaman shot out a lava stream and melted Zeke's face.
Zeke was now dead.
"Oh no, the lava monster just melted Zeke's face!" Johnny shouted.
"Don't worry, I got this. I'll make sure he pays for what he did to Zeke." Chester said. Chester then started to march toward the lava monster menacingly and then the lava monster melted Chester's face.
"Chester!" Johnny bellowed.
Lavaman looked down at Johnny and spoke with a calm voice, "Very well then. Now as you have just witnessed, I just melted the faces of both of your friends and I assure you that if you are foolish enough to challenge me with any form of aggression whatsoever I will just melt your face as well, killing you. Therefore I sincerely hope you will show at least a modicum of common sense, doing so, not to acquiesce to my wishes, but instead for your own well being because, as already stated, if you do not exercise restraint, I promise you I will just shoot off a lava stream that will melt your face and kill you."
Johnny stood there, bobbing his head up and down. "Yeah, yeah, damn straight I'm going to show common sense and restraint you stupid 50 ft tall lava monster because I got me a crowbar." Johnny reached into the open window of his car and pulled out a crowbar.
"I'm going to melt your face." Lavaman announced.
"Oh boy you dumb lava monster, you done stepped in it now, get ready for a whooping." Johnny threatened.
"I'm going to melt your face." Lavaman declared.
"You done just made the biggest mistake of your life. Woohoo! I'm gonna enjoy this. Hey Zeke, Chester, watch me kick this lava monster's ass." He looked down at the melted faces of his two dead friends on the ground. "Oh, ah, yeah, I forgot. Dang, stupid lava monster, you gonna be sorry for melting Zeke and Chester's faces."
"You're face is going to get melted." Lavaman stated.
"Time for an ass whooping." Johnny then approached the lava monster with an angry glare in his eyes, tapping his crowbar in his open hand and then the lava monster melted Johnny's face.
Lavaman stood there and sighed with dismay. "I sincerely hope other members of this species have at least a slight degree more intelligence or this could become quite a bore."...
Man-Man and Genextrowotobox each sat in a chair, each one staring at a computer screen while the both of them typed feverishly away on separate keyboards.
"You know Genextrowotobox, this particular mission is much more intense than I even thought it would be." Man-Man proclaimed, wiping sweat from his brow.
"I couldn't agree with you more Man-Man." Genextrowotobox concurred, sipping from a can of coke then shoveling a handful of cheese doodles into his mouth.
"I'm afraid that if the both of us are to stay on top of our game, we're going to have to upgrade the system." Man-Man suggested.
"Indeed Man-Man." concurred Genextrowotobox, shoveling another handful of cheese doodles into his mouth.
"So, tomorrow, to master the ultimate capabilities of the system we really should go to the computer store and buy two mice." Man-Man proclaimed.
"They sell mice in computer stores?" Genextrowotobox responded, surprised.
Man-Man shook his head. "I did not mean mice as in the animal. I was referring to the computer peripheral as in two mouses. Oh sisshyfish. Genextrowotobox you rotund cheese doodle inhaling partner in crime your question just made the greatest superhero of all time let his frog get run over by a pickup truck. You are truly the reverse Midas to my luck. I give up on this lame game till we get our plastic mice. Once we have, I swear I will defeat you, not once, not twice, but thrice. Oh boy, bring in the mice and Genextrowotobox is so going down at Frogger." Man-Man, um, said.
"If I may now respectfully deliver my retort, Man-Man." Genextrowotobox requested.
Man-Man replied. "Indeed Genextrowotobox. Your retort I am eagerly waiting for."
"Why are we still using a Commodore 64?" Genextrowotobox asked.
"We're using it because it's a fine piece of machinery, a technological marvel." Man-Man declared.
"Well, that may have been true like 30 something years ago, but you don't think our gaming would work better if we got ourselves one of the next generation systems?" Genextrowotobox expounded.
"True superheroes learn from the ancient masters. Simplicity is the key to true wisdom." Man-Man, the guru of crime fighting, revealed to his apprentice.
"Um, we're playing a game where we're trying to not let a frog get hit by a car." Genextrowotobox observed.
"Do you think frogs don't need superheroes? Do you Genextrowotobox, do you? Now enough of this. It's time to retire to the Man-Man Cave and analyze the airwaves for the going ons in Schiff City." announced Man-Man, turning off the monitor.
"Um, we're already in the Man-Man Cave." Genextrowotobox pointed out.
"Yes Genextrowotobox, I realize that." Man-Man responded, slightly agitated. "But we're currently at Frogger central, performing frog protection services, when I was making the point that we needed to venture to the data analysis section of the Man-Man Cave. So hurry Genextrowotobox, to the data analysis section of the Man-Man Cave."
Man-Man and Genextrowotobox quickly stood up and hurriedly raced about four feet to the left and sat down again, this time at the table their police scanner was upon.
Man-Man and Genextrowotobox sat at the data analysis section of the Man-Man Cave for only a few moments when Genextrowotobox asked, "So Man-Man, do you think there's any chance we'll get lucky and find a worthy case quickly?"
Man-Man responded with a confident tone. "You know Genextrowotobox, life is always a game of chance. And when we roll the dice I think there's a good chance we will indeed get lucky."
A story then came across the police blotter..."It's a truly wild, chaotic scene in downtown Schiff City as what appears to be a 50 foot lava monster is rampaging through it, firing off lava streams which are melting the faces off of and killing every person it encounters while blowing up every car it passes and setting all the buildings on fire. The shrieks and screams of panic and abject horror from the terrified, crying people are creating a scene straight out of the deepest pits of hell as rivers of blood and charred corpses pack the city streets. Oh the humanity, the humanity. Um, though wouldn't saying the inhumanity have actually made more sense? Hmm, I should think about that. Wait a second, there's a disturbance in the station. Oh my God, it's the 50 ft tall lava monster. Now look here Mr. 50 ft tall lava monster. I am the police chief of Schiff City and I am now going to have to place you under arrest for crimes against its citizens. Kindly place your hands behind your back or I will have to use deadly force. So, Mr. 50 ft tall lava monster, do you comply?" There was then a thunderous explosion of raging fire and the voice went silent.
After a moment the voice of Lavaman could be heard. "Greetings citizens of Schiff City. It is me, Lavaman. As I tear through the heart of your city, murdering all the people I encounter by melting their faces, as I have just now done to your police chief, annihilating and reducing to cinders all the flimsy structures, crumbling them to flaming wreckage, might I ask, is there no one out there who can provide me with a worthy challenge? This really is quite a bore. Oh well, in the meantime, just for something to do, I see there is a nursing home across the street I really must pay a visit to so that I might incinerate all the inhabitants inside. Good day and a soon to be goodbye to all the citizens of Schiff City."
Man-Man turned to Genextrowotobox with a look of success. "You know what Genextrowotobox, I think we just got lucky."
Man-Man and Genextrowotobox sat in the back of a taxi as it raced along the streets of Schiff City. Man-Man shook his head with frustration. "Look, Genextrowotobox, I really don't think you're seeing the big picture here. This absolutely is our best possible chance to stop the 50 ft lava monster from destroying all of Schiff City."
"Um, but, returning Schiff City back to an ice age, wouldn't that sort of destroy the city as well?" Genextrowotobox pondered.
Man-Man responded somewhat flustered. "The ice will, well it will thaw, eventually. And you're forgetting about global warming, with global warming the ice will melt even quicker. Just be grateful for the advances of science."
"Um, I'm a little confused though. I know we're racing through the streets, looking for the 50 ft tall lava monster so that we can have this monumental showdown, but if we do find it, how exactly are we to, at that point return Schiff City to an ice age?" Genextrowotobox inquired.
"Um, we, ah, well," Man-Man stammered. "Come on Genextrowotobox, we improvise, we'll figure it out on the spot. Just think of it, the ultimate battle between good and evil. We, the ultimate forces of benevolence confronting the force of evil who is waging a war of fire as we combat it with a wave of ice. Fire and ice. Oh I can't tell you symbolically how that gets my blood pumping. But, my blood runs cold for that indeed is the temperature of good. So come on, let us go find that 50 ft lava monster destroying the city!"
The taxi screeched to a halt, the cab driver turning to Man-Man and Genextrowotobox. "Wait a second, you guys hailed my cab to find that crazy demon monster destroying the city? I thought you guys were just going to the lava room club to see the Frank Sinatra impersonator concert. To hell with this, I'm letting you out right here, I aint letting that thing destroy my cab. And just forget about the fare, just get yourselves out of my cab."
Man-Man and Genextrowotobox exited the cab as the taxi sped off. "Genextrowotobox, how about that, a free cab ride. I think our fortunes for this battle are looking very encouraging. Why I fail to see how anything could possibly not go our way in our conflict against the 50 ft tall lava monster destroying the city."
"Um, but, Man-Man, yes we indeed did get a free cab ride, but he just dropped us off in a different part of the city and we still don't have a clue if the lava monster is anywhere around the area." Genextrowotobox observed.
"Why figgilyflosh Genextrowotobox. We just keep our ears open for the screams of the dying and the surrounding carnage and our noses alert for the smell of burning flesh and we'll be certain to find it. So come on, let's pound the pavement, it must be around here somewhere." Man-Man rationalized.
Man-Man and Genextrowotobox wandered the sidewalk, looking around. "So Genextrowotobox, is that nose of yours picking anything up." Man-Man asked.
"Well, no scent of burning flesh but there seems to be a lot of garbage, I wonder if maybe the garbage wasn't collected." Genextrowotobox replied.
"Yes, well, Genextrowotobox, some of us have more pressing matters such as trying to stop a 50 ft lava monster, trying to destroy the city. Don't imagine that would mean much to someone who just sits around eating cheese doodles all day and is currently eating cheese doodles from a tube leading to his mouth from his cheese doodle hat." Man-Man responded defensively.
"I'm sorry, Man-Man, I assure you. Believe me I in no way was intending to cast aspersions on your sanitation collection duties while assuming the identity of your alias, John Smilthelrithy." Genextrowotobox apologized.
"Well, John Smithelrithy accepts your apology. Now let's keep walking. Now where could he be?" Man-Man said, walking and looking around. A few feet in front of them was a couple walking, but two men with ski masks ran up to the couple and pulled out guns, barking at the couple as the man and woman handed over all their valuables. "We must stay vigilant Genextrowotobox, it is essential we maintain our superhero instincts to the utmost of our abilities." The two masked figures ran off, running past Man-Man and Genextrowotobox on the sidewalk.
"Indeed Man-Man, I will keep my eyes peeled." Genextrowotobox announced.
"That 50 ft tall lava monster has to be somewhere, but where, if we could only find him, we could truly put our superhero powers to work." Man-Man lamented.
Genextrowotobox pointed to a nearby building that had smoke coming from it. "Wait, Man-Man, over there, a fire."
Man-Man shook his head. "No. That's just a regular fire, it's not a Lavaman fire. Please do not allow yourself to get distracted from our superhero responsibilities."
"Sorry Man-Man, I had thought maybe it was a fire started by Lavaman himself, my error." Genextrowotobox explained.
Man-Man began delivering a commentary about being a superhero. "Let's see here. You know Genextrowotobox, sometimes the answer presents itself in the most unlikely of places. There you are, walking along and then," A car comes wildly barreling from the road, crashing into a pedestrian in front of Man-Man and Genextrowotobox, pinning the pedestrian against the wall of a building. "Boom! Just like that an opportunity to be a superhero presents itself."
The pedestrian pinned by the car cried out "Oh my God, I can't feel my legs and I think I'm bleeding to death, someone call 911!"
The driver of the car was slumped over the wheel, moaning "Someone help me, I think I'm having a heart attack, someone call 911."
Man-Man continued speaking as he and Genextrowotobox stepped from the sidewalk and into the street to walk around the car. "Because if we are not ever prepared to be the superheroes we are in a time of need, why we would be letting the good citizens of Schiff City down."
"I see Man-Man, please continue." Genextrowotobox said.
The car caught fire as Man-Man and Genextrowotobox passed it and continued along the sidewalk. "Indeed I will loyal sidekick, for this is the wisdom of truly being a superhero." Man-Man proclaimed.
The man pinned by the car and man driving the car both cried out at the same time, "Oh dear God, the car is on fire, it's going to explode. Someone get me out of here!"
Man-Man continued, "For you see Genextrowotobox, being a true superhero means you are always there to save the day." The car then exploded. "Helping those in need, why that is the core essence of being a superhero. That, and to deliver a heaping helping of justice to all the evil doers so that good stands strong upon the field of battle." A man gripping his stomach, blood pouring from his stomach onto his hands and onto the ground, came staggering from around the corner and fell to the sidewalk a few feet in front of Man-Man and Genextrowotobox. "And that Genextrowotobox is what being a superhero is all about."
"I see Man-Man, greatest superhero of all time, I think I understand now." Genextrowotobox responded, nodding his head.
The bleeding man on the ground began speaking with a weak, strained voice. "Oh thank God, you two are superheroes, um, superheroes with extremely stupid names, but, but, a group of guys around the corner just stabbed me and stole all my money, I, I, think I might be dying here, can you, you perform some superhero powers to save me, or at least call 911. And can you go around the corner and deliver justice for what they did to me?"
Man-Man and Genextrowotobox stopped, looking down at the bleeding man. Man-Man responded, "Excuse me, can't you see we're busy being superheroes here and you're getting in the way?" Man-Man and Genextrowotobox stepped over the bleeding man and continued along the sidewalk, Man-Man speaking "And that's my point Genextrowotobox, if we don't remain ever alert we could possibly miss our chance to be the superheroes we are."
"I really, I really think I'm dying here." called out the bleeding man on the sidewalk.
"Absolutely Man-Man, I promise I won't let you down." Genextrowotobox assured Man-Man.
Man-Man stopped and looked at Genextrowotobox with a focused, profound stare. "No Genextrowotobox, don't worry about letting me down. Worry about letting the good people of Schiff City down."
Genextrowotobox looked up ahead, pointing his finger. "Look, Man-Man, there's a raging fire up ahead on both sides of the street and a 50 ft tall lava creature in between shooting lava blasts into everything in the area. Do you think that could be Lavaman?"
Man-Man nodded his head exuberantly. "Yes, my loyal sidekick my crime fighting analysis abilities tell me that is quite possibly Lavaman. Now that's a Lavaman fire! Come on Genextrowotobox, the time to be superheroes is here. The epic showdown is upon us. Hurry!"
Man-Man and Genextrowotobox took off running along the sidewalk towards Lavaman.
"Um, Man-Man, I was just wondering." Genextrowotobox commented while running.
"Yes, Genextrowotobox, what is it?" Man-Man responded while running alongside him.
"Um, what exactly are we going to do when we get up to it?" Genextrowotobox asked, still running.
"The ice age Genextrowotobox, remember the ice age." Man-Man answered, not breaking stride.
"Um, but, how exactly are we going to instantaneously create an ice age?" Genextrowotobox probed, starting to labor some with his running.
"We will, um, shoot Lavaman with water guns and wait for the water to freeze." Man-Man responded, slowing his pace some so as to stay in line with Genextrowotobox.
"But we don't even have water guns." Genextrowotobox noted, staggering along.
"That's really besides the point Genextrowotobox." Man-Man offered back, still running.
"And it's summer." Genextrowotobox mentioned, his steps struggling even more, he panting in between swallows from his cheese doodle hat.
"Well Lavaman's summer of destruction will turn into its winter of discontent. Come on Genextrowotobox, oh boy this is the battle we have been seeking! Ice shall so defeatheth fire." Man-Man pronounced, raising his finger to the sky, struggling to keep his pace reduced to the struggling steps of Genextrowotobox.
At that moment a figure appeared upon the scene in front of them, large, hulking, appearing as a frozen entity, a metal canister upon its back. It beckoned to Man-Man and Genextrowotobox to stop. "Wait. Please allow me to take on this battle. My name is Mr. Freeze. I was once an evil villain but your quest for justice and good has led me to see the error of my ways. I see now that I should be fighting for the forces of good. And if you want a fighter best able to handle the situation and place evil Lavaman into an ice age then I tell you I am the man for the job. So please, allow me to enter the struggle, as the person best suited to be victorious, I promise you the forces of good will prevail."
Man-Man responded with a sneering indignation. "What? Get the hell out of here. You're just trying to steal the limelight even though you're just a bad actor on the superhero stage. You cannot redeem an evil villain. Evil cannot change its ways. And because of that, the forces of good, evil it always slays. Goodness comes from within. It's who you are. It's what you do. It is you. But it is not you, can never be, but it is us. It's what we do. We are superheroes. And we have a battle that we must fight. So I say to you, forever evil, good night. Now Genextrowotobox, throw a molotov cocktail at that frozen piece of evil garbage and melt him as we carry on to our showdown with Lavaman so we can reduce it to an ice age."
"Already on top of it Man-Man." Genextrowotobox replied, lighting the rag of a molotov cocktail which he then tossed at Mr. Freeze.
"Well done Genextrowotobox, now onward we march!" Man-Man declared, beginning to run again towards Lavaman.
"Thank you Man-Man." Genextrowotobox replied, beginning to run again as well.
Mr. Freeze, being incinerated by the fire that now engulfed him called out with an emotionless, monotone voice. "I'm melting, I'm melting...But...I'll be back."
"Quick Genextrowotobox, we're almost there!" Man-Man announced eagerly, picking up his pace.
"I'm still a little concerned about what we do when we reach the 50 ft tall lava monster." Genextrowotobox worried, straining to keep up.
Man-Man responded with optimism, increasing his stride. "We'll be fine. There is nothing to fear but fear itself. Now if we were racing up to do battle with a giant fear monster you might have a point but you're being entirely irrational."
"Eh, I think being a little scared of a 50 ft tall lava monster destroying the city is maybe not completely irrational." Genextrowotobox theorized, starting to pant very heavily, his pace slowing until he stopped, hands on his legs, gasping for air.
Man-Man stopped running as well. "Too late Genextrowotobox, for the battle is now upon us."
Genextrowotobox raised his head to see that immediately before them was Lavaman. "Oh, o.k., I see, just a second." He inhaled a stream of cheese doodles from his hat. "O.k., o.k., I'm ready, no, just give me a second more." He consumed another stream of cheese doodles from his hat. "O.k., o.k., good to go."
Man-Man defiantly pointed his finger at Lavaman. "Ha, ha, ha, Lavaman, you thought you were just going to be allowed to waltz through our fair city, leaving only a path of desolation and destruction, unopposed. But you failed to realize that the two greatest superheroes of all time, Man-Man and Genextrowotobox, would rise up and put an end to your exploits of evil. Prepare for the final battle."
Lavaman looked down at Man-Man and Genextrowotobox with an annoyed look. "Oh so help me. I certainly hope you're joking here. Is it possible the human race is the most intensely stupid species the universe has ever seen? I've killed your entire police force, countless other civilians, they sent in a few tanks, destroyed them too, threw a few fighter jets at me, incinerated them, an attack helicopter, ditto, and so what is the grand finale, the secret weapon? The two of you? What, I guess, send in the clowns? I'm sorry, but if it was your goal here to make me laugh, I'm really not the laughing sort."
Man-Man responded with a taunting, condemning sneer. "You don't laugh because your heart is filled...with evil. Me and Genextrowotobox, we laugh all the time, don't we Genextrowotobox. In fact, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Am I not right Genextrowotobox?"
"Indeed Man-Man. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!" Genextrowotobox emphatically responded.
"Take that Lavaman, you're up against the forces of good, and we heartily laugh at your evil." Man-Man forcefully clenched his fist and held it before him.
Lavaman looked upon them with a pensive, pained look. "What does a laugh feel like, appears such a disjointed, disturbed gesture. I wonder what it's actually like though. Never have laughed before. I'm actually beginning to wonder why I even bother. Why do I bother? It's really all starting to seem entirely senseless and pointless. And the unbridled idiocy of this planet defies comprehension. I feel as if I'm wading around in the sewer of the solar system."
"Well, get ready Lavaman because we're about to turn the sewer into ice and so stamp out your hellfire. Things are about to get, very, very cold for you." Man-Man challenged.
"O.k. You do realize I travelled here through space without any form of ship don't you? You do realize the open space of the solar system is rather cold? How exactly did you think that merely turning the temperature down a few degrees was possibly going to stop me?" Lavaman responded incredulously.
"Oh your lava exterior may have been able to withstand the cold of outer space, but it will be no match against the cold of good." Man-Man declared.
"The cold of good? Now what could that nonsensical phrase possibly mean. Dear God, if I have to spend another moment on this planet I think my head is going to explode." Lavaman pronounced, dumbfounded.
Man-Man looked at Lavaman with a steely determination. "It will explode with cold, and that my adversary is called goodness."
"I'm not even going to attempt to decipher that last imbecilic comment. But, just tell me, what was that expression present on your face when you said it?" Lavaman responded, perplexed.
"Why it was a smile my evil lava, hated, fiendish friend, a superhero smile of justice." Man-Man detailed.
Lavaman responded with sorrow. "A smile, never known one of those. Such a bizarre facial contortion. I wonder what a smile actually feels like."
"Like snowy, Siberian, gooey, goodness." Man-Man answered.
"I'm really not even going to pay attention anymore to anything that comes out of your mouth. Just going to think out loud here." Lavaman announced. "I mean, why do I do the things I do? What could I possibly be hoping to accomplish? Destroy the earth, all life on it, and every planet and life form in the galaxy and then what? Where am I? Just alone in cold, dark space. Without the possibility of ever encountering another living being as long as I live. Wanting the entire time just to die."
Man-Man shot back immediately. "And at that point, you're done for, feeling the goodness and the power of the cold, and the human race will be triumphant over you."
"Oh, so help me, I really have had enough of this." Lavaman groaned.
Man-Man turned to Genextrowotobox. "How are you faring Genextrowotobox?"
"This truly is the toughest battle the superhero duo has ever faced. Do you think we'll make it?" Genextrowotobox replied, then inhaled a stream from his cheese doodle hat.
"We just need more cold. So come on Genextrowotobox, with all your strength, think cold thoughts!" Man-Man ordered.
Lavaman continued his inner discourse, his voice sounding even more mournful. "And I really don't want to be alone. Feels like I've been alone my entire existence, just a heart beating in isolation within the darkness of a shadow that was forever descending down upon me."
"I don't think it's working Man-Man." Genextrowotobox announced while pretending he was wearing a bathing suit while in Antarctica.
"Don't lose faith Genextrowotobox, we have him on the ropes. And I know how to defeat the lava monster." Man-Man proclaimed.
"How Man-Man?" Genextrowotobox asked, intrigued.
Man-Man looked at Genextrowotobox with an assured gaze. "We'll kill the lava monster with Christmas!"
"Holy lords a leaping Man-Man." blurted Genextrowotobox.
"Yes, my rotund sidekick, you just use your portly frame and channel Santa Claus." Man-Man instructed.
"Ho, ho, ho!" Genextrowotobox exclaimed while patting his head and rubbing his belly. "Happy Christmas to all. And to all evil, a final good night. Ho, ho, ho!"
"Excellent my friend. Well played. What could be more gooder or colder than Christmas? Now the big guns, Christmas carols!" Man-Man directed.
Lavaman just stared off with a blank, empty stare. "Born of fire, born of death, born into the insane, born life beneath inferno pain. That's really always been the story of my life."
Man-Man and Genextrowotobox began joyfully singing, bobbing their heads as they did. "We wish you a Merry Christmas, we wish you a Merry Christmas, we wish you a Merry Christmas, and a happy New Year."
Lavaman just stared to the ground with a dejected look. "It really is an entirely miserable existence, devoid of anything good or any joy whatsoever."
"Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way. Oh what fun it is to ride, on a one horse open sleigh, hey." Man-Man and Genextrowotobox chimed.
"It really makes me wonder why I bother going on." Lavaman despaired.
Man-Man and Genextrowotobox continued singing. "Dashing through the snow, on a one horse open sleigh, oer the fields we go, laughing all the way. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!"
Lavaman's face took on a look of anger and frustration. "So help me, if those damn carolers don't shut up, my head truly is going to explode."
"Feliz Navidad. Feliz Navidad. I want to wish you a Merry Christmas from the bottom of my heart." Man-Man and Genextrowotobox harmonized.
Lavaman's entire demeanor appeared completely despondent. "I mean, I take no satisfaction from anything I do. And when I stare at the future, all I see, is a non-ending marathon of pain. So, really now, why bother going on?"
"Have a holly, jolly Christmas. It's the best time of year. I don't know if there'll be snow, but have a cup of cheer." Man-Man and Genextrowotobox yodeled.
Lavaman's face was swept over again by rage. "O.k., I really cannot take another moment of this hideous singing. I really think I am about to explode."
"Grandma got run over by a reindeer. Walking home from our house Christmas Eve. You can say there's no such thing as Santa. But as for me and Grandpa we believe." Man-Man and Genextrowotobox crooned.
Lavaman sighed heavily and in an instant Lavaman's body drooped with a hopeless expression, his voice continuing with a resigned despair. "Oh what difference does it make anyway. I really just want to be done with it all anyway. Very well then. Farewell cruel universe, Lavaman's time upon the stage has come to an end. My life was never going to bring me anything other than pain. To be done with the misery and the bleak, hopeless despair. To end the emptiness of my perpetual march into nothing, I suppose those wretched carols, being the thing that pushed me over the edge were actually a blessing in disguise. To never have to be tortured by another image through these eyes, I suppose as I stand here I now realize, this was the way it was always going to end. There was never going to be anything good, nor a moment of joy in this life. And so...now...it ends."
At that moment, the 50 ft tall frame that was Lavaman erupted into a giant ball of flame, a lava flow splattering the area and there was a giant plume of smoke and when the smoke dissipated, Lavaman was no more.
Genextrowotobox stared upon the scene with a joyous expression, seeing that Lavaman was gone but Man-Man remained caught up in singing. "Silent Night, holy night. All is calm. All is bright. Round young virgins so tender and mild--"
"Wait, wait, Man-Man, we did it. Lavaman is gone, he has been obliterated in a fiery explosion." Genextrowotobox pointed out.
Man-Man stared ahead, seeing that Lavaman had been defeated. He nodded his head victoriously. "Exploded in fire by the power of the cold of ice."
"Your plan to sing Christmas carols was genius." Genextrowotobox praised.
"Nothing kills quite like Christmas does." Man-Man noted.
"It's a Christmas miracle! God bless us everyone, um, except of course for evil lava monsters." Celebrated Genextrowotobox.
"Killing evil. It's what the power of Christmas is all about Santa Claus." Man-Man declared.
"Um, Man-Man, I'm back to being Genextrowotobox." Genextrowotobox informed Man-Man.
Man-Man looked over at Genextrowotobox. "I see that you are. We did well my loyal sidekick. We have defeated evil once again and the people of Schiff City can sleep safe and sound. After that battle though, we need our rest for our next challenge in the never ending struggle of good versus evil. So come on, it's back to the League of the Fortress of Illustrious Justice and the Man-Man Cave."
"Can we put up our stockings when we get there?" Genextrowotobox asked, excitedly.
Man-Man looked at Genextrowotobox wishing that he didn't have to shoot down Genextrowotobox's hopes with reality. "I'm sorry Genextrowotobox but it's summer, and, we live in an apartment. How exactly would Santa get in to fill our stockings without a chimney? So let's just catch a ride on the next sleigh being pulled by reindeer and go back to the Man-Man Cave to rest and prepare. The citizens of Schiff City can sleep without worry or care. Because the crime fighting duo will always be there." Man-Man's look turned to one of joy and he chuckled. "Shucks Genextrowotobox, we can put up the stockings, and you want to know why? Because when ManMan and Genextrowotobox are on the case, it's always Christmas on the 4th of July."
A massive fireworks display then began going off in the sky overhead. And then a light snow began to fall.
Genextrowotobox turned happily to Man-Man. "Looks like it will be a white Christmas after all. Oh Man-Man, this is the best Christmas ever!"
Man-Man nodded his head contentedly as he sipped from a mug filled with eggnog. "That it is loyal sidekick, that it undoubtedly is."…
And so another riveting episode of The Adventures of Man-Man, Defender of Man is in the books. Another epic struggle has been resolved and once again the greatest superhero duo of all time stands triumphant. The battle against Lavaman has now concluded, and though it was another epic struggle of good versus evil, in the end, Lavaman was no match for the snowball of Christmas cheer Man-Man hurled his way. So goodbye, goodnight, and have a happy holiday.