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Rated: ASR · Essay · Comedy · #2177333
A short essay about the conflicts countries have over useless, tiny islands.
Um, It’s a Friggin Island By Xavier Cockroachal Damon (From the book "Welcome to the Idiot Box: Stories, Essays, Self-help Wisdom". Available at Amazon)

What exactly is the problem with countries who seem to be forever fighting over friggin islands that are about the size of a golf ball? I mean it’s not like world powers are vying for control over friggin Australia or something, and you know, a pack of golf balls can be had for a very low price. Is war really absolutely necessary? Not only that but golf balls actually have some functionality, albeit to propagate a ridiculously stupid sport with ridiculous outfits to match, but much of the time these squabbles, militarily or anti-diplomatically, are over entirely useless tiny land masses.

Like the time there was saber rattling between China and Japan however many years ago and threats of war over an island that was literally just an uninhabitable chunk of rock. The Senkaku island dispute between Japan and China and Taiwan. Currently there is the dispute between China, Japan, and Vietnam, all laying claim to the same island. On October 12th of last year there was a war of words when an American military ship travelled within 12 nautical miles of, now this one of course would be hard to dispute ownership of, a Chinese man-made island in the Sprath archipelago. And over the years there have been many, many others. And, um, Great Britain who once occupied almost 25% of the land masses of the entire globe actually went to war with Argentina over the Falkland Islands. What, was it because they wanted to be triumphant in the contest for the rights to the t-shirt, souvenir money machine “My Parents Went To The Falkland Islands And All I Got Was This Falkin Shirt “.

And the majestic luxury cruise ship the Queen Elizabeth 2 was commissioned and converted to support the war time effort and transport the troops to ensure victory in this all important must win, do or die conflagration of ultimate significance. Um, you did this to fight fuckin Argentina? What were you afraid the Nazi regime who had fled and flocked to it were going to come out of the woodwork in some octogenarian fascist uprising signaling the second coming of Hitler? If that did happen, you know, they’re old now, so just, you know, push em’ over. But don’t cry for me Argentina, the world is already dead.

And how many times are there multiple countries in Asia, some already documented, all claiming ownership of the same useless land mass? Don’t you realize, it’s not yours, or yours, or yours, um, or yours or yours, eh, or yours or yours or yours. It doesn’t belong to you, it belongs, to the people! For we are the world, we are the children. We are the ones who make a brighter day so let’s rain down nuclear holocaust so that the day will be forever bright with the glow of nuclear winter so that I might almost be able to sit down on the landmass that led to end times for the world entire only it’s too small for my skinny ass to sit upon.

Though I guess those tiny islands could be put to some actual humanitarian benefit. Suppose you could use them to house all the homeless children-of the world, without roof over head of course since building one on such a small space would be architecturally impossible but at least they would have their rock to sleep on, and um, all fall into the water and drown when they fell asleep because there was no possible way they could all fit on it.

You could call it “Island Child World”. Wait, that sort of makes it sound like some sort of kiddie porn website. Um, so a different name. But, I suppose the name of their non-sheltered pseudo, almost domicile really isn’t the important point because, in the end, though they wouldn’t have much in life, at least, metaphorically speaking, they would then have a pot to piss in. Um, ah, wait again, that analogy sort of reinforces the whole idea the island name sounds like a kiddie porn site doesn’t it, and, having only a rock to sleep on which you are undoubtedly going to fall off of and drown is pretty much a definition, metaphorically speaking, of not having even a pot to piss in, so I guess maybe name the island, I don’t know, “Come and get your rocks off watching little kids pee in the ocean”. Um, I really do believe I should cease and desist with any more attempts to figure out a name for the island of lost children, wait, wasn’t that actually the name of an island in some movie or book or something? Was it fuckin Peter Pan or some shit? Dude, what did I say about not trying to name the damn island?

Anyway, I should not be the one commissioned with naming rights for the island. But by all means commission the Queen Elizabeth to transport the children there. All the kids can wave joyfully at the ship while eating their Peanut Butter as the ship slowly sails away, a tear of joy slipping from the eye of each and every one of those on the ocean liner for a job well done, for there will be Peter Pan peanut butter a plenty on “The Island Of Lost Children” and a good time will be had by all.

And then they’ll all fall in the ocean and die. “God Save the Queen”, we mean it man!

Look I do realize what it is really about. These petty infinitesimal land grabs are really just powered by desires to expand territory, water rights, shipping lanes, and other such things rather than solely some bravado, machismo showmanship of misplaced egotistical national pride. Because, of course, with each speck of stone so is then increased an area of influence because of the buffer zones of nautical miles permitted toward a sovereign nation, thus the man made islands, mean reach expanded, as eventually these buffer zones intersect and all of it chains together like some board game of world domination and increased economic prosperity called, I don’t know, “Connect the rocks and you can buy more socks” or something. Um, dude, I’m filing a court order preventing you from ever naming anything whatsoever. But how couldeth thee create an island, thou art but man, it is God that created man and the islands upon which man fighteth upon as well! So go to hell, for no man an island be. A man he be, a tree. The tree of life. Hallelujah and amen. God bless the lord. And so in reality these petty and pathetic squabbles are actually about ambitions for more extensive expansion and an intended much larger land grab and greater sphere of economic and territorial influence. But, really now, it doesn’t make it any less stupid.

Wait, hold on, the United States just invaded the Falkland Islands. Woohoo! That means I can get my very own “My Parents Went To The Falkland Islands And All I Got Was This Falkin Shirt” t-shirt. But really now, why the falk would they want to go there in the first place? Um, it’s just a friggin useless island.
The End
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