I should've known what was going to happen.
It wasn’t you i was worried about, it was B. He was touchy at the time, always pulling up my dresses, throwing stuff down my shirt, or drawing on my legs. You and A were both concerned with me being there with him. So you and her came along. Then i was worried about you. I told A and B to make sure i’m not alone with him, at all. The walk down there, you guys went ahead and we stayed back. Your remote control car broke, and i waited while you fixed it. Trying to make small talk with you is impossible. But when we got to the lake, A and B were drenched, messing around IN the lake. I still have photos from that day. Maybe if they didn’t get into the lake, none of this would’ve happened.
I didn’t want to get in. I wanted to stay dry, and just watch them mess around, but A wouldn’t let that happen. B didn’t have any pants on, and my shirt and bra was white, meaning if i got it wet, you could see straight through. So B gave me his shirt. And A dunked me in the lake. I was soaked. You were still dry. Until you took off your pants and got in as well. At that time, we were all messing around. When I got out to check my phone, you slapped my ass as hard as you could. So hard it left a mark. A handprint. YOUR handprint.. That was the beginning.
And then I remembered that M was coming, and didnt know how to get to the lake. A said she would go get her. I didn’t mind until B said he was going along… I told A and B it was okay because at the time i liked you a lot. And I didn’t want to be rude. That was a mistake. We layed out in the sun, trying to dry off as best as we could. You asked me to suck your dick for money. I said no. I didn’t think much of that, at that time but later on I realized what was happening. You played your “beach” music, the playlist that you thought was amazing. I still hate those songs to this day. After laying in silence for like 5 minutes, you decided to get back into the lake. I told you I didn’t want to go in, because I just dried off. But you reassured me that doesn’t matter, and i fell for it. I got in. I had a gut feeling it was a bad idea. A really bad idea. But me, being the dumb girl i am, i went in anyways. You kept splashing water at me. And we laughed. Then you reached out to touch me as A, B, and M came back, and you immediately took your hand back. Thank god they got there at that time. M never got into the lake. You eventually left as we had to run back to the park. I thought a lot about that. And then I got home.
You texted me. Kept asking why I wouldn’t have sex with you. I kept telling you because i want it to be with someone special, and nice. Someone who meant a lot to me. And you kept pushing and pushing. And then started talking about having sex in front of the sunset. And how “beautiful” that would be. I kept getting a bad vibe, but i said no and kept talking to you anyways. And then you said things like “you’ll change your mind” and “you’ll like it” and when i told you that i wasn’t going to, you said “we’ll see”. And then it hit me. I was being sexually harassed.
After that, we didn't talk. The school year ended, and i figured i wouldn't have to see you again till 10th grade, but i was wrong. My sister was graduating and you were in the band. My whole family came up, my dad included. When you came around in your bright red t-shirt, i hid. Like an idiot, i hid from you, i hid behind my brother. My dad kept asking what was going on and i told him to just make sure you don't come over here. Later on that year, my dad brings up that day saying he could tell that i was really scared. It wasn't fake fear. It was real.
For the rest of the summer, I didn't see you. I thought about you but i didn't see you.
And then 10th grade started. And I had to see you every day. Thank god, i didn't have any classes with you... But the first time i saw you, i had a panic attack. a bad one. I saw you, and i couldn't move. I had a panic attack. One where i had to go into the bathroom because i was crying and couldn't breathe. eventually, it ended. At that time, my mother didn't know about you, so i didn't tell her about the panic attack.
I eventually got used to seeing you around. I only had to pass you once, unless it was during lunch. but then, one day, you were coming down the stairs as i was going up. It was crowded. It's always crowded in the A stairwell. But it was so crowded that you bumped into me. Just your shoulder. I know looking back, it's not a huge deal. But at that time it was. And i had another panic attack. That was the first time you touched me since that day.
Another time, it was a college fair at the school. Our commons area was small, and the tables took up most of the space so you had to push through people to get where you were going. I wanted to go to a stand, but in order to get to that stand, i had to push through you. I had my friend (ex friend now) next to me.
"I can't go that way."
"addi yes you can."
"no no i really can't"
She went through first, literally pushing you the opposite way as she gave me enough room to pass. That time, there was no panic attack. I thought about it for the rest of the day though. Other times were small. I saw you at a musical, my friends try to distract me. The other day, i saw you during lunch and i stopped smiling. A knew what was wrong and tried to distract me so well, that she danced around the gym...
But there was one more big time. We bumped full on. I said sorry and you kept walking. I still get a sick feeling thinking about you. You probably know what happened though. Panic Attack. Again.
I eventually told my mom. She wanted to do something about it. Talk to the school, or the police, or something to "get justice". But that would involve bringing up all the feelings. And seeing you more often. I didn't want that. I'm pretty sure she forgot eventually. But i didn't.
To this day, I still notice you. I still think about you raping me. Even if it didn't happen. And i know. I know it's not as bad as it could be. But the slap was sexual assault. And you did sexually harass me. And i am NEVER going to forget that. But i can't wait for the day where i NEVER have to see you again.