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Rated: ASR · Fiction · Comedy · #2180066
A man gets a phone call from his dead uncle.
Uncle Dave?

“How did you know it was me?”

“Because you sound dead. Well, not just dead, but recently dead.”

“Aren’t you shocked to hear my voice? I’m a bit disappointed.”

“Why? I thought you liked me.”

“It’s pretty boring living - sorry - being dead, around all these other dead people. I just needed to have a little fun.”

“At my expense?”

“Sorry about that. I do like you, and we haven’t seen or talked to each other for a while.”

“Apology accepted. So what’s it like being dead?”

“Surprisingly, it's not a whole lot different than being alive, except that I never get hungry. But I do have to drink a lot of water, just to keep from drying out.”

“Where does the water come from?”

“I'm not sure. All I know is that there are drinking fountains all over the place.”

“Drinking fountains are gross. You never know if the person before you put their lips on the, the, whatever you call that wide part where the water comes out.”

Everything is gross here, but one gets used to it. The only thing that really bothers me is that you can't tell who's a man and who's a woman. Everyone is kind of prune-like, with no more than a few ratty hairs on their heads. I tell you, it's not easy trying to hook up with someone. You never know who's what.”

“If I recall, you never had much luck hooking up in life, either.”

“Says who? I had some pretty good times in life. Hey, that reminds me. Do you remember that night in Vegas, when you and that stripper--”

“Never mind about that night. If my family ever finds out, I’ll be in big trouble.”

“I just thought you might confide in your old Uncle Dave. Especially since I’m the one who introduced you to her.”

“If I recall, you were never good at keeping secrets. And if you ever decide to call someone else in my family, I wouldn't be surprised if you--”

“You don't have to worry about that. They allow us only one phone call down here.”

“Down here?”

“Don't tell me you're surprised.”

“No, I guess not. But that probably means I'll never see you again.”

“Oh, you think so, huh? I have three words for you. Las. Vegas. Stripper.”

“That was one time. One little transgression shouldn't condemn me to an eternity with prune people and disgusting drinking fountains.”

“How do you know they don't have drinking fountains up there?

“Well, if they do, I'll bet some angel keeps them clean.”

“What difference does it make, anyway? What can happen if I drink some tainted water? It certainly can't kill me. Anyway, I don't think a little tainted--oh, oh. We have to wrap this up.”


“There's only one phone, so they have a rule that each conversation is limited to five-hundred words.”

“Then I guess I'd better say good-bye and, oh, I don't know. Be well?”

"Very funny. I'll bet you--
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