Questions that i have amised myself with, plus a lesson in family and love
|The other days as I was walking I entertained my thoughts as i usually do and the thing that kept coming to mind was death.
I've often thought about this concept, and in the past i wanted nothing more than to give into the morbid desires of death, Now days i just think about it because it's a part of life and at some point were all going to die some are horrific ways to die and others are peaceful.
My curiosity is does it hurt? Do you know when the end comes? Does your life really flash infront of your eyes? The mere thought of death is scary to me because in a sense i want to know about it, but i dont want to know how i am going to die because then that would make me even more paranoid than i already am.
My dad did the best he could do when he was alive to care for his children, but his favorite child was my brother and i was told several times that that is his son and i am merely only his daughter and the only thing that i am good for is to cook and clean the house and take care of my children. Of course he thought that i was doing a lousy job at those tasks. He was consistently violently drunk even though he was a heart patient that would swallow his heart medication down with a swig of whiskey of course his beloved mother never knew that little known fact even though he knew it was wrong he did not care. He passed in march of 2014 and even though he was down right rotten to me it deeply saddened me. I think what i regret most was the week/ weekend before his death he wanted me and my children to consistently come over for some reason or another and at the time i was still angry and i was busy adjusting my family to a new place, a new environment, a new way of life mom working.
The night my dad died ( before we knew he was dead) i for whatever reason decided to put my phone on vibrate before crashing after a night with freinds, which was totally out of character for me. That morning i was still sleeping and my mom walked my daughter to her school bus stop and while there apparently my brother had tried calling me fifty times, so he finally called my mom. My mom comes into my room and wakes me up asking me if i am awake and i remember thinking to myself whoa whats the emergency who died and right after thinking that my mom says my brother was trying to get ahold of me because my dad died last night. I stated that that wasnt funny nor was that a decent way to wake someone up and laid back down, but as i reached for my phone i realized what she said and read my many text messages and voice mails. My mom said get dressed were going to your dads house, still convinced that this was a joke i stated loudly that this was not funny nor was it a great way to wake someone up but convinced enough that i hurriedly got dressed grabbed my purse and told my kids dad what happened and to watch the kids.
When we approached my dad's house i noticed several cars that recognized to be my families cars at the time and started instantly freaking out. Walked into the house and sitting at the table was my grandma that was usually poised and dressed with hair and makeup done was sitting there in her raw form no make up curlers still in her hair and clothes that ive never seen her wear, then several other family members including my dads sisters and brothers and a few spouses along with my sister in law and her kids. In the front room was my dad sleeping on the couch as he has done several times with the televison playing some random show, but this time was different because he was not asleep he was dead and cops surrounded the front room awaiting the coroner. I asked if anyone has contacted my sister yet, and was told that they had and instantly felt numb and did not know what to do, how to act, if it was okay to cry or if i should give hugs. My sister inlaw was trying to get kids ready so i helped her with that task thinking it would help so that they can be removed from this scene, my uncles were outside doing something and my grandma yelled out in anger that this is what happens when you consistently drink and other things that i can not remember. My aunt went to go get coffee and to help my grandma make arrangements for his body, and i sat there in silence confused.
Fianlly got the okay to go in and say our good byes to my dad, i am one of those people that do not do this part but have been forced to in the past. This time was no different my aunt and my mother forced me to go in and say goodbye to him so i said it from accross the room thinking that would safice them enough to let me do something else anything else besides what i was currently doing. It did not i was told that i needed to sit next to him and say a proper goodbye, so as i sat there i started crying and sputtered out everything from please come back to bargaining with him and god to come back that we was not ready. I was peeled away and at that moment i was crying but more confused and then everything else became a blur and seemed to have blacked out because the next thing that i remember was the coroner putting my dad into a sleeping bag like thing and strapping him in and taking him to wherever dead people go.
In the days following his death was a whirlwind of emotions and people both sending their condolences via text messages, social media, and other means of communication. My sister and her family finally arrived to say their goodbyes to our dad/grandpa so we all met at the funeral parlor and they took my dad from a freezer so that they could say their last goodbyes and im sitting there thinking that this is way too much way too soon among many other thoughts/ feelings. To wrap up the week we had a celebration of life ceremony.
Come to find out that his death was something that could have been prevented, he has a stent put in his heart that made him sound like he has a watch inside his chest ( do not know right medical term). He knew that his days were limited with the stent and that they woud have to eventually replace it, i am still unsure of how long he knew that he was dying nor am i sure that his mom did not know as she was involved in some degree with his medications and doctor appointments and what not. So i think about all those facts often and think that the week before his death he may or may of not known about the certainty of his death, but he knew something because he was always tryng to get all of the family together that week. He may not have been the best dad, sure we had our arguments, fights (fist and all), good times sad times and times of joy were all mixed up inside it and although not perfect and probably not recognized by him as his daughter, but he was and still is my dad.
My kids often ask me about him and i tell him just that he may not have been a perfect dad, he had his moments and there was a lot of bad mixed in with good, but he still at the end of the day is my dad.