Look not at my face but listen to my existence. I am living my own suicide note.
|These are the words I cannot say to you. I am writing them fully aware that you will never read them.|
21 years of relation, yet you still do not know me. How sad.
At 29 you had your first taste of depression. Can you believe that I have been living with it since the age of I can not remember? Today it feels like I was born this way. I know I wasn't, but try telling that to my brain. Oh wait, don't tell it, it will reply. Except, you won't hear it, you can't even hear me and I have an audible voice.
How can you not see me when I am standing right in front of you? I said my goodbyes to you and you never even noticed. I needed you and all you could do was tell me how tired you were. Do you truly believe me to be as happy as I can't help but act like I am? Or are you purposefully ignoring everything that is right in front of you? Of the many times you've vented to me, is it not weird to you that I always have a smile on?
Every time you turn on the T.V or pick up your phone you tell me of the dangers of these diseases. You tell me about the symptoms. Hello?!!! I AM A BUNDLE OF THEM! Put down that phone and read me instead. You see it in him. Why can't you see it in me? Every time I try to tell you, you don't listen, you say some motivational nonsense you read somewhere and tell me that I'll be fine. I don't want your motivational words, I want you to listen to me, see me. If I were a song, would you hear me then? If I were a video, would you see me then?
I realise that I am being selfish right now, expecting you to waste your time on me when you have your own mess of a life. But I just want to be seen, I want you to see that I need help because I stopped wanting it a long time ago.
You came home telling me about this new song you heard, said it's about anxiety. I told you that I'd already listened to it:
1. Did you not see how I couldn't look at you when you spoke of it?
2. Did you not hear me in it? Really?
Why is it that I never ring any alarms in you? I told you all about mental illness long before you experienced it, yet even once you did, you didn't even ask how I knew so much about it.
Even with the many times I have hinted at it, you still don't see how much I hate my own reflection. How, I look at everyone else and see beauty with their imperfections, but look at myself and see nothing but everything I hate. You laugh about how I don't date and wonder about my sexuality. I laugh because how can I start any relationship as damaged as I am? It's ironic how all of you say I bring light whenever I am around, yet all I see, all I feel is darkness.
You know what makes it so painful for me?
The fact that I know you really love me. That, above all your ignorance, shatters me.