Look not at my face but listen to my existence. I am living my own suicide note.
|These are the words I cannot say to you. I am writing them fully aware that you will never read them.
21 years of relation, yet you still do not know me. How sad.
At 29 you had your first taste of depression. Can you believe that I have been living with it since the age of I can not remember? Today it feels like I was born this way. I know I wasn't, but try telling that to my brain. Oh wait, don't tell it, it will reply. Except, you won't hear it, you can't even hear me and I have an audible voice.
How can you not see me when I am standing right in front of you? I said my goodbyes to you and you never even noticed. I needed you and all you could do was tell me how tired you were. Do you truly believe me to be as happy as I can't help but act like I am? Or are you purposefully ignoring everything that is right in front of you? Of the many times you've vented to me, is it not weird to you that I always have a smile on?
Every time you turn on the T.V or pick up your phone you tell me of the dangers of these diseases. You tell me about the symptoms. Hello?!!! I AM A BUNDLE OF THEM! Put down that phone and read me instead. You see it in him. Why can't you see it in me? Every time I try to tell you, you don't listen, you say some motivational nonsense you read somewhere and tell me that I'll be fine. I don't want your motivational words, I want you to listen to me, see me. If I were a song, would you hear me then? If I were a video, would you see me then?
I realise that I am being selfish right now, expecting you to waste your time on me when you have your own mess of a life. But I just want to be seen, I want you to see that I need help because I stopped wanting it a long time ago.
You came home telling me about this new song you heard, said it's about anxiety. I told you that I'd already listened to it:
1. Did you not see how I couldn't look at you when you spoke of it?
2. Did you not hear me in it? Really?
Why is it that I never ring any alarms in you? I told you all about mental illness long before you experienced it, yet even once you did, you didn't even ask how I knew so much about it.
Even with the many times I have hinted at it, you still don't see how much I hate my own reflection. How, I look at everyone else and see beauty with their imperfections, but look at myself and see nothing but everything I hate. You laugh about how I don't date and wonder about my sexuality. I laugh because how can I start any relationship as damaged as I am? It's ironic how all of you say I bring light whenever I am around, yet all I see, all I feel is darkness.
You know what makes it so painful for me?
The fact that I know you really love me. That, above all your ignorance, shatters me.