by Whit Emerson
This is an entry I wrote in the midst of chaos during my life.
| I am writing this today with a deeply wounded heart and a lost soul. I've moved out of my parents, yet they still seem to try and control me. I walk into the house and there is nothing but shame, deceit, guilt, regret, fear, and arrogance. The fake smiles greet me at the door because that's what family does. No true reassurance or true understanding. You can study all you would like; however, what good is a nurse with knowledge but never practices. The words that slue out of your mouth are that of a politician. Charismatic yet no depth or intention of pursuing promises. They say, "It's a safe place. No need to run." Behind those words are a fox seeking it's own ambitions. A slithering snake full of lies and deceit for when you enter your eyes are covered with a dark veil to hide the reality of evil. A tainted veil that seals onto your face like a suction cup. Everyone outside the prison can see the evil and torture happening, but because you have that veil you can't see what the rest of the world sees. Once being freed of the veil there is still residue that only comes off with perseverance and running as far as you can from the devil in disguise.
On top of all of the chaos that is considered my blood, there seems to be more chaos swirling around me like a hurricane. My dreams have intensified to the extreme of them turning into realities. The things people say in my dreams are the things people hide from me because of fear. Fear of being misunderstood. Fear of being left behind for the brokenness that they are. My dreams become reality but not in full form. Deep pain going through my dreams. Pain of not only my own but also the pain of others. Some of extreme value and importance in my life. And some who were in my past.
I believe I've found my other half. The one who brings out the best and worst side of me. The one who reflects a mirror back to show me what I truly fail with and need to fix. The one who despite everything hurricaining is my comfort. His sweet embrace I never want to leave. The person who I can fully be myself without any consequences. We have such a deep connection and incredible chemistry. Something that I've never felt. Its entirely different from everything else. However, life never likes to give me easy quests. Life always seem to push me past my breaking point into a state of past fears and decisions too hard to choose. Pursue or let go? Every time I think of letting go. There is a sign telling me to stay. How much longer of this torture?
I feel like a wandering lost soul in this dark a gloomy world. Everyone has mastered the game of professional acting. Those who have been through the most tragic pain smile the brightest because the world has shifted its view. Those who have mental struggles are looked down as weak. The suicide rate has gone up increasingly with society's standards becoming higher and higher. We are left scrounging for tools that may not even be the right ones. While we live in one of the most well maintained countries, our hearts our lost. So many of these poor souls have sought happiness out in material and follows instead of in themselves and appreciating everything they have. It breaks my heart to stare into someone's eyes knowing it's a show. Knowing they cant dare show their true selves because of rejection. While we are moving into accepting LGBTQ+ we still like acceptance of the person we are in the inside. Those with pain and sorrow. Love is dry in this world of material and everything shining. It needs brought back. Because only understanding each others struggles, showing love and kindness will truly fix this poor broken world.