yup yup boys and girls this is the rabbit hole I'm going down today
|Recently I've been wondering: am I really scared to be alone? I feel lonely often, for no reason at all - might someone say. I went thru a breakup recently which is a part of life and we rarely saw each other and I've been happier without him, but since I gave myself the permission to yearn for company I've been yearning a lot. I want company every day, i want to spend my moments with someone who gets me and is easy to be with.
There was one guy - lets call him Dragon - who I've loved even before my most recent relationship. I wasn't sure what we were at the time we met two years ago. At first it was sex while I had my engagement rings on, then it was sex between two single people, then it wasn't anything for a long time. I kept thinking about him, but the fifteen years between us kept me on my toes. I wanted his heart then but he had some stuff to figure out and none of us said anything even tho it was clear as day as I recall it now.
When we reconnected I was confused, blind. I had my mind set on my current (and most recent) relationship but soon realized that wasn't for me. Dragon helped me get my head out of my ass and gain myself back. He made me feel beautiful, worshiped even. We were close and I was where I had always wanted to be.
But soon that changed. He got scared and took a step back waiting for me to come get him, but i refused to fight. That has always been my problem as a woman and as a victim of abuse and manipulation. I refused to tell him I love him and that I need him close to me. i didn't want to be played again and just stayed where I was, giving him space and open arms to come back to.
For a while everything was perfect and when I looked at him I felt what I've always wanted to feel with someone. Then, he disappeared. He simply disappeared, I got scared and contacted his family. I got so scared he'd had a stroke or something lethal. I was scared, I cried and tried calling him without answer. I called the police and almost 48 hours without contact I got hold of him. Understandably, he got scared. But he got way too scared. He didn't understand how scared I was for him and he built walls around him. It's been four days since then and I haven't heard anything from him. I'm so scared. Abandonment, broken promises and utterly wasted feeling and tears. He doesn't approve of me anymore, wants nothing to do with me anymore. Some moments I feel like this was the perfect excuse for him to run away from his feelings. He's scared of love due to his history and I get that - but to take it out on me right now is wrong.
I want us back the way we were, but it feels impossible. I don't know how he feels right now, but I'm ready to let go. This feels like a game I'm forced into and I really don't want to play. But at the same time I don't want to let go yet if things turn out good. I'm so torn and I'm so not ready to go thru with this situation. Pushing him will make things worse, but I'm tired and done. So utterly done.