Dealing with a loss of a personal loved one.
|As the time goes by, I often wonder how would life be if you were still here? I miss the good times that we've shared. I miss my best friend. I miss the man that I looked up to. Even though you weren't my biological father, it sure felt like it. You been there for me since I was going on 9 years old. You weren't perfect, but as they say Dad you sure was worth it. You always made sure everyone was taking care of. You were a perfect father figure. Dad you were everything to me. I remember how happy you were when I gave birth to Yasmin. Boy oh boy did you love her so much. You did everything you could for her even when we moved. I will make sure that Yasmin remembers you. No matter what!
Even though majority of the time I was in the wrong you always told me everything was okay and that I shouldn't worry. When everyone was against me, when everyone judge me, when everybody disagreed with my ways, You Dad, You was there. You made sure I knew how much I was loved. No matter if it didn't come out of everyone else's mouth, I knew that you loved me, I knew that you believed in me, and I also knew that you would never give up on me. Its so many things, so many things that was left unsaid. I often wish that I could go back in time before that time came up. I wish that I would've told you how much you meant to me. I never wanted it to come to all of this.
I never wanted you to leave. The whole time I was down here I wanted to come see you. I wanted my dad so bad. I was going through hell, but yet and still I was sure that I was going to see my Dad once again. God had other plans. You were my rock, my ride or die as they would say, my diary, most importantly you were my father. You picked me up every time I felt down, each time that I wanted to give up on life alone, when I felt like it was no hope. All I did know was that I could call you, I could call my best friend. Yes, you were my Dad, but you always put that to the side when I really needed it! April 24th,2017 was the day that I completely lost it. We weren't talking due to me not coming like I was supposed to. I'm sorry. That very day in the morning I got a phone call from my grandmother saying that you were gone. I couldn't shake it, I didn't want to believe it. I called my mom and she said she could tell that you were no longer here, but I didn't want to give up on you. I prayed that you would come back, I prayed that you would make it, I prayed that you would talk to me again and that I would hear your voice. I remember you coming to me telling me its okay.
Just because you told me it was alright, I knew it wasn't. I wanted you, I wanted my father back, I wanted my friend back. I thought my life was already going downhill, but after you left it was worst then I could ever imagine. Only good thing that came out of it were that it opened my eyes to life, even though it did take a while. You brought me and mommy closer together and I thank you for that. No matter how much time goes by I can't forget you, I can't take the fact that you're not here anymore. I can't take the fact that I can't have my best friend back. As the time goes by, I just wish that I could hear you tell me that your proud of me, I wish that I could hear you tell me that you loved me again, I wish you could tell me that everything was going to be alright. I try to keep all my pain and hurt inside but, I still tend to break down in silence. I cry out for you, every time I'm hurting, and when I want to give up on life I cry out for you, every time I feel lost and every time I feel alone I cry out for you. I cry out for you because I know that you would know just the right thing to say. You know how to get me back to myself.
After you left my world fell apart. No matter how many times I try to keep a smile on my face I'm hurting deep inside because I lost a part of me, I lost my heart, I lost my best friend. As I write this I'm hurting more and more because I never really realized how much you meant to me. Yes, I know you meant a lot to me, but I never knew how hard it would be to really face it. To really face the fact that I can't see my Dad, I can't talk to you like I used to, I can't confide in you like I used to. Every time you come to me you tell me its okay, but honestly its not. I'm not okay and I would never be okay. You kept me sane, you kept me hoping for another day. Times when I feel like taking the easy way out you come to me and tell me don't worry but the thing is, I cannot not worry. When you left you took a part of me with you. It bothers me to say this but no matter how much I laugh and smile, I feel so dead inside. I can't cope with it. I can't cope with the fact that you're not here.
Yes, your always with me. Yes, I always hear you but its not the same. It's not the same when you I finally realized that you're not coming back. I finally realized that you're gone and this time it's for good. I try to go on with life, but I can't. I feel like this hit me the hardest, you don't understand how much impact you had on my life. The fact that you're not coming back kills me more and more every day. If anybody could understand my pain, it's you! I feel so numb and dead inside it's sad. I know you wouldn't like that, but I hope you could understand. I know if you were here you would tell me to stop saying that I have so much to live for and the truth is I feel like I don't. What's the point of being here, if my best friend isn't? I just want to know why did you have to leave so soon? Why didn't you tell anybody? Most of all why you never told me? It's so many questions I want to ask you but, in all reality, when will I ever get the chance. When would I be able to tell you how much I love you, When would I be able to tell you how much you meant to me, When would I be able to tell you how much you meant to us as a family, when would I be able to tell you most importantly how I thank you for everything .