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Rated: E · Monologue · Relationship · #2187755
some people wanted me to publish the truth...well here it is. too little too late
The door shut behind me. The porch I loved suddenly felt very cold to me. I took a few steps and stopped, I felt her hand on my shoulders, I turned around and saw her standing there. It was the look on her face, that filled me with a feeling I had never felt before.
I could see her heart was breaking as I watched it crumbled away. I didn't really want to leave, I didn't feel like I had any other choice in the matter. I wasn't happy in the relationship, neither was she and we both knew it. I stuck to my guns.
I turned and walked off that porch. I saw the tears flowing down her cheeks like rivers carving a new ravine. I knew she was destroyed, there was no way she would have been the same ever again, I knew it and yet I did it anyway.
I had cheated on the one woman in the world who stood by me through everything. She had always said that I was always looking for the grass being greener on the other side of the fence, well, I am here to tell you that it truly isn't and never will be.
It wasn't till later that she told me she felt like she lost her best friend, I know that feeling all too well, as I felt like that too. I got in my car and drove over to my parent's house, it was the only place I could go.
“what happened?” she asked as I walked in carrying a bag filled with clothing seemingly for an extended stay.
Well, I told her the truth, I held nothing back, that I cheated on her, and hurt her. I felt like the only option for making me better was to be alone for a bit, whether I was right or not, I don't know. It felt right, it felt good, at least then it did.
What you don't know is that was nearly three years ago, and I still do miss her. Was it the right thing to do? Still, don't know if it was right.
I guess life had a lesson to teach me, and it felt like it taught me with a hammer right upside the side of my idiot's head. As the lesson continued even after the one I cheated on her with, and even left her for, had used me and left me alone.
So now you see it all, the truth is that I took a chance on the greener grass on the other side, thinking this other person would be the right choice for me, and I come to find out she used me to get her out of a bad situation, then once she got to a different situation turned everything I went through back on me.
After she had turned her back on me, I knew I had made a really bad, unchangeable, undeniably wrong choice. I felt like a fool. The feeling that I was used for something the deep, convincing me that she really felt something for me, or that she even cared about me was totally betrayed and I was devastated. I became severely depressed, even thought of killing myself over this.
Do you think either one of them would have cared what I felt, or what I did? no. But I have to deal with this as this was something I created. I brought this to life and there are consequences for everything in life.
So now there are two bridges, actually thinking about this there are a lot more than 2 bridges burned with this. One day I will make an account for these actions, I know. I'm not really wanting to do this, as there is nothing I can say to make this right or repair the damage I have done.
At least she will still talk to her, even though I can't say anything to the girl I cheated on her with. As I don't speak to her, or even know what she is doing now. Nor do I even care.
This is me, I am not a good man, but I am learning to be. I am a work in progress.
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