On a drunken night, Cole confesses something. But Calvin can't accept it.
Was this going to be an awkward night? I had to stop thinking that way. It had been almost a month and both of us should be over it by now. I convinced myself of that and happily poured the chips into the bowl. After Cole got out of class, he came straight here. To be honest, I was half expecting for him to call and cancel. I’ve seen it happen to some of my other friends, so I was waiting for it. So, when he walked in the door and smiled at me, I couldn’t help but smile back. He always had to smile at me like that. This boy didn’t even know what he was doing to my poor heart. Cole saw the bowl of chips on the counter and reached for it the same time I did. Our hands made contact. What once was a simple touch was now a moment of nervousness and anticipation. Cole and I made eye contact. What was this look he was giving me? I pulled my hand away after a few seconds when Cole didn’t. “Sorry about that,” I said trying to laugh it off.
“No prob,” Cole said and grabbed a chip. “So, what are watching tonight?”
“Dude, chew with your mouth closed, please?” I asked disgusted. “I got us Venom.”
“Oh, are you serious?” Cole said excitedly. He had wanted to see this movie for a while, and was disappointed that he missed it when it was in theaters. So, I thought it’d be perfect for tonight.
“Plus,” I started, “I got Call of Duty III.”
Cole’s jaw dropped. Yep, I did good. Suddenly, his arms went around my neck and he hugged me happily. At first, it was just a regular embrace between two friends. But I didn’t want to let go. I wanted to hold him as lovers would. I knew I couldn’t though. But when we pulled away, Cole only did slightly, and we were face to face with each other. He was so close! Did he forget that I like him or something? “Sorry,” Cole apologized sheepishly. “I just got really excited.”
“Sure, but, could you step away from my face please?” I asked.
“Oh, y-yeah, yeah,” he said and finally backed away from me. “Sorry, I forget.”
Something was up. He wasn't acting really strange. He went to sit down on the couch and I followed suit.
I missed these nights – hanging out, drinking beer, stuffing our faces, talking about everything and nothing at all – I was so happy this happened. Of course, by the time the night was over, Cole and I were pretty wasted. I looked over next to me to see Cole dozing off. “Bedtime,” I garbled, as I lifted up Cole and put one of his arms around my neck.
Having a drunk trying to help another drunk was not the wisest decision. We both struggled trying to get the door open. Once we did, we both fell onto the bed and laughed. We looked at each other and smiled. “Cal, why do you like me?” Cole slurred.
My heartbeat quickened a bit. Normally, I would try to avoid the question. But with my mind impaired as it was, the words flowed out easily. “Because you see me as me,” I whispered. “I never have to pretend with you. I never have to be perfect. You like me just the way I am, flaws and all. I don’t have many people like that in my life. I feel most comfortable when I’m around you. I don’t know. There are a lot of things I guess. Why are you asking?”
He shrugged and smiled again. “I guess I just never saw you liking someone like me,” he admitted.
He removed his hand that was resting behind is head and let it land in between us. It happened to fall upon my own hand. I looked down as I felt the warmth on my skin. Not being able to think completely straight, I laced my fingers with his. What was happening? Why was Cole staring at me like that? This wasn’t right. We were both really drunk. I’m probably just reading too much into everything. That’s when I felt Cole’s hand remove itself from mine, and placed on my cheek. The look in his eyes; he looked so serious.
“Calvin,” he started, sound nervous. “There’s something going on with me.”
I couldn’t say anything. I didn’t know how to respond to what was going on. “It’s been going on ever since you kissed me,” Cole continued. “Actually, longer than that. Every time I see you, my heart beats faster. I want to be near you always. I don’t like it when other girls or boys flirt with you. I’ve always felt that way, but I thought I was just being an overprotective friend. But lately, it’s changed a little bit.”
“Cole—“ I tried.
“Let me finish this, please,” he pleaded. “I’m afraid if I don’t say it now, I won’t say it when I’m sober.”
I gulped and only nodded. The atmosphere felt so weird. It was giving me anxiety. I felt like I was going to pass out at any time. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath waiting for him to continue. “Ever since you kissed me, I’ve wanted to touch you, like I am now. I wanted to hold you close to me. I wanted to run my fingers through your hair. And I’ve wanted to…”
He trailed off, and his hand traveled down and stopped on my chest. He had never talked like this before about anyone else, not even Angela. But he was saying these things to me. His face started to draw closer. I pulled away slightly. “Cole, I don’t think this is a good idea,” I objected.
“But…don’t you want to kiss me again?” He asked in such a sexy voice I almost lost control. “I want to kiss you again.”
That’s when he pulled me in, pressed his hand on the back of my neck, and crashed his lips on mine. I was done. My heart exploded in cheers as he made our bodies press against each other. I could feel every muscle ripple as he moved his hand to my hair. I knew in the back of my mind this probably was the worst thing to do, especially in our current condition, but I couldn’t stop. In that moment, I didn’t care about anything else. I was trapped in a moment with no consequences or second guesses. The only thing on my mind was Cole.
I couldn’t believe it. Here I was kissing the guy I’ve loved since freshman year, and he was willingly kissing me back. It quickly grew into a passionate make out. I rolled over so I was lying on top of him, and continued to kiss him. My heart was screaming yes, but my head was screaming no. Too bad that my heart drowned out any doubt that might have been.
As we continued, I felt is hand glide up my stomach to my chest and I shuddered involuntarily. I should be stopping this. That’s what I was trying to tell myself. We were both drunk. He would regret this in the morning. Wouldn’t he? His hand explored my back and, unexpectedly, my shirt went flying across the room. Senses came flooding back to me at once. I pulled away abruptly and sat up. Cole gave me a curious look. “What’s wrong?” Cole asked.
“We shouldn’t do this,” I said and tried to get off of him.
Cole grabbed my wrist preventing me from going. “Don’t you want this?”
“Of course, but this isn’t you,” I said. “You’re really drunk. Not only that but you have a girlfriend. Do you really want to ruin that over some…experiment?”
His narrowed down at me. “An experiment? Is that what you think this is?”
I shrugged my shoulders. I was getting frustrated. I didn’t know exactly why though. “So, you’re telling me you’re bisexual too? Or just all around gay? Do you want to date me and kiss me in public, and hold hands like lovers do? Would you still wanna stay with me when people start hating you just because you’re different than them? Could you handle that every day? And what about your friends and parents? Imagine their face when you tell them you're dating a guy. Are you going to be able to handle the disappointment in their eyes if they don't accept it? Would you still, even then, wanna be with me?”
I was being harsh, I know. But I had to get my point across. He wasn’t gay. He was just drunk and wasn’t thinking right. I sighed in frustration. Why? Why was I giving excuses to myself? Cole let go of my wrist and casts his eyes down. My heart beat hard against my chest. That’s when I realized how desperately I wanted him to say yes. But no words were spoken. I couldn’t bear it anymore. This was too much. If I didn’t leave, I would start crying. I couldn’t let him see me like this. I grabbed my shirt and as my hand hit the knob, I heard Cole whisper, “That’s right. Just an experiment to me; that’s all it will ever be.”
I turned the knob, and walked out of Cole’s room, leaving the shattered pieces of my heart behind.