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Printed from https://www.Writing.Com/view/2188332
Rated: E · Monologue · Comedy · #2188332
Be careful how you use it...
"Gimme a head with hair
Long beautiful hair
Shining, gleaming
Streaming, waxen, flaxen"

...and it was all held PERFECTLY in place with AquaNet, that iconic purple can with the cafeteria-worker 'net' covering it...the aerosol version of duct tape. While the counter-culture movement of the 60's was inflaming our country, with social and political unrest shaking its very foundation, a guy's biggest individual concern was the chick-induced vanity: how do I keep my hair in place without Brylcreem? When 'a little dab WON'T do ya' with the new, much longer "dry" look? The answer, of course, was AquaNet...

I recall picking my date up one Friday night after a tropical storm had moved through the area and the winds were still pretty high. As we stepped out of the car, a particularly strong gust transformed my carefully-combed hair into a Harpo Marx wig while my date's dress flapped sharply in the wind like a spinnaker sail in the America's Cup...but her hair didn't budge. At all. It was like 'The Day The Earth Stood Still'. I was still in awe as we entered the theater and I asked her what her secret was. "Oh...just a little AquaNet." I soon shared this with my two brothers and we went through Mom's brand-new can in a couple of days. I could hear her in the bathroom, the agitator noisily rattling around in the empty can as she angrily mumbled words we normally never heard from her. The very next can was kept 'off-limits' in her bedroom, forcing me to do the one thing that has struck fear into the hearts of all men since Adam first blushed as he inadvertently saw Eve functionally readjusting her fig leaf...the public purchase of a feminine-related product...

A recent Gallup poll verified that 98.6% of men would willingly endure a mid-life circumcision than to get that dreaded call on the way home from work: "Honey...would you mind stopping by WalMart and picking up a box of _______ for me?" (GULP! And I forgot my sunglasses this morning!) Going into the 'Womens Department' at ANY store feels EXACTLY like crossing no-man's land into enemy territory. In any other place, women who would normally smile at a man now assault you with withering looks of steely-eyed suspicion: "WHY are you HERE?" And you fully expect to be stopped and detained at any moment by a stout-shouldered woman with a thick German accent asking that chilling question, "May I see your papers?" Consequently, a guy who would normally take apart and reassemble a battleship before he even THOUGHT about buying it now sprints down the aisle like Usain Bolt in the 4x100m relay and, reaching back blindly for the baton, he frantically grabs the ONE box without a bar code. This brings GREAT joy to the heavy-set, peroxide-blonde working the express checkout, a sullen, obnoxious woman you've always taken WAY too much obvious pleasure in being sarcastically-snarky with. Her eyes dance in victorious delight as she gleefully announces over the P.A. in her flat, nasal voice for all the civilized world to hear: "I NEED A PRICE CHECK ON ULTRA-ABSORBENT JUMBO MAXI-SHIELD TAMPONS ON REGISTER 9!" All eyes in the store are now upon you...you may as well be standing there buck-nekked as you hang your head and guiltily mumble those brilliantly-clever words, "Uhhh....they're for my wife."

But I digress...back to our product. I invite you to look through any high school yearbook from the 50's-80's and you will see the evolution, in every conceivable variation, of 'Big Hair' in all its glory, every hair on every page firmly welded in place, climbing to Heaven like the Tower of Babel. A vast array of hirsute creations made possible ONLY by the liberal application of AquaNet. Its power to completely immobilize basically ANYTHING was legendary. I remember one time I was chasing my little brother around the house, intending his demise, when I finally had him cornered in the bathroom. Like a trapped animal desperately seeking any means of escape, he grabbed the AquaNet off the counter and gave me a face full. It immediately glued one of my eyes completely shut and the other eye completely open. I looked so bizarre that we both immediately forgot what I was mad about as we stood there with open mouths staring in the mirror at my newly-acquired Frankenstein look. We spent the rest of the day going around the neighborhood to all our friends' houses where I would lay down on the porch with arms halfway outstretched and pretend I was one of those broken dolls whose eyes won't close properly when you put them to bed. When I said "MMMA-MA", they would snort the cokes they were drinking through their noses as they fell down and rolled around the porch in helpless laughter...

Then there was the time my sister Susan was sitting cross-legged on her bed, lost in a fantasy while gazing dreamily at a picture of Bobby Sherman (BIG HAIR) in 'Teen' magazine while a fly buzzed incessantly around her head. Without even losing eye contact with Bobby, she casually reached for her ever-present can of AquaNet and gave the pest a short blast. It fell straight to the floor and didn't move again. I knew it wasn't exactly dead...just in some kind of suspended animation...sort of like when Dorothy and the Scarecrow stumbled upon the Tin Man on their way to Oz...

Although completely lost and overshadowed today in a tidal wave of so VERY hip and MUCH sexier products, it faithfully sits on the bottom shelf in the 'Womens Department' at your local drug store even now, patiently awaiting your purchase. Always ready to serve past and future generations in a way that its light-weight, sissified counterparts can never do...the 'Rambo' of hairsprays. So whatever your need may be: whether it's maintaining PERFECT hair long after your body had turned to dust, reattaching your car's rear bumper, or stopping a charging rhino at the local safari park, just remember....NOTHING BUT 'NET!

PLEASE NOTE: For the health-conscious...the above text is gluten free...

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Printed from https://www.Writing.Com/view/2188332