A diary entry about the start of falling out of love & picking up the pieces after failing
| I just need to NOT call him. Not text him. No communication. I used to be the QUEEN of playing guys off each other and ignoring them for days while I just stuck my fangs in someone else; but now my phone barely rings. I guess loneliness can also be called monogamy. Now there’s no more apologies, no crying, no begging him to take me back, no fighting, and no more ruthless comments. There’s no one and silence is a scary thing.
Did I say everything that I needed to say?
That’s sort of like walking into Target for a few things and walking out with a cart full. Did I get everything I needed to get? Probably. Did I forget a thing or two in the midst of my aimless wander? Definitely. But the damage has been done (and then some) and now Im so preoccupied with the shit that I did say, sorry! I mean the shit that I did get into my cart! that I can’t worry about what didn’t.
Isn’t it funny to think of what people are really like behind closed doors? because we come off as the normal-est two people. You would never know that the majority of my relationships I’ve been a sugar baby and he has a wicked, vial temper. You would never know about the lies he's told & you would only sympathize with our “normal”. My normal is being called a whore and a trick. No affection, no intimacy, no touching in our “relationship”. Lending him hundreds, if not thousands of dollars. Someone who just wants to take, take, take, & manipulate. It’s being lied to and kept in the dark. It’s my boyfriend leaving in the middle of the night and flying to another country without telling me and the only way I know is by checking the credit card transactions… of a card thats in my name.
Normal is conforming to a standard: usual, typical, or expected, and that was ours. The only difference today was I wasn’t the one being talked at, I was the one doing the talking.
I told him it was funny that he grew up to be his father. I clarified that my comment was about both him AS a father AND his actual father. He never had a relationship with his dad because his father walked out on his mother before he was born. I told him he was a waste. Broke. Used words I normally wouldn’t. You fire off bullets when you're mad but you have to feel the burn when you're not, dear diary! so I need to be strong and stand by the level it’s at now.
This isn’t the first time we’ve broken up, so when you get to this point where you're constantly having these little breakups, TIME becomes of the essence. He told me I couldn't last for more than a few hours without texting him! I think about a day or so is normal now and we’re about three hours in.
At this point it probably seems that I’m the one to blame but so far all you know about me is that I used to be a sugar baby and I lost my temper this morning with my boyfriend. I guess I should get used to calling him my ex-boyfriend. He was supposed to come over yesterday because I texted him in the AM. I was sick- even when he called he could hear how raspy my voice was from a sore throat. I was having cold sweats, every muscle in my body was sore, and I could barely move.I just wanted my boyfriend. I pulled my lower back out working out the day before and I could barely pick up our six and a half month old son, who was also feeling under the weather.
I mentioned we had a six and a half month old son, right? The same boyfriend that takes off for weeks, visits a few hours a month, and borrows money OFF ME, I also share a son with. He claims to be Father of the Year but my truth is that our son doesn’t even know who he is. I never asked him to drive me to the hospital, I understood he didn’t want to be in the room during the delivery, for whatever reason he couldn't stay the night with me in the hospital, even though the three other moms in the hospital room had their husbands. He showed up with a single pack of wipes and a 32 pack of diapers. That was all we had. I took NO time to recover. Stitches and all, he had me buckling our son in and out of the car to deliver him food the next day. I can count the number of diapers he has changed, maybe not on one hand, but definitely two. I’ve never asked him to get up in the middle of the night to feed the baby. I ask for almost nothing and get even less so when I BEGGED him to come yesterday, told him I NEEDED him to be here and help me, it was not something I did often. Ever.
& he didn't show up.
So this is my ongoing love story because I’m stuck with him for the next seventeen and a half years. We were just two kids with the same hometown before he moved to the big city and I ended up in the country, hours apart. I turned down doctors and entrepreneurs for him because I thought he was everything I had ever dreamed of. I dated bad boys but he was never supposed to be one of them. I thought maybe I would be able to justify his secrecy if there was money and we could get a home. But there’s not and I finally realize that we aren’t.
However this story unfolds will be a story for sure, but I need this to be the end. I need my heart to let go and stand by everything I said to escape this absurdity that I never wanted as my normal. I put $800 on MY credit card that HE maxed out. I paid almost $700 for a flight that was supposed to be $300 and he was supposed to pay me back. He charged my credit card for $200 for a hotel when I was six months pregnant and had worked cleaning houses all day. Imagine a man doing ALL THAT to you and STILL wanting to text him! Thats what I mean about not knowing what people are like behind closed doors! Because 10/10 people would swear UP and DOWN that I would never stand for that sort of behaviour from a man and could do better.
Yet here I am, writing my ongoing love story, after having a chance with some of the most amazing men that I could have ever dreamed of, I’m writing about a man who would sabotage my ENTIRE life even though I raise his son alone.
The last thing he said to me this morning was, “U sick fuck telling me I’m stealing shit. You fucking trick shut your mouth and good night. I get you your money in due time. Since u have no use for nothing else keep your diaries.”
He did steal from me. In this quiet little world where I’m in complete anonymity and can say when I was BROKE and pregnant with his child (because he made me quit my job, more on that later), when I had almost NO money, he STOLE from me the very little that I did have. He took cash I left lying around, used my cards to pay for his gas, all while BRAGGING to me about all his money, his three condos, and flying all over the world. I was struggling to make sure I had enough money to pay for the necessities that included taking care of his son. I didn’t know if I would be able to pay for diapers and he was sending me videos swimming in the Almalfi Sea.