Warning, sensitive subject inside Val tells Steve why they haven't had sex yet
The time has come
"It's been over a year and we still haven't slept together, I more than want you, I NEED you. I think I've been pretty patient. What is it? Do you not find me attractive?" Steve asks.
"I want to hun, I really do, I just-." I want to explain it to him, I really do. 'I think I really love him.'
"Don't you trust me? After all this time?"
"I'm afraid Steve! I'm terrified you'll leave me damit!" I sit down at my kitchen table facing away from him with my head in my hand's tears, welling up in my eyes. 'Don't start crying now; this happened a long time ago. Just tell him what happened and push these thoughts away like you always do.' I haven't had to think about this in a long time and I was hoping to keep this my secret. He shouldn't have to bear this burden with me.
"I won't leave you I promise. I give you a freebie here and I can tell you that I won't leave you."
He tried to put his hands on my shoulders. I pulled away. 'Don't touch me! Not right now!' As soon as he did I started to cry.
Stooping down next to me. "Look at me. Please just look me in the eyes, you know me. I won't do it."
'Just tell him, maybe he will just leave it alone. Damit, no he won't, he'll just want to talk about it. Get it together Val. Get it together and tell him. But I don't want him to have to know, but I know he won't leave me alone until I tell him.'
"Steve, sit down." I take a deep breath and prepare myself to revisit old memories. 'It shouldn't be that bad, I just tell him in one sentence and then see what he has to say.' "You have to promise me that you won't get up and get mad."
"I can do that, I promise."
'Just do it, it's now or never.'
"About four years ago I became bi-sexual, as you know. I have never told you why and I'm glad you didn't ask." 'Just tell him!' "It was right about that time." I start to cry again. "That I got raped." 'Now shut up and just let him do his thing. Don't be picturing it, think of good things God he's awfully quiet and the look on his face isn't telling me anything, his eyes are closed! Oh my God! He's going to leave me!'
"That explains a lot dear. First I want to tell you straight up that I am NOT going to leave you. "Of this, I swear."
I start crying right there at the table. It's such a relief to hear that, it's like a huge weight has been lifted off my chest and that black feeling in my gut went away. But he didn't stop at that.
"Secondly, you never asked for that and you sure as hell didn't deserve that." He reached across the table to grab one of my hands, I let him hold it. Now I just want him to hold me. I know he would never hurt me in any way. I pull his hand closer and he stands up and walks over to embrace me. He held me tight while I cried on his shoulder.
"I have to go to work hun. Thank you." 'God I'm glad he stayed. This couldv'e been so horrible, why didn't I trust him to begin with?'
"Call in. You're in no shape to go to work right now and I haven't been called into work today, apparently, they don't need a sub today. Just call in and take a day, when was the last time you called in?"
'He is right I haven't taken a day off in months, but no. If I get back to work I can just get this off my mind.'
"I can't dear. I need to get this off my mind, quickly." 'God I hope he doesn't want to talk about it-'
"I think we should talk, at least a little bit."
'Shit! I knew it, now what do I do?'
"I don't mean that we should talk about what happened, no, no, no. I just think we need to air it out a little that's all. It might help; it always helps me when I have problems." He said interrupting my thoughts. "The convenience store isn't going anywhere and neither is your job. And I promise I won't ask about any details ok?"
'Maybe talking to him will help us out a little, after all, what did I expect him to do when I told him. If I go to work it just gives him more time to think of more questions to ask me.'
"Okay, I can stay home today, lemme just call the store here. Okay, it's all done. This is the only time we talk about this and it doesn't leave this house. You know my number one house rule. Say it out loud, this one is especially important."
"I know I know. What's said in this house stays in this house." He said.
"Good." I go and sit down on the couch and he follows. I keep my distance from him because if he tries to hug me I might go off again, I'm an emotional wreck right now. 'I am not looking forward to this conversation; I hope it's over soon.'
"So all those times that you were stand-offish it was because of that? I always thought it was my fault like I did something wrong."
"Oh my God dear. No. You never did anything wrong, it was all me, its always been me, I'm so sorry. I really want to make it up to you but I don't know if I can right now."
"That's okay for now Val, I completely understand, one more question for you, were you always bi-sexual or was that the start of it?"
"Basically that was the reason I went bi, yes. I just felt more comfortable around women, and Denise made me feel like it was as natural as rain." 'Oh great here comes another slew of questions, but at least this keeps his mind off the rape and on different aspects of me.'
"I'm glad you found someone who could help you in some way." He said, obliterating my thoughts. 'Wait what?! This was probably the most sensitive things he could have said to me. Usually, he would use this to try and make me laugh and that's exactly what I love about him, but now there's a new reason. He must be taking this really seriously.'
"I want you to know that I'm always here if you need to talk." He looked right in my eyes.
"I really appreciate that but I don't think I'll be doing that any time soon. Any more questions right now?"
"Yeah, have you ever thought about talking with someone about all this? I mean, like a therapist?" He said blowing my mind again.
"Uhm, no! That's not happening anytime soon! And this conversation is over!" I screamed as I get up to go to the kitchen. 'Aint no way I'm telling a complete stranger about my problem, especially that problem!'
He just sat in the living room quietly.
'Maybe someone like that would be good for us, but I don't want him knowing what happened and I'll probably have to go through it moment by moment. Nope, no!' I scream in my head. 'And who does he think he is dictating to me what I should be doing? Just because he's a Special Ed substitute teacher doesn't mean he knows what's best for me, then again, it kinda does, doesn't it.' I paced back and forth in my kitchen wearing out my floor while he just sits patiently on the couch. He knows I'll be back out soon. 'Why does he have to know me so well? I know that talking with someone will probably help both of us out and I want to become more physical with him, I just don't know how. Okay I'll go back out and entertain the idea of going to therapy with him, but only if it'll help us.' Still pacing I walk to the kitchen door to go out into the living room.
I get my grit and storm out of the kitchen to see him sitting on the edge of the couch, as soon as he sees me he stands up and I see that worried puppy dog face he gives me when he really wants something and I almost get infuriated with him.
"Lets me make one thing perfectly clear!" I said in a rage. "If we do this it's on MY terms, not yours!"
"That's preemptively understood, hun."
"Good, just so we're clear on that!"