Arguing for the innocent
Good Morning Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury. First, I want to thank you for your time and service here today. I will remind you that I am Attorney Dimwitty for the defense. I tell you this knowing full well that during this trial your minds have probably been blown away by the outrageous arguments and outright drama staged by my opponent. I have no doubt, that the legal tenants and yes, even the characters listed in this bizarre case have caused much confusion because of the circus performance in this prestigious court of law by Mr. Lippel, all in the name of justice. Tsk, tsk.
Please allow me just a moment to clarify our case and insert a few actual facts so grievously ignored by the state. The proof is in the pudding, as they say, and at the conclusion of this trial my client's innocence shall be solidified, just like the pool of pudding our poor victim was subjected to by some devious perpetrator, as we erroneously pursue this innocent man.
Our victim, Mr. Lemon Pop, drowned in a vat of chocolate pudding. The poor man's head was held under the viscous liquid by a cruel and wicked murderer. Details given to us by our very own medical examiner proved that the man suffered for more than twenty minutes before succumbing to his fate. Suffocated and forced to die in the chocolate while the murderer stood in the vat beside him, watching.
Something you may not know is that my client has listed on his medical alert bracelet, two severe allergies causing anaphylaxis. The first is cocoa, a substance found in all chocolate products. The second is yellow dye number five, found in this brand of pudding. We have submitted the medical records to verify his previous reactions to the items, as I have stated here today. My client is also lactose intolerant, yet Mr. Lippel would have you believe that he could survive while committing this murder. My client would have died himself if he had been anywhere near this pudding. He can't even eat pudding...much less swim in it!
Make no mistake, my client took no part in this heinous crime and you, the jury, are charged with the responsibility of looking towards the truth and declaring his innocence before the court. Please, I ask you to set my client, Mr. Milk Dud, free.
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