A review of the past 4-5 years of my life
"Sunday, July, 18 2004. I took my first breath, then 11 years later my parents realized what a mistake they had made." Ashley Laney
- INTRODUCTORY -
The big idea of life I think is just to have fun and not waste time waiting for what comes next. High School sucks, Middle School sucks, College Sucks, but you know what the longer you just wait to have fun and find your family then the more lonely you feel and the lower the chances get of you ever having fun and being the best version of you that you can be. I know I should be telling you that you are going to get through it and make it till the end but, I can't promise such a big promise. I have had many downs and attempted ending my life several times. This is all that I can promise you, life sucks, and it might not ever get better, but if you have fun your chances might get better.
My Dad Greg laney always tells me little stories of when I was little and had the largest love for creativity and making things on my own. I have always wanted to do great things but, I just don't have any great ideas to act on. Some of my greatest ideas were making my own birthday cake with sprinkles all over it. That cake didn't turn out horrible, but I ran out of sprinkles. I then forgot that my dads birthday was a week after mine so I thought I had to make him a cake since I was selfish enough to make myself a cake (mainly because nobody would bake me a cake anyway). The cake was supposed to be something totally different than it was (I forgot what), but it ended up looking like a mountain of shit with rotting green stuff on top, I don't even know. Clearly I should give up on all my asspirations. I have had a few ideas for books here and there also, but most of them ended up turning into ash. Ironically that is my nickname. Lol. Not even that funny though.
I occasionally get this feeling in the pit of my stomach that feels like something that I can't quite describe but I have always interpreted it as telling me that someone or something in my life isn't good for me and I need to make a change. So I closed every person that I ever felt this feeling around which is my best friend from 4th grade who was a lesbian, my best friend from middle school who is straight, and my friend from 7th and sorta 6th grade out of my life. But, for the past few months ever since I met the most amazing person ever that feeling just won't go away. I am beginning to think that this feeling inside of me isn't something I should be running away from it might actually the thing I have been searching for this whole time. Love.
My teenage years have been drowned in finding just one person who loved me and wanted to do anything and everything with me, just be the one that I can tell all of my deepest and darkest secrets to. Who can hear about all of my fantasies, good times, bad times, suicidal times, etc... I am just so hell bent on finding someone to hold me and tell me everything will be ok, and I am the most beautiful, amazing person in their life. Because I know it would be a lie if they said I was the most beautiful and amazing person they have ever met. I am not that amazing of a person just ask my siblings or my parents.
I don't really understand why I want to find love so badly but, what I do know is that the only person in my life right now that I actually feel 100% myself around seperate from my nerves is a senior named lets say... "Declan". Declan is so sweet and caring for everyone, and right when you first say "hi" he will be shy but after just a little conversation he can be funny and weird just like me which is what I enjoy the most, seperate from his looks. I know you are probably reading this Declan which isn't your name, but just so you know I can't say I am in love, but I can say that this feeling hasn't gone away since the day I snapchatted you about it. I also know that you don't really want to be with me and you probably feel the same way that you do about a certain somebody that asked you out too many times. I just can't control the way that I feel which I am sure you understand. Wow I hate how pushy I sound. I am so Selfish and controlling, why do I have to be this way!
I am writing this autobiography mainly for myself so that I can get a clear understanding of all of the shit going on in my mind, I also really just need something to do in my free time. From the start of middle school to this day I have gone through anxiety, depression, addiction, self-hate, trust issues, betrayal and much more. The only thing that keeps me going through all of this is my friends and I know I am no longer friends with two of them that has really helped me the most through this, but you know who you are so thank you soooooooo much for being my shoulder to cry on. I really mean it because depending on who the person is I really don't like being the shoulder to cry on.
Welcome to my bullshit autobiography/memoir, idfk anymore...... omg, kill me now.
- CHAPTER #1 -
~ THE INNOCENT MIND OF A CHILD ~
When you are a young kid you can't really understand what quotes like these really mean. I just thought she was talking about the chocolate but, now as a 14 year old I understand why my parents never liked showing films like Willy Wonka, Spongebob, or Madagascar, which might be an unobvious one. If you never noticed all of these films have their own way of adding dirty jokes in them or just as simple as using an acronym to add in something young minds just shouldn't hear. I never really understood any of these jokes but I do now, and I realized my parents should have been more careful about letting me watch that stuff. Even though I enjoyed Spongebob the most and still enjoy it today.
When I was the age 9 my siblings would ask me "Have you ever been turned on, Ashley?" and I never knew what it meant so of course my answer was the worst answer you could ever give at the age of 9 "yeah, of course! How could you live without it?" I am not even joking about this. I was 9 years old and I didn't know what being turned on meant. I always have felt left out of things and because my siblings were 2 and 3 years older than me I didn't ever understand most of the things they said, mainly because they were dirty jokes or trendy things that were going around in the middle school and high school. Which I never was the type to follow up on trends. To be honest, they are all really dumb stuff that teenagers just make up so that they have something to do when they are bored.
Anyway I guess my main question would be, When did you first watch porn? Your answer really won't do me much good if you are a guy only because I know a very large majority of boys start watching porn at the age of 12 or sometimes younger. I just want to understand how many girls start watching porn at the age of 12. I actually started earlier than that it was 11 when I first started which was a huge shock for my parents because my brother hasn't ever even viewed porn before. I actually do believe that is true, because I know you are thinking that he probably has I just don't know about it.
The story really begins on the first day of school in 6th grade. I had just moved to Maple Grove, MN and moved in with my dad's first girlfriend since my mom had left. My mom wasn't in my life for about 1 year when I was in 4th grade and some of 5th grade but she had just started to get to know me again. I wasn't at a very good place, I was nearing puberty, my dad was getting married to another woman, my brother had anger issues (still does), my sister was going through puberty and was a total bitch to me (what has changed though?). I just didn't understand adulthood yet and still don't understand it very well at 14. It was just worse when I started middle school because so much crap went on in that year and didn't know what to think of any of it I just wanted someone that could go through it all with me that actually cared about me. Yes this was the year I decided I need a man to be happy.
I made a new friend that first day named Annabelle Reineux (AKA Anna Rexine) and her best friend was Laurel Yenosa (AKA Leisan Yusupov). Laurel didn't actually become my friend until a month into the school year because I was a little afraid of her if i'm being honest. I enjoyed hanging out with Annabelle a lot because she was shy like me and enjoyed singing like me. This was rare for me to have, someone with similarities with me. Anna wasn't the problem but she was the cure for me at the time. She was the only person that really cared about my drama and everything about my life. I told her literally everything (well not going to the bathroom or anything weird but close). I also tried to be the best friend I could for her but out of as many friends as I have encountered in my teen years I never once had a friend that vented as much as me. She just never really shared much but that is okay.
Anna is an actress or will be an actress one day. She loves singing and acting so much. I actually auditioned to be in the first musical she has ever been in but, she and Laurel were both better singers than me. I guess I am okay at singing but when others are around my voice just shakes way too much. I was really mad at Laurel when this happened because she said that she would back out of it if I didn't make it in but of course she didn't because it wa a really big deal for her to just audition. I got over it eventually. The musical happened in 7th grade though not in 6th grade.
When I started watching porn was mainly when sex-ed started at the end of 6th grade. I always heard people talking about the size of their dicks and who they have fucked before, I just really didn't understand why I was the only one that didn't know how to have sex. Later, I found out that I didn't need to know at that time and nobody really knew how to do it they just talked like they do or have performed it. I found all that out after I had already destroyed my innocence with porn though. The first day of sex-ed I went to my moms house in crystal, mn and went onto my moms old phone which was now mine to use, it wasn't activated though. I just used youtube to search "how to have sex" I then found this educational video that was actually made for french people in their last year of grade school. I just watched it over and over again until I no longer felt like throwing up everytime it showed something explicit. I basically forced myself to be okay with pornography, which sounds bad.
I didn't stop with a stupid youtube video though, I became obsessed. I thought that everyone everywhere was supposed to watch porn and have sex all of the time. I never thought anything was wrong with it I honestly thought that it was normal to masturbate and do other things. I just thought that I was the only one in my grade that wasn't having actual sex. After youtube got boring and not helpful I found porn-hub and used that most of the time on my computer. I found out about Omegle which is a stranger video chat site. LOTS of dicks. I also found sites for prostitutes to film themselves and get money for it. I eventually got bored of porn though by the middle of 7th grade. I moved on to dating sites to actually find someone to have sex with me so that I was no longer the only person (or so I thought) that didn't have sex.
On the dating sites I didn't really do anything on them. I just set up an account and waited for people to send me a message. People wouldn't send messages. They would send pictures. Bad pictures. Ones that I didn't want to really look at for longer than a split second. I tried to talk to some of them then I gave in to some of the actually nice ones. I send nudes and stuff to them, yes at the age of 12. I felt disgusted everytime I just took my clothes off and didn't even take the picture, just thinking about it made me feel sick. But just like the porn I thought that it was normal and everybody did it so I forced myself into sending those pictures. I actually found snapchat before my trend obsessed siblings because the only thing I did in my free time was talk to older men online and most of them were probrobly old grandpas but lied and said they were 19 or something. Not that 19 is better. I very soon found out I was wrong all along. When my brother found out about all of it.
Branden Laney my brother loved playing minecraft and still does. I was the only child in my family to have a computer at the time so he always asked me if he could use my computer to play minecraft on it with his friends. I told him he couldn't several times but, because i'm not the type to bring the computer into the bathroom with me I left it on my bed while I went to the bathroom and my brother went into my room to use it. I am sure you know what he saw. My computer had a virus on it so all he saw was a lot of porn and shit popping up out of nowhere every split second. That is how bad the virus was. So of course my brother was super tech-savvy he made a deal with me, if I let him fix my laptop and play minecraft then he won't tell my parents what he saw but, because what I saw was so bad he gets to tell my sister Allison Laney who he can't promise won't tell my parents. So I am dumb enough, I was also terrified. I said yes to the deal. He sent pictures of the screen to my sister and spent the rest of that night arguing about whether what I did was so bad that my sister should tell my parents. I ended up winning the argument surprisingly.
The drama wasn't over though. The next weekend two of my cousins were spending the night at our house in Maple Grove and I wasn't totally convinced that Allison and Branden weren't going to say anything. I was paranoid almost the entire night and still to this day my cousins don't really understand why I was. Allison and Branden never said a word to them. I just assumed they did because my cousin Willow was making jokes about sucking a banana and stuff so I thought that she was trying to make dirty jokes so that I would feel uncomfortable but really she had no idea what had happened. I just wish I was smarter in the 6th grade and was able to keep it all together because my life would be perfect as far as i'm aware if I could just keep calm. My brother Branden was going to keep his word and not tell my parents but, I lied to them and just made things worse.
I was so paranoid that I told them that a guy at my school emailed me a whole bunch of porn and stuff and I had to download it all and watch it then send pictures of myself to him or he would tell the whole school what a whore I was. That was only a lie I made u though and in my eyes it was better that watching porn on my own free will but, my siblings new better and Branden showed my dad what I said during dinner and he asked me for my phone and called me into his bedroom and we had an hour long chat about why lying is bad and why watching porn is bad and all of that. I was just ignoring most of the conversation but that story that my dad told me about him lying when he was a teen keeps playing through my head each and everyday of my life. I can't get him out of my head. This was the week that made the rest of my teenage years a living hell.
I know I wrote this story in a large scatter but, I will fix it later and put it in a better sequence. It is just easier for me to write when I just type words onto the page until I can't think of anything more to say.