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Rated: E · Review · Reviewing · #2190769
Lesson 2 review
Hi!

I have just read the first chapter of your story. I love the premise - this whole idea of principalities of angels answering to higher authorities is intriguing. I'm curious to learn what is in the envelope Arok was given and the whole backstory behind this gathering and the general societal structure in which they live.

Saying that, I feel you could have made the narration a lot smoother. I get that Arok is anxious and impatient but the writing style is quite jumpy and full of unnecessary words and a lot of commas. Let's take this little bit from the first paragraph to explain what I mean:

Really, the feathery wings were just icing on the cake. Usually u couldn’t see the wings, but clearly the dominions liked to go a bit over the top for these ceremonies.

Generally, you should avoid the use of words like "really", especially in this case where it is completely unneeded. Note that you have misspelled the word "you". I also feel the sudden use of second person does nothing for this particular part of the story. It's not particularly dramatic or trying to put the reader in the character's shoes. Also, since the reader knows you're talking about the wings, it's not necessary to repeat the word in the next sentence. I feel it would flow better if you said something like:

"The feathery wings were icing on the cake. They were not usually visible but the dominions liked to go over the top for these ceremonies."

A point of note on the use of the phrase "icing on the cake". Since you're writing a fantasy story, set in a world that I'm assuming is not our own - or even if it is our world, the culture and language of these angels would be very different to ours. I'd avoid using idioms in a fantasy setting, unless it keeps with the traditions and culture of the race/species you're writing about.

The narration reads like a typical teenager's inner monologue, with things like "OK, maybe that was a stretch. But not by much." It makes the character appear confused and uncertain and though we know Arok is a little anxious at this point, I don't think that should be the tone you should be going for. That's my opinion anyway.

Other than that, some slight adjustments:
I'm guessing "Lady Noella" is her title, so "lady" should be capitalised. There is one instance where her title as well as her name are not capitalised.
Underscores are not for providing extra information (that's what brackets are for).

Please note that these are just my thoughts - in the end, it is your story to do with as you will. However, I truly believe that with some revision, this could be a great story. If you'd like me to have another look after you've edited it, please don't hesitate to let me know!

All the best!
Shiki
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