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Printed from https://www.Writing.Com/view/2190859
Rated: E · Critique · Folklore · #2190859
This review is of the story listed for lesson 2
Hi,
I just finished reading from Lesson 2 of the Rockin Reviewer Academy and would like to share my thoughts. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Keep in mind that these are my thoughts from reading your work. Please use anything you find useful and discard the rest. I am learning more from your writing than I could ever share. Thank you for sharing!

*Check2* Overall Impression:
There is a lot of passion in this story and I like that. The thoughts and processes that the main character go through with the anticipation of taking the vow and receiving the coveted envelope are what I or anyone would feel in such anticipation. I've often felt that same anticipation waiting on grades for college exams. It's excrutiating and you express that in your story.

That being said, there is room for improvement which I'll detail more below and hope that my thoughts help.

*Check2* Plot:
The plot is not exactly clear in this story. My best assumption is that it is the anticipation of seeing what is in the envelope. Personally, I like stories with suspense, so the end without a reveal of what is in the envelope appeals to me. But this wasn't a clear focus of the story until the very end.

*Check2* Style and Voice:
This area needs work. Though the passion is obvious, the way your story is presented is a bit choppy and difficult to follow.

*Check2* Characters:
When setting the characters, especially the main character, there does need to be some lead up or mystery to it. The reader shouldn't be left guessing who the main character is in the sense of their identity. In this story, there are a few small clues about where the character is, such as "fealthery wings" but it was a struggle to figure out that this was a gathering or initiation of angels.

I do appreciate the effort to build the scene with imagry, but for a shorter story we need to get there a bit faster so we can better understand the interactions the characters are having with their counterparts or surroundings.


*Check2* Grammar and Mechanics:
This is an area that really held the story back. While the images and passion were there, the punctuation and sentence grammar issues made this work difficult to read. Instead of _ as in "divided_in unequal parts_" it should have been commas, "My attention was divided, in unequal parts, ". There are several other areas including sentence structure, captialization, and general grammar areas that needs to be improved.

My suggestion here is to first grab a few online grammar lessons to help with the punctuation and sentence structure. Then, use the spell/grammar checker on most word processors. They have come a long way and should be used. Visually checking everything is the next step. Finally, having someone else read it to help out. (Like here.. this post. That's what we're here for. But the first couple of steps should be done first.)

I have struggled with various aspects of this myself through the years. In fact, my first two posts here were completed un-edited and it showed. So, this is an area that I continue to focus on and struggle with, but I'm getting better and you will too.


*Check2* Suggestions:
Outside of the suggestions in the grammar/mechanics area, my biggest suggestion would be to step back. After writing something. Stop. Wait. Do something else for a bit. Forget about it. Then come back to it with a fresh set of eyes and read it again, and read it out loud to yourself. Many mistakes that I make in grammar, sentence structure, and even confusing scenes are pointed out to me by taking this set of steps.

You have a great imagination. I suggest taking another look at this one and work on some areas. I think it can be a great story with a better flow. Let me know if you take a stab at it would like me to re-read it when your done.

Thank you for sharing your story. Write On!

For more information on how the rating systems work, please read "Comment-In-A-Box

William Stafford
Rocking reviewer Bill Stafford


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