This is the Mother's Day story!
|"You are one smothering mother-"
"Shut your mouth, Brian," said Jimmy, trying to keep an even keel.
"What ever would possess you to put a bucket of chicken on Wendy's desk?" said Brian. "You know for sure that she's got a serious eating problem."
"My only point was that she had to 'see the chicken' and not eat it," said Jimmy. "That is all that I was trying to say. What is the point of hiding from food? I eat food every day, and I'm pretty much normal."
"She six hundred pounds," said Brian, pleading.
"Well, a few pounds more shouldn't be a bother," said Jimmy. "What's our next project."
"Oh, no," said Brian. "No more projects for us. We have no more work until we can figure out who keeps leaking our ideas to the competition."
"Leaking our ideas? Why, would do such a thing," said Jimmy. "You would think there would be security."
"Yeah, Jimmy," said Brian. "We do have security. They had been tracking the leaker for three months. Finally, they narrowed the leak down to our division. Somebody in this office leaked it all, every single word of it. It disgusts me."
"Well, I'm sure that they'll think better of removing the White Chocolate Kit Kats from the lunch room from now on," said Jimmy.
"What? White Chocolate Kit Kats?" said Brian. "What are those?"
"They're all the rage in...certain neighborhoods," said Jimmy.
"What does that have to do with sharing company secrets, intellectual property, patent negotiations?" said Brian.
"Well," said Jimmy. "They are both extraordinarily flavorful and smooth on the tongue."
"Wait, are you talking about the patent negotiations, or the Kit Kats?" said Brian.
"A little of both, I should presume," said Jimmy.
"Anyway," said Brian. "When they catch the Ohio Town Leaker, he's gonna pay a world of hurt."
"Ohio Town Leaker?" said Jimmy. "Why would they call him that?"
"Using their enhanced detective skills, security was able to discover that our leaker hails from a small town in Ohio," said Brian.
"Wow, those are mighty powerful detecting skills, if I may say so," said Jimmy.
"Where are you from, by the way?" said Brian.
"Compton," said Jimmy.
"Well," said Brian, "you're gonna wish you were in Compton when they find that leaker."
Brian then proceed to slide his right index finger across his throat.
"Well," said Jimmy. "I guess this Ohio guy must be a sharp dresser."
"Why do you say that?" said Brian.
"Well, how else would he be able to infiltrate into the highest levels of the corporate world undetected?" said Jimmy. "Scale the sides of skyscrapers? Crack the thickest safes?"
"He forwarded an email," said Brian.
"What I'm saying is that it must've been a long email, and a rather engaging one, I might say," said Jimmy.
"What are you doing now?" said Brian.
"Oh, I'm trying to finish this celery stick," said Jimmy, holding a piece of roughage aloft.
"What do you say we go out to lunch?" said Brian.
Ah, lunch. The time of champions. Jimmy's favorite time of day. His favorite lunch spot, The Industry. A sandwich place with a twist...of lime and honey. He went there almost religiously, every day. He even ordered the same thing every time. Buffalo Beef on Rye and Pumpernickel. He and Brian sat there, at the sandwich shop, looking out into the world through the flatscreen-sized windows, into the street outside.
"What are you eating?" said Brian.
"Buffalo Beef," said Jimmy. "On Rye and Pumpernickel."
"What do you think we should do?" said Brian.
"I could go for a Bears game," said Jimmy.
"No, I mean about the leaker," said Brian. "This is the greatest security breach in company history. Remember that story I told you about the guy who tried to carry out the safe."
"Oh, yes, Jimmy Carlson?" said Jimmy.
"Yeah, that guy," said Brian. "Made it as far as state street. Then Wham! Got knocked out by a five-ton truck!"
"Must've hurt," said Jimmy.
"The dye packs broke his fall," said Brian.
"So what do we do now?" said Jimmy. "About Jimmy Number 2? Do we have anything in place?"
"No," said Brian. "We weren't lucky enough to come up with an identity as of yet. We'll figure something out soon, though."
"So, how's grandma?" said Jimmy, trying to change the subject desperately.
"Oh, she's okay. I think that maybe she was just a bit lonely," said Brian. "Maybe that's why she kept screaming at The Price Is Right."
"Okay," said Jimmy. "Well, let's eat."
They continued to eat. All of the smoky flavor. The savory toppings. The lettuce and tomato. Nobody did it better. Nobody deserved better. They finished and went back to work. Everything was fine, for about a week. Then Jimmy came to work.
The office was rather quiet. Nobody was arguing or fighting. There were no buckets of fried chicken or ice cream swords.
Jimmy walked in, five minutes late, as usual.
"Hey Jimmy," said Brian. "Great to see you. Boss has been asking for you."
"Did he say what abouts?" said Jimmy, clenching his manpurse.
"No, he just said to send you in first thing,' said Brian. "Chop, chop!"
Jimmy then proceeded to take the elevator up two floors to the main office. His key fob didn't work on this door, so he knocked.
A young lady answered.
"Are you Jimmy Caruthers?" she said.
"Am I in trouble?" said Jimmy.
"You're Jimmy, alright," she said.
Jimmy the proceeded into the office and had a seat in front of the boss's desk. He was just finishing writing a memo to the entire company.
"So you're...Jimmy," said Hill, looking over his glasses.
"Why have you called me here?" said Jimmy. I demand to know.
"Well, I'll be. You making demands," said Hill. "Well, I'm now one to disappoint. It appears that I have a few demands of my own."
"What sort of demands?" said Jimmy.
"I demand to know why you leaked, you leaker."