by Opal Forest
Random Don't worry
|Okay so I've never liked sharing feelings, I mean I always helped people but, I never got help myself. I thought it was selfish and I shouldn't waste peoples time with my stupid thoughts......then she came into my life. Caitlyn was funny,cute,caring and I just loved her and was more than happy when we started dating. She could always make me laugh and I never told her if I was sad that my parents were fighting o that I was scared for my mothers health, I just put all of these emotions away and hoped she would never see them. I would always give her the best of my life and never the worst as I though I would be rude as she had what I thought to be a harder life and just shut my mouth. a example of this was just a week ago. On my normal path to school I happened upon a dead cat and stopped in my tracks. I stared at it for a while and felt a lump in my throat. After a while I left the cat where it was. I felt guilty and helpless at the same time. my mind was telling me it was okay and I couldn't have done anything but the guilt still stayed with me. As I returned home I saw the cat again and sped by. When I started to text her I felt uneasy, as if the ground was shaking yet I didn't tell her about the cat.
After a few days had passed I told her in passing conversation I hated my feelings and kept them bottled up. She then told me to tell her if I was sad or angry or uneasy so we could work through it together I responded with I'm fine trying to hide the fact that I was moved and wanted to tell her everything but, then stopped myself, the only thing in my mind being "your too young to feel helpless, you don't really feel it""Your over reacting""your wasting her time"..... I hated these thoughts but.....I believed them.I responded with a shaky I'm fine misspelling the I'm and not responding to her I love you..... and to be honest the only reason I wrote this was it as the simpilest way I could think of to tell her how I felt....and how it scares me...
So Caity...if you made it this far...I love you too and I'm sorry I'm such a mess